Anne and I had more (ridiculously tame) hockey adventures this week. We went to the C@nes-K!ngs game which the home team somehow won convincingly and went afterward to stand in the cold and wait for autographs. Sadly after a big win, not very many players stopped, but it was still rather entertaining.

This was due mainly to the head coach, who pulled his truck over to inform the small crowd that "the players are still in the locker room but I had to get out of there quick, I have to go give my wife her Valentine!"
Crowd, as one: OOOOOOOOH.
Coach, laughing: Not like that!

He shook his head and drove off.

The other funny thing was this one 7-year-old who was there with his dad. Dad had trading cards for the players to sign but he wasn't always quite sure who was who. But he did get it right when TVR pulled over, and told the kid to wait his turn and then politely ask if TVR would sign his jersey and card.

So, when it was the kid's turn, he held out the card and said, politely, "What's your name?"

TVR, looking slightly pained and peering at the dad: ...Trevor.
Kid: Will you please sign my jersey?
Dad: *facepalming* 

After TVR drove off...

Dad: You don't ask them who they are! You just take the autograph if they're nice enough to give it to you!
Kid: I didn't ask who he was! I asked what his name was! He was a creepy van guy!

Sadly, Commie was not there to sign my #22 jersey. 

Posted by Molly at 1:25 PM EST

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At the doctor's office, Patrick suddenly said, loudly and worriedly, "I don't want to have my testicles removed!"

I laughed somewhat nervously and the doctor said, "Oh, do you have a dog that just had that done?"

Patrick said no, and then he asked if it would hurt.

I said he didn't have to worry about getting his testicles removed, but if you had surgery they gave you medicine to make you sleep and you didn't feel it.

Several minutes later I realized he meant tonsils. 

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT

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Back in North Carolina last month, we watched Trolls for the first time when it hit Netflix. Audrey was immediately smitten, and so was my mom. Yet after repeated watchings, we still didn't have all the troll names down.

When Mom was up here in Ohio last week, we watched Trolls again. At one point Princess Poppy says good night to all her friends, including Satin and Chenille.

Audrey: "Mom! Their names are Satin and Chenille!"
Grandma: "Oh? Captain and Tennille?"
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Grandma: I think there's a generation gap here. 

Posted by Molly at 10:38 AM EDT

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Last Sunday, my mom, my Aunt Chris, me and Audrey went to see Ok!ahoma! at the Er!e Playhouse. I was ... not super excited. I'm just not that cultured; I don't love plays, and I was worried about how Audrey might act. She's fine sitting through a movie, though, even a non-animated one, so I figured we could give it a shot.

We arrived just a few minutes before showtime and got settled. Oddly, the playhouse had a movie screen in front of the curtain and was showing previews/ads. Eventually the orchestra started playing. I (again, uncultured) assumed that this was the intro and that any moment the curtain would rise. This was not the case. The music went on and on. The curtain remained stubbornly down. Audrey was already bored.

Finally the curtain went up. There was a nice lady pretending to churn butter in the middle of the stage. Up and down, up and down. Things did not improve from there.

None of us actually knew anything about the play. Aunt Chris and Mom knew a few of the songs. But we really had no idea about the plot. So when, midway through the first act, the cowboy started trying to convince the guy in the smokehouse to hang himself, we were a bit taken aback. Audrey was blissfully unaware of this, having draped herself across my lap to proclaim that she was hungry! And thirsty! And really hungry!

Since I was mostly trying to keep Audrey from complaining too loudly, I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to Mom and Chris. Until Mom's phone started ringing. She just got a new number last month, and apparently Steve or Jerry who had the number previously, didn't inform his friends of the change. So Steve/Jerry's friend had something important to say on a Sunday afternoon, and Mom had forgotten to silence the phone. It took 4 rings to silence it, and by then the (mostly very old) people around us were starting to look unhappy.

Aunt Chris leaned across and whispered, "There's only two more songs until intermission." Sadly, she had miscounted. Two songs later began the 15-minute-long drug-induced dream sequence ballet portion of the play. I will hand it to the folks at the Er!e Playhouse. They were true to the movie, at least. At this point, I noticed that Aunt Chris was fanning herself with her playbook. It WAS a bit stuffy in the theater. A few minutes later, still in the midst of the awful dream sequence, Aunt Chris began fanning harder. I looked over and noticed that tears were streaming down her face.

Turns out that when the overly skinny dancing cowboys had come onstage, THEY HAD NOT BEEN DANCING IN UNISON. This set Mom off. She had a prodigious laughing fit and could not contain herself. Aunt Chris was trying to hit her while also not looking at her because SHE couldn't contain herself. Mom began trying to do some Lamaze breathing techniques.

Luckily, FINALLY, one hour and 49 minutes in, intermission came. We marched out into the lobby and Aunt Chris announced that there was no chance we were going to stay for the second act, and we walked out.  

Posted by Molly at 7:22 PM EDT

Updated: Wed 07/26/2017 10:34 AM EDT

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Once, many years ago, one of my very dear friends said to me, "I wish I could be as obsessed by something as you are with baseball." Regardless of how it was meant, I took it as a compliment. And now, finally, I have found someone who feels the same way about something. And that someone is another dear friend of mine, Anne, and that something is ... stalking hockey players. 

One of the goalies for the local hockey team was having an autograph session at a local taco establishment. We decided to go. And also to eat tacos and drink tequila. Anyway, as it often is, it was me and Anne and the three kids. She had brought lots of things (for Will) to get autographed, and she had two extra posters for Patrick and Audrey to take up there. Audrey, of course, refused to go anywhere near the table. She has still not recovered from the First Goal program. So the boys went up, got their stuff signed, posed for pictures. I handed my phone to Patrick and asked him to take a picture of me and Anne and Edd!e and so he took about 17 terrible ones. We thanked Edd!e and went back to our seats.

Anne said that maybe when the line had died down we could go back up and have an adult take our picture. So we did that. Then, Anne mentioned to Audrey that if she'd go up and pose for a picture, Anne would buy her an ice cream. Audrey refused. But Will heard the magic words "ice cream." So Will and Patrick went back up to chat with Edd!e. Patrick asked him if being a goalie was hard. ("Sometimes yes and sometimes no so much.") Will asked him if he'd come over to the table and see Audrey. Audrey heard this and looked stricken. I reassured her that he wouldn't come over.

Then Edd!e got up to go to the bathroom. Suddenly Will disappeared. And then reappeared. And announced, "He's coming to our table."

Lo and behold, Edd!e emerged from the bathroom and came over to the table to pose for a picture. Audrey was mortified and buried her head in my shoulder. Anne grabbed her phone to take a picture and motioned the boys over. "Ahh, a family picture," said Edd!e, who is totally awesome and grinned and posed for the picture. He then went back to his chips and beer and autographs and we left.

In the car on the way home, we had the following discussion.

Anne: Will, did you follow Edd!e into the bathroom?
Will: ...no.
Anne: You won't be in trouble, we just want to know.
Will: No, I didn't! I didn't follow him into the bathroom.
Anne: Are you sure?
Will: ...yes?
Me: Was he peeing?
Will: No! He was just washing his hands! ... Okay, I followed him into the bathroom.

Posted by Molly at 8:06 PM EST

Updated: Thu 02/09/2017 8:10 PM EST

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Once again, months have passed. Patrick finished kindergarten. He earned the principal's award for academics and behavior. He continued to cry every.single.morning when I dropped him off. Audrey turned 3. Her party was under-attended and that made me feel bad. I made no plans for the summer and sadly that includes vacation plans. We went to DC over the 4th of July because we are insane, and I was TRYING to get to Denver for our not-quite-annual sibling baseball weekend but that fell through. I saw NSG on TV. He looked basically the same and was sucking his teeth and it gave me warm fuzzy feelings. I had a disturbing dream about a certain Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback. I don't know why I'm recounting these insignificant details.

We might be moving (back) to Houston. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd go back there.

Oh fuck it. The spirit is willing for blogging but the muse has left.

I will close with an amusing story. I suppose I have buried the lede.

James has been working in Wilmington six days a week. So when Patrick asks questions like "Why do I have balls?" I attempt to answer. James says just to leave it to him but I don't like leaving things hanging (as it were. HA). So anyway I launch into this awkward explanation about how when you're as old as Daddy and you're 38 ("He's 37," said Patrick) and you want to have a baby then your balls make the stuff that helps make that happen. "So you grow new ones every time?" Patrick asked. Well, no ... The balls make stuff called sperm, and it meets up with an egg-- "SO WE DO HATCH OUT OF EGGS!" yelled Patrick. "WE'RE REPTILES!"

Job well done, me. 

Posted by Molly at 4:26 PM EDT

Updated: Wed 07/15/2015 4:27 PM EDT

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There are these moments, the best way I can describe them is transcendental, but that doesn't quite cover it. It's like it happens, and then when it's over you look around and see that the world is still turning and no one else noticed this thing that affected you so viscerally. And eventually (it doesn't take long) you just go back to doing whatever you were doing until the next moment comes along.

I had one when I opened the mailbox to my UNC acceptance letter. When I stepped on the grass at Enron Field that first time in February. When the aforementioned NSG ran his finger across the palm of my hand and...oh. 

Of course there are more common ones: when you leave the hospital with your new baby. (Or without -- but we're talking about the good ones here.) When you go see Riverdance and you actually have to push your jaw closed because they can't possibly be tapping that fast except THEY ARE. And then there's the Bryan Adams concert. (Haaaaa.)

So I went to the Bryan Adams concert last Saturday. The 30th anniversary "Reckless" tour. Thirty years ago Saturday, I was ... nearly 5. And listening to Jim Nabors singing about how you can't roller skate in a buffalo herd. But if you don't love a good Bryan Adams ballad, we probably can't be friends. (I might make an exception if I really like you.) Anyway I wasn't super familiar with the first half of the concert, is what I'm saying. It rained Saturday afternoon, and the concert was delayed (even though it SAID rain or shine), and suddenly the lights came up and there was Bryan Adams, no preamble, and everybody stood up and then ... sort of fidgeted because the only person who knew these songs was the lady in the striped shirt who was swaying back and forth four rows in front of me. But then he did "Heaven" and everyone sang along and he yelled, "I love it when you sing" and I thought, oh, I hate it when people sing and the performer turns the mic on the crowd, it's why I don't buy concert CDs (okay, well, if I still bought CDs but you know what I mean). This is probably in large part because I cannot sing. At all. It is terrible.

Anyway, after the Reckless part of the concert, he started doing favorites and so everyone could and did sing along and thankfully he only really turned the mic on the crowd very occasionally. And, I mean, I'm not an avid concert-goer so I don't often go sing at the top of my lungs in public -- certainly I've belted out FINS TO THE LEFT FINS TO THE RIGHT at Jimmy Buffett -- but there was something very freeing about it. Dare I say ... transcendental. And then sometime during the encore (I think) Bryan -- can I call him Bryan -- said something like, "You know I told you earlier I love it when you sing and I meant that. For so many people to come together like this ... it makes magic." And it was so cheesy but so true. It really was magic.

Posted by Molly at 2:49 PM EDT

Updated: Tue 04/26/2022 4:51 PM EDT

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Dear Audrey,

One day, when you're older, you might perhaps look at photos of yourself at age 2.5(ish) and wonder why on earth I let you out of the house wearing the same outfit for days on end. Or why I let you out of the house wearing pajamas. Repeatedly. Or you might wonder why I never did anything fun with your hair.

Well. LET ME TELL YOU. You are very headstrong. And stubborn. Now, you would think that I, as a 34-year-old woman, would be able to exert my will upon you, a 2-year-old. You would be wrong. I mean, I suppose I COULD but it frankly is not worth the effort. I have to choose my battles. I would rather you brush your teeth than your hair. I would rather you wear something than nothing. I would rather you not scream for 10 minutes while flailing on the floor because I told you that you needed a ponytail. (Yeah. That happened.) I have oftentimes threatened to cut your hair off and get you the same haircut as Patrick. You see this as the empty threat that it is and tell me that you will brush your hair BY YOURSELF. Then you get the brush stuck in your hair. Lately, you have let me brush your hair and put it in Elsa or Anna braids. This is only because your other option is a ponytail or pigtails which you hate. As you do barrettes. And headbands.

Are you sensing a theme? I am not exaggerating. 

So far, the worst offenders have been the gray boots and the red pants. They gray boots started off well. They were half off at Old Navy, little knock-off Uggs with tiny cutout stars. Super cute. And you loved them, and I loved them and it was winter and your feet were warm and all was right with the world. There was just one problem. You ... did not like to wear socks with your boots. At first, this was not a problem. Until you did it enough that one day you kicked off your boots in the car and everyone dived for the buttons to roll down their windows. It was bad. I washed them. That helped for about two days. I washed them again and made you wear socks. That got a week. Finally I decided enough was enough. You loved the boots and would wear them every day but ... it was bad. So I threw them away. AND YOU FOUND THEM, AND PULLED THEM OUT OF THE TRASH. After another week, I got smarter and threw them out on trash day. Success!

The issue with the red pants was a different one. You wanted to wear them every day. With every thing. That didn't match. They were red fleecy pants which were perfectly serviceable but which did not look cute under dresses. This did not deter you. I could not in good conscience tell you not to wear them, I mean, that would have been reinforcing gender roles or something -- who cares if they're cute -- but it drove me crazy. CRAZY. You even tried to wear them to your Easter pictures. This finally was solved when the weather got warmer.

But you still didn't brush your hair.

So that, Audrey, is why you look like a little ragamuffin in pictures. IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Love,
Mommy 

Posted by Molly at 11:06 PM EDT

Updated: Mon 05/09/2022 8:12 PM EDT

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aka "2014 in Review"

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
Rode the SkyWheel at Myrtle Beach.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any because I never keep them. HOWEVER. I have let myself go. So I really need to lose weight. I know, I know.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I feel like surely somebody had to, but ... not that I recall. But I know some people who will NEXT year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What places did you visit?
Disney World/Orlando, FL. Myrtle Beach, SC. Boone, NC. Hershey, PA. Vergennes, VT. Fort Ticonderoga. The Strasburg Rail Road. All points between Creedmoor and Vermont and back again. Including New Jersey. That was AWFUL. We were planning to go to Williamsburg this Christmas season but that didn’t work out.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
A bigger house. A shorter drive to get to Target. More savings. More money.

7. What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I still remember dates from the now-distant past, that I shouldn’t. IF I remembered any (which I don’t and won’t) it would be the day Patrick started kindergarten, except I’m not sure if that was Aug. 25^th. Or the 27^th. Or maybe the 28^th. See?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I took a road trip. With the children. And got really close with my neighborhood friends.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting myself go. Spending too much time reading Outlander and thinking about how dissimilar my life is. (HAAAAA.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I didn't but James hit our deductible and then some. (Sigh.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A smart phone? Oh no wait, I personally didn’t buy that. Um. Hmm. The Sherpa blanket from Costco. And I am rebuilding my childhood Cabbage Patch Kid collection vicariously through Audrey.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The kids? We’ve all survived kindergarten so far.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills bills bills. Medical bills. The house. Blah.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Sarah and her family came and we got a beach house with them. Of course I knew she would be skinnier than me and I would feel like a fat cow and that tempered my excitement.

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Still on the Line. Tim McGraw. I think I bought two CDs the last two years and that was one of them. (The other was the Frozen soundtrack. Runner up song of the year is Let It Go because STILL.) Still on the Line reminds me of a couple of the songs from Set This Circus Down which is tied for my top album of all time (with Back Home Again) (don’t judge).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I'm probably trending toward sadder but not for any particular reason. Post-holiday funk? General worry about money? General worry about the state of the world? Don't know. And I'm not really sad or anything, purely talking comparatively.

b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. I need to start working out with my friends instead of eating and drinking with them.

c) richer or poorer? Poorer. We have too much debt. I don't actually know if we're poorer. I think about the same. We actually did pretty well contributing to 401ks and we refinanced the mortgage. We didn't spend our savings but I don't know that we added to it and I'm not going to go do the math in case we did not add to it because then I'd be depressed. We still have credit card debt and have added some medical debt. Boo.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Being present. Writing emails to my far-away friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Thinking about the past and people and things that I shouldn’t.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2014?
We opened our presents at our house in the morning, then my parents (and Kevin from Boston!) came over in the afternoon. We also had breakfast sausage casserole after a one-year absence.

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I retroactively got into Once Upon a Time. I really like it.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2014?
I have no idea.

24. What was the best book you read?
I am still re-reading the Outlander series. I LOVE THOSE BOOKS. I feel like there was something else.  

25. What did you want and get?
Audrey sleeps by herself in her bed and all the way through the night!

26. What did you want and not get?
New yoga pants. The credit card(s) paid off. A bathroom remodel. A new house. Fit.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
I just today saw “Into the Woods” and since I can’t remember any other movies I might have gone to, that wins.

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
Not really but I got a lot closer to some friends.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the Powerball and not having to worry about money.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Stretchy yoga pants. [Same as last year.] With boots. [New for this year!]

31. What kept you sane?
Chestnut praline lattes. And before that, almond lattes from Parker & Otis.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Would you judge me if I said Ben Roethlisberger? Of course you would. [Haha, 2010 FTW!] I think I’ve also said Ben Afflect before. He’s dreamy. If you want a new one, hmm. The Prince Charmings from OUAT and ITW. I know *others* would say Hook, and he is certainly hot but…

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Ebola?

34. Who did you miss?
Who I always miss. Also, sometimes, my previous life. Not like I want it back, but man, those were some good times. [I have made no progress since 2010.] 

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
Let it go. (HAHAHAHAHAHA. And this would be something to ASPIRE to, not something that I do.)

Posted by Molly at 9:37 PM EST

Updated: Wed 12/31/2014 9:43 PM EST

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