if you're not in it for love
I have a problem. (Surprise!) The problem is this. I used to be all idealistic. I used to think: "I will never work at a job I don't love. Life is too short for that." This was all fine and good, and not a bad philosophy. In theory. In practice, I got a job I loved, only it was an internship and it didn't last. So I tried something else, something that I thought maybe I would love just as much, and I didn't. And I quit. Idealistic, remember? This was followed by a period of four months during which I was unemployed. It was kind of awesome. I don't actually like working. I like being lazy. However, this does not bring in any money, which, as it happens, is sort of necessary. So then I got a job, which I decidedly did not love, in order to pay the bills. It kind of sucked, but it was kind of okay, because it was really boring and did not require me to engage or to put forth any effort. I probably should have stayed there, but my idealistic tendencies reared their ugly heads again, and off I went to follow my dream to Memphis. Which ended badly. So then I got this dead-end job which sucks, and -- bonus! -- the pay sucks even more. I got a second job, one with possibilities. Recently I have been talking to people about these possibilities, and they keep telling me, essentially, to remain idealistic and not to settle. To not take a job just because it was a "real job" and to find something that would make me happy. And it makes me want to laugh. I am kind of over that now. The past year at my sucky dead-end job has killed my idealism. I don't care anymore. Sure, I still want a job I love, but does that exist? I don't care anymore if I don't have that. (I'm used to it.) I want a job that's okay, that doesn't consume me, and that I can leave after I put in my time. And one that can support me. I think that it is some sort of priority shift. Maybe my biological clock is ticking. (Ha.)

This all hit home last week, when what once would have been my dream job opened up. I didn't apply. If you asked me why not, I would say it was because I didn't have time. This is true enough, but obviously I could have made time if it had been that important to me. (I was going to apply yesterday but then I did laundry and went grocery shopping after work instead, and then when I got around to looking at it today, the job was no longer posted.) But I have been disappointed so much (by that organization) that I couldn't face the thought of applying and getting turned down again. And I couldn't convince myself that I wanted it enough. That it would actually be a job I loved. That I wanted to go back to that, that I wanted to work with those people and deal with their issues, and deal with all the stuff that would be required to pack up and move back there and leave my friends here. Frankly, the thought of all that just exhausted me.

But at the same time, it's a little disturbing. I don't know what it is that I do want. I keep crossing things off that list, but it's not exactly helping. I don't know where I want to go. I know it's not here, but since I don't know anyplace else to go, here I am. So I guess my problem is that I miss my idealistic self, the self that knew what she wanted and went for it, and believed in happy endings.

In other news, my dislike for Rafael Nadal and his man-pris is forcing me to root for Andre Agassi (and his little mincing steps) in this here Wimbledon match, and this not only displeases me (I always liked Pete Sampras better) but also forces me to root for someone who is going to lose now that I finally got in his corner.

And: Happy Canada Day!