Yesterday I attended a course entitled “Presenting Data and Information.” Let’s call the presenter “Edward Tufte” because … that is his name (™ Bridget Jones). I should start with a disclaimer of sorts: I actually thought this course was interesting and possibly useful. Now, onto the fun stuff, a timeline of the day’s events!
8:05 a.m. – Leave house for ridiculously long drive; course is located near previous apartment, far from current residence in east bumfuck.
8:35 a.m. – Realize that exit for local shopping center is coming up, local shopping center that contains Starbucks.
8:36 a.m. – Decide against taking exit; company may not want to pay for coffee since already ate breakfast at home.
8:42 a.m. – Almost to course’s location. Realize that right turn will take me to Harris Teeter that contains Starbucks. Ponder situation at red light.
8:43 a.m. – Decide against turning right to Starbucks.
8:48 a.m. – Right turn: course. Left turn: Starbucks. Decide to turn right. Wish had not moved to east bumfuck as used to live in Starbucks heaven.
8:50 a.m. – Miss turnoff for course on badly marked road. Next turn will take me to Starbucks.
8:51 a.m. – Starbucks, here I come.
8:55 a.m. – Arrive Starbucks.
8:56 a.m. – Depart Starbucks with tall decaf nonfat no-whip mocha. (Tall because it is on company card, decaf in honor of Babywatch ’08, nonfat, no-whip in honor of Workout watch ’08.)
8:57 a.m. – Spill Starbucks down front of sweater. Sigh. At least have cardigan to hide unsightly coffee stain.
9:05 a.m. – Arrive at course. Parking lot is full, but field next to lot is apparently the place to be. Register and sit down to do pre-reading and enjoy the rest of my mocha.
9:41 a.m. – Course, supposed to start at 10, is becoming quite full. Blonde woman comes up to my row (third from back, end seat), says to guy next to me, “Want some company?” What about me, I seethe privately, I don’t want any company.
9:59 a.m. – Unwelcome neighbor whacks elbow with coursebook. Seems unconcerned. Seethe privately.
10:02 a.m. – Course starts with presentation featuring a visual display of a Chopin melody. Think: “Ooh, it’s like guitar hero!”
10:25 a.m. – Realize ET is reading directly from his book.
10:26 a.m. – Ha! “ET”!
10:30 a.m. – ET announces, “If you parked across the street, you’re screwed. Go move your car.” Half of section slinks out.
10:35 a.m. – ET promises shorter meetings if follow his protocol. Think: “Buddy, you don’t know [evil empire].”
11:00 a.m. – Hmm. There was some indication of box lunch outside. It would be easier to just get that, but Neomonde is so close, and would be so much better. Is Neomonde open? It didn’t look open when I drove by on the way here.
11:25 a.m. – Ooh, he said sports data. You know, I think there’s a Spring Training game televised today. Stupid Japan game. They can’t start the season overseas. It’s America’s game!
11:26 a.m. – ET utters the words that will make me question everything else he says: “If the people who read the sports section can understand a chart, then anyone can.” I don’t think I like what he’s implying. Hmph.
11:30 a.m. – This place is a ballroom? Do people actually use it as such? It’s awful, industrial, bad paint job, hey, there’s a splotch of paint missing on that pillar. Whoa, there’s a temporary wall partition they can use. C L A S S Y. And just look at that switchplate…
11:31 a.m. – Crap. Lunch isn’t until 1.
11:35 a.m.-11:57 a.m. – Break. Overheard in coffee line, “What is this line for? Where are the informative graphics?” Only free stuff provided at course is water, coffee, tea, crackers and chocolaty-chip cookies. Return to find unwelcome neighbor standing behind MY chair, swaying.
12:10 p.m. – Maybe I could change my Flickr page so that it is just favorites, since I am too cheap to actually pay for a subscription.
12:13 p.m. – Consider perils of visiting ATM in Durham after course is over.
12:35 p.m. – ET’s minion brings around his 400-year-old copy of Euclidean geometry book. Notice that when ET displayed book, he held it in his hands; however minion has on white gloves.
12:45 p.m. – FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD
12:57 p.m. – Minion is back, this time with book by Galileo, from 1613.
1:04 p.m. – Decide on title for next installment of autobiographical novel: “Molly’s Last Adventures as a Single Girl”
1:20 p.m. – Finally, lunch! Box lunch at course contains barbecue and banana pudding for $8. Box lunch at Neomonde consists of hoummous sandwich, tabbouleh and fatoush with a piece of baklava for $8. Much better. Coming back, notice that sign in parking lot reads, “Lot Full – Use Adjacent Lots.” Just not the adjacent lots across the street, huh.
2:23 p.m. – Lunch runs long as ET is signing autographs. Unwelcome neighbor and her neighbor are having discussion on diving. Text message Nancy and Sarah.
3:06 p.m. – Notice unwelcome neighbor has folder labeled “Latino Communications.”
3:15 p.m. – ET announces, “If you parked in the street, please move. The police are in the process of shooting your car.”
3:20 p.m. – ET announces, “Now the fire marshal is here. Some of you were very creative with your parking. Stay tuned.” He probably means the people who blocked others in. C L A S S Y.
3:23 p.m. – Distracted by baseball sparklines, looking ahead in book.
3:29 p.m. – Distracted by sparkliness of my new wedding band.
3:40 p.m. – Bored now.
3:41 p.m. – Wonder if could gather books quietly and sneak out, thus avoiding sure-to-be-horrible traffic at end of course.
3:49 p.m. – Ooh, the windows in that engraving look like cinnamon rolls!
3:58 p.m. – ET announces, “If you are the driver of the Saturn Vue, license plate number xxx-xxxx, please move your car – you’re blocking someone.”
4:22 p.m. – Natives are VERY restless. Leaving early would be rude, but, damn, parking!
4:24 p.m. – ET says, “The best advice I ever received on making a presentation was to arrive early. The second best was to finish early.” But … we only have six minutes left and he’s not done talking?
4:29 p.m. – ET finishes early, barely.
4:37 p.m. – In car. Parking lot is nightmare. Traffic nearing rush hour is nightmare.
5:39 p.m. – Arrive back home in east bumfuck. Have put 71 miles on car. Do you know how much gas costs?
