Dear Patrick,
I had an idea of what I was in for when I had a baby and committed to breastfeeding (or trying) for at least three months (which is why I waited 28 years to get pregnant). But what I did not count on was this tendency of yours to eat until you appear sated, until you appear drunk on milk, smiling (gas, whatever) and drooling and nearly asleep, and then, when I try to move you, you turn into a squalling ball of distress. I think half the time you just like sucking on something. The other half you are still legitimately hungry, which is okay, but dammit, just eat. Don't tease your mother into thinking you are done.
Because you do this, I am going to tell the internet that you like your balls blow-dried. The reason I know this is because you had diaper rash, and I read that I should clean your little bum with warm water and blow it dry. So I dutifully tried this, and buddy, you love it. Now whenever I can't get you to stop crying, I blow dry your balls. It works like a charm. Every time. They won't do that at daycare, by the way, and I bet your future girlfriends won't like this little habit of yours.
Always remember, son, payback's a bitch.
Love,
Mommy
