My period was two weeks late. Oddly I wasn't that worried about it. We'd been safe -- mostly -- and we were both kind of freaking out without adding any extra drama. So I didn't take a test or anything, and I didn't mention it. And then it resolved itself. Looking back I have no idea why I didn't take a test. Denial? Honestly, pregnancy would have been a disaster. I would have told you, at that time, that there's no way he would have asked me to end it but ... I don't know, he might have.
(In the following 20 years I have never been more than two or three days late except when I've been pregnant. So.)
For being professional communicators, NSG and I did not communicate all that well. The first time we hooked up, he was worried it would ruin the friendship, but it didn't, because I didn't think he had any feelings. I knew we had this chemistry, it had been there from the very beginning, but obviously neither one of us was going to act on it. Although I decidedly did develop feelings. And then there we were, and he was going through stuff, and things happened, but it was fine. Except then he said, several times, several different ways, over the course of several months, that there was more to it. So then, I thought it meant something more and when we hooked up again, I expected more. And he never intended for there to be more, regardless of any feelings. And his way of dealing with everything was to go out and talk to any woman that he could, and to date them. And to solidly friend zone me. I got to hear about every woman he went out and met at the bars. He gave me tickets to a show...and then took them back because he got a hot date. That's ... kind of a shitty thing to do. And I didn't know how to handle any of that, so I handled it badly. Also I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it, and he got frustrated, and I got frustrated, and ... it all didn't go well.
I don't know if he ever really knew what he meant to me. He at one point said he hadn't used me, that he'd understand if I said I had used him. And I was blown away that he thought that because I hadn't used him. At all. He said he didn't mean it like that, but I'm not sure how else you interpret it. And also I'm pretty sure he did use me because with the way it played out -- what else would I have been but a rebound? He didn't want a relationship. He wanted to move on from his ex. Put the past behind him. And there I was, and I wanted him, and we had this connection, this chemistry. I don't necessarily think he intended it to be that way, but I can't help but think that's what it was, in the end.
A couple of months after all this went down, I told him it would be easier if I hated him, and he got really upset. But he didn't want there to be anything between us, just friends, and I never could quite get over it.
