I go over to the ballpark to have lunch with my friend, B, who works there. Somehow I end up telling her this whole sad saga, without names. She says that I need to sit down and talk to the guy, just have a long talk with him. Then she goes, “You know, if I was 32, or if NSG was 10 years younger, I would be all over him.” Ha! Ha? Oh fuck.  

Since I am at the ballpark anyway, I go see NSG, and ask him if I can have a personal conversation with him.

NSG: Personal or professional?

M: Personal.

NSG: Okay. Shut the door.

M: You want to do it here? Now?

NSG: Uh-huh. Is this going to be one of those conversations where it takes four hours? Because I only have 20 minutes, and my patience...

NSG: I know, you don’t have any patience. I know.

W: That’s right. ... Okay. I’m listening.

M: All right. There was... there’s... I think you know that I wanted you for a while now, and I probably could’ve gotten over it, but then things happened, and now... I guess, I just, I feel like we used to have this connection...

NSG: We had quite a connection.

M: Heh. ... And it’s not there right now, it’s like we’re almost there but we’re not. And I don’t like it.

NSG: Well, it’s not ever going to be the same.

M: Yeah, but it’s just like ... I mean, it happened, and it was okay, but now it’s not, and I don’t know... The other night, [Roommate] was telling me about the beach party this weekend, and she said did I know about it, and I said well, I’d heard about it, but I didn’t really know anything. And she said, well, I could come if I wanted, because NSG is bringing a date. And I thought, wow, I really can’t handle seeing that. 

NSG: <looks slightly exasperated, resigned, even> Well, I’m sorry about that. My personal life... it shouldn’t... But that’s my fault, I guess, I tell everybody... I mean, that, it... I don’t know what to tell you. What exactly are you asking me here?

M: I guess... I just... It feels like that, you know, I was just convenient when you needed someone, and ... where do we stand right now? 

NSG: We’re friends, who hooked up ... twice. 

M: So, basically, I should just forget anything ever happened and move on? Because I tend to hold on to things for too long...

NSG: Yeah you do. Not that you should forget anything ever happened...

M: But that’s what we act like. It happened, and we talked about it, and then it was like nothing ever happened, and nobody knows.

NSG: Well, I don’t tell anybody that sort of thing. I could go home and do that every night. I mean, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it. But this is why people say they regret hooking up, because then you have to have conversations like this. ... Look, I’ll change my behavior if you want me to, I’ll go different places, whatever you want, if that’ll help.

M: No, I don’t want you to do that.  

NSG: I think you knew what I was going to say before I said anything.

M: No, I didn’t. I can’t read you.

NSG: I am not stable right now. Basically the only thing I’ve got going for me is work, and if I didn’t have that, I’d be a nutbag. And it’s not fair to you, or to anyone, to try to have something like a relationship, because I’m not ready for that. That might change tomorrow. I don’t know. 

M: So, I mean, I should just move on?

NSG: You probably should move on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m sorry, I mean, I feel like I need to apologize to you, I feel like I should.

M: No, you shouldn’t, you don’t need to do that.

NSG: Thank you for telling me that. ... This is not a conversation that I need to have right now. This is not the time or the place. I am not ready to do this right now.

M: I know. But you said...

NSG: I know. Thanks a lot for ruining my day. At least you’re talking. Do you feel better, now that you’ve talked? 

M: Uh, no, not really.

NSG: Thanks. Thanks for that.

M: Well, I mean, you didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, I’m not going to feel better.

NSG: We can continue this later, if you want.

M: Yeah, I do want to, even though I don’t think it’ll get us anywhere.

NSG: I really did not need to have this conversation today.

M: See, this is why I don’t tell you anything. You get frustrated if I don’t tell you, but then you get upset if I do.

 

Annnnd then I almost started crying, so we finish talking and I walk out. B looks up at me and goes, “So, you just had a really long and serious conversation with NSG there.” I said, “Uh-huh. You wanna walk me out?” Her eyes get all big; she walks me out.