I realize I have done a lot of stupid things. I certainly did not intend to go to Martin and tell NSG about TM. But he just can read me. He knows things. Also, alcohol.
Anyway. I thought we'd had a nice time. Of course I wanted to end up in bed with NSG pledging his undying love and affection, but ... I wore underwear. I didn't think anything was going to actually happen. But I thought it had been a good day. I was really happy I got to see NSG again, and the conversation was great.
The next day, I get the worst email of my life. (But no worries -- he'll send one that's even worse in December!) I have, of course, saved it, but 18 years later I'm not over it so I'm not going to look at it to quote it.
NSG is concerned. He just wants me to be careful. He says that even though I said it was just physical, that I could be more invested than I think, and I could be hurt worse than I can imagine.
If it wasn't so soul-crushing, this would be laughable, because, yes, I was attracted to TM. There was something there. But it is nothing -- NOTHING -- in comparison to what I feel for NSG, and how much he has hurt me. TM, while totally unsuitable, was also entirely safe because I *wasn't* going to fall in love with him. I knew it, and he knew it, and I wasn't going to let myself get hurt like that again.
This is compounded by the fact that I know NSG is trying to look out for me. He has the best of intentions, and ... it is the worst thing he could possibly say to me. He also throws in, just for kicks, that he'd like to stop rehashing our hookup every damn time, because it was so long ago, and we know we aren't going back there, and he's over it.
Unfortunately, I respond to this email. I tell him that I am not invested in TM. That I have not been invested in anyone since him AND LOOK HOW THAT FUCKING TURNED OUT. I tell him that I don't think I can get over it, over him, I've tried, and I'm sorry, but we just can't go back.
Eventually we exchange emails and he says something like he hopes I have a good rest of my weekend. I don't.
For the next 18+ years I will wonder about that conversation in Martin, and if it ruined my life. I feel like he judged me really harshly for TM, and that's not really fair, because ultimately I only even fooled around with TM because I was lonely and trying to get over NSG, not that it worked. And we never even sealed the deal. And he hooked up with K! So, really, what does it matter?
