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Thu 08/15/2002
you can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
A bunch of us went out to celebrate B's last day. I told her I was having dinner with NSG tomorrow.

B: I know. He told me. He said you were supposed to do it last night but then he went and saw Default. You weren’t interested or something.
M: He never asked me! I so would have gone.
B: Me too! I love them.
M: But of course I wasn’t going to ask him.
B: Yeah. I didn’t want to be that girl. But he told me y’all are going out tomorrow. He’s very open about it.
M: See, but I don’t know if [Roommate] knows or if I’m supposed to say anything. <She didn’t know.> Because you, you’re different. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you the whole thing, but he wouldn’t tell [Roommate].
B: Yeah, um, he did.
M: Right, so—
B: Did you hear what I just said? He told me.
M: I heard you. What... how... what did he say?
B: Do you know when he told me? It was at the beach party. He was like, "We just have so much fun together, and I don’t know..." Then he goes, "Wow! I feel better now." [Well, at least that makes one of us.]
M: What were you talking about? How did you get on that subject?
B: He just brought it up. He said, "Okay, this is really random, but—" and then he told me. He said after your internship ended, you’d gone out a few times, and you had fun, and then one night you just stayed together all night. And it was great and you had fun, and things weren’t weird. He didn’t go into details, though.
M: What did you say?
B: I didn’t say anything at first. He was like, "You’re not saying anything... are you surprised? Does that surprise you? Is that weird?" But of course I already knew. I just said, "You know what? Nothing surprises me anymore, about anyone." Which is true.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Wed 07/24/2002
some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
I go over to the ballpark to have lunch with my friend, B, who works there. Somehow I end up telling her this whole sad saga, without names. She says that I need to sit down and talk to the guy, just have a long talk with him. Then she goes, “You know, if I was 32, or if NSG was 10 years younger, I would be all over him.” Ha! Ha? Oh fuck.  

Since I am at the ballpark anyway, I go see NSG, and ask him if I can have a personal conversation with him.
NSG: Personal or professional?
M: Personal.
NSG: Okay. Shut the door.
M: You want to do it here? Now?
NSG: Uh-huh. Is this going to be one of those conversations where it takes four hours? Because I only have 20 minutes, and my patience...
NSG: I know, you don’t have any patience. I know.
W: That’s right. ... Okay. I’m listening.
M: All right. There was... there’s... I think you know that I wanted you for a while now, and I probably could’ve gotten over it, but then things happened, and now... I guess, I just, I feel like we used to have this connection...
NSG: We had quite a connection.
M: Heh. ... And it’s not there right now, it’s like we’re almost there but we’re not. And I don’t like it.
NSG: Well, it’s not ever going to be the same.
M: Yeah, but it’s just like ... I mean, it happened, and it was okay, but now it’s not, and I don’t know... The other night, [Roommate] was telling me about the beach party this weekend, and she said did I know about it, and I said well, I’d heard about it, but I didn’t really know anything. And she said, well, I could come if I wanted, because NSG is bringing a date. And I thought, wow, I really can’t handle seeing that. 
NSG: <looks slightly exasperated, resigned, even> Well, I’m sorry about that. My personal life... it shouldn’t... But that’s my fault, I guess, I tell everybody... I mean, that, it... I don’t know what to tell you. What exactly are you asking me here?
M: I guess... I just... It feels like that, you know, I was just convenient when you needed someone, and ... where do we stand right now? 
NSG: We’re friends, who hooked up ... twice. 
M: So, basically, I should just forget anything ever happened and move on? Because I tend to hold on to things for too long...
NSG: Yeah you do. Not that you should forget anything ever happened...
M: But that’s what we act like. It happened, and we talked about it, and then it was like nothing ever happened, and nobody knows.
NSG: Well, I don’t tell anybody that sort of thing. I could go home and do that every night. I mean, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it. But this is why people say they regret hooking up, because then you have to have conversations like this. ... Look, I’ll change my behavior if you want me to, I’ll go different places, whatever you want, if that’ll help.
M: No, I don’t want you to do that.  
NSG: I think you knew what I was going to say before I said anything.
M: No, I didn’t. I can’t read you.
NSG: I am not stable right now. Basically the only thing I’ve got going for me is work, and if I didn’t have that, I’d be a nutbag. And it’s not fair to you, or to anyone, to try to have something like a relationship, because I’m not ready for that. That might change tomorrow. I don’t know. 
M: So, I mean, I should just move on?
NSG: You probably should move on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m sorry, I mean, I feel like I need to apologize to you, I feel like I should.
M: No, you shouldn’t, you don’t need to do that.
NSG: Thank you for telling me that. ... This is not a conversation that I need to have right now. This is not the time or the place. I am not ready to do this right now.
M: I know. But you said...
NSG: I know. Thanks a lot for ruining my day. At least you’re talking. Do you feel better, now that you’ve talked? 
M: Uh, no, not really.
NSG: Thanks. Thanks for that.
M: Well, I mean, you didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, I’m not going to feel better.
NSG: We can continue this later, if you want.
M: Yeah, I do want to, even though I don’t think it’ll get us anywhere.
NSG: I really did not need to have this conversation today.
M: See, this is why I don’t tell you anything. You get frustrated if I don’t tell you, but then you get upset if I do.
 
Annnnd then I almost started crying, so we finish talking and I walk out. B looks up at me and goes, “So, you just had a really long and serious conversation with NSG there.” I said, “Uh-huh. You wanna walk me out?” Her eyes get all big; she walks me out.
B: Oh my God, it was NSG, wasn’t it? That’s who it was.
M: I’m not saying anything. I’m not.
B: I never would’ve guessed! 
M: Yeah, you would’ve, right after you guessed [Friend]. <She did, at lunch.>
B: Oh my God. <She hugs me.>
M: Come on, I said I’d do him.
B: I know, I should’ve known!

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sun 07/07/2002
well, you do what you do and you pay for your sins

My period was two weeks late. Oddly I wasn't that worried about it. We'd been safe -- mostly -- and we were both kind of freaking out without adding any extra drama. So I didn't take a test or anything, and I didn't mention it. And then it resolved itself. Looking back I have no idea why I didn't take a test. Denial? Honestly, pregnancy would have been a disaster. I would have told you, at that time, that there's no way he would have asked me to end it but ... I don't know, he might have.

(In the following 20 years I have never been more than two or three days late except when I've been pregnant. So.)

For being professional communicators, NSG and I did not communicate all that well. The first time we hooked up, he was worried it would ruin the friendship, but it didn't, because I didn't think he had any feelings. I knew we had this chemistry, it had been there from the very beginning, but obviously neither one of us was going to act on it. Although I decidedly did develop feelings. And then there we were, and he was going through stuff, and things happened, but it was fine. Except then he said, several times, several different ways, over the course of several months, that there was more to it. So then, I thought it meant something more and when we hooked up again, I expected more. And he never intended for there to be more, regardless of any feelings. And his way of dealing with everything was to go out and talk to any woman that he could, and to date them. And to solidly friend zone me. I got to hear about every woman he went out and met at the bars. He gave me tickets to a show...and then took them back because he got a hot date. That's ... kind of a shitty thing to do. And I didn't know how to handle any of that, so I handled it badly. Also I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it, and he got frustrated, and I got frustrated, and ... it all didn't go well. 

I don't know if he ever really knew what he meant to me. He at one point said he hadn't used me, that he'd understand if I said I had used him. And I was blown away that he thought that because I hadn't used him. At all. He said he didn't mean it like that, but I'm not sure how else you interpret it. And also I'm pretty sure he did use me because with the way it played out -- what else would I have been but a rebound? He didn't want a relationship. He wanted to move on from his ex. Put the past behind him. And there I was, and I wanted him, and we had this connection, this chemistry. I don't necessarily think he intended it to be that way, but I can't help but think that's what it was, in the end.

A couple of months after all this went down, I told him it would be easier if I hated him, and he got really upset. But he didn't want there to be anything between us, just friends, and I never could quite get over it.  


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Tue 06/11/2002
somehow you remain locked so deep inside
I back up, under the bridge, so we can't see the ballpark.
 
NSG: Come on over here [to the passenger seat].
M: <climbing over> It's hard. 
NSG: Well, yeah, it is, kind of. 
 
+++

NSG: What are you thinking?
M: Hmmm… the car…
NSG: What about the car?
M: We’re in the car. Doing this. In the car.
NSG: You’ve never done it in the car?
M: Uh. No. 
NSG: What do you think?
M: I could do it again.
NSG: Yeah? I should make you follow me [home].
M: Okay.
NSG: What’re you gonna tell [Roommate]? Will she worry?
M: I don’t know. I mean, she’s asleep right now. She’ll worry in the morning.
NSG: Why? Have you ever not come home before?
M: No. Where else would I be?
NSG: I don’t know. Okay, look, can you just drive? Just put on your shirt and panties or something.
M: I don’t know where they are…
NSG: <opens the door> I left my bag out here. Look, I’ve still got all my clothes. I think I have all your clothes, too. 

+++
 
NSG: Heh. You’ll have to tell your husband [about this]. And when he asks you how much older the oldest guy you’ve slept with was… 
M: You’re so romantic.
NSG: Hah! I’ve never been romantic. Or I forgot how.

He plants his hand on my upper thigh, like extreme upper thigh, where it will rest all the way home. Could I want him more? Down the road, he says, “Molly, you’ve got to start telling me no.” 
 
And then that song by Lonestar, “Not A Day Goes By,” comes on. NSG gets excited, turns up the volume. I like this song, but please not that sentiment, not right now. Why couldn’t it have been “I’m Movin’ On”? We pull into his driveway, and he’s still singing along. He can’t find his keys at first, but eventually he opens the door. “I hope you don’t expect furniture. Because there’s not any.” He’s bitter.
 
We go inside. “It still smells like a new house, isn’t that funny?”

+++
 
It starts to get light, and I'm just lying there, watching the sun come up through the back window of his living room. 

NSG: You’re wide awake, aren’t you?
M: Yeah, pretty much.
NSG: Did you sleep at all?
M: Not really. Some.
NSG: There’s gonna be some good emails now.
M: I don’t know…
NSG: I said there’s gonna be some good emails now.
M: I know, but I don’t know if there will be. I don’t really know that there’s much to say. <HAHAHAAAAAAA oh if only this were true.>
NSG: <chuckles, looks at the clock> What time is it? 7:15? We’re fine. You think [Roommate]'s worried about you?
M: Uh, yeah, probably.

He rolls over, pulls his clothes on, gets up. “I don’t have anything to eat or drink in this house.” 

NSG: Let me just look at this… <surveys the stacks of papers on his counter> This is my life, right here. ... How are you doing? I’m kind of freaked out.
M: What do you mean, freaked out, why are you freaked out?
NSG: Just freaked out. Actually, I’m beyond freaked out. You’re in shock, aren’t you?

We go out to the car. “You could’ve gotten my paper, but you didn’t,” he says, as it was under the rear wheel. 
NSG: I can honestly say that that was a first for me. 
M: Really? 
NSG: Yeah, like that, in the fourth-largest city in the country with people all around. I wonder if there was a video camera out there.
 
+++
 
NSG: So where are you gonna drop me off?
M: I don’t know. Where do you want me to drop you off?
NSG: That was supposed to get a laugh out of you.
M: I smiled. 
NSG: I should make you drop me off in front of everybody.
M: Well, I don’t care. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with it. I mean, how do you think people would react?
NSG: I wouldn’t want to be in the control room.
M: What do you mean?
NSG: They would give you a lot of crap. Do you have to work tonight?
M: Yeah.
NSG: That’s rough.
M: You do, too.
NSG: Yeah but I’m old. 
 
He has me drop him off out front. He's worried because there are people there, but it isn’t anybody we know. He says thanks for the ride, leaves the bag that his newspaper came in as a souvenir, and gets out: “Email me later.”

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Mon 06/10/2002
seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
The team was back after a long road trip. The stadium had been re-named. I am feeling slightly giddy. I say to [Roommate]: “You know how Diane Sawyer said she just wanted to forget the first pitch and jump on Brad [Ausmus] when she was here? I’m feeling like that.”
 
NSG says he is going across the street, to Home Plate. [Roommate] says maybe I should go hang out with them because I'm bouncing off walls. And she has a headache and is going home to watch the World Cup. So off I go to Home Plate. NSG sees me when I walk in and gestures to the guy sitting next to him. “This guy is the Dook mascot. She’s a Tar Heel. The only Tar Heel I’ll ever hire.” I say, “I still don’t know why you hired me.” He says, “Well, you were hot.”
 
[Relief pitcher] comes over and buys a round. By the end of the evening there are five of us left: me, NSG, and three other guys from the grounds crew/clubhouse. And I’m tired, and I would leave, but I don’t feel like moving. And one of the other guys keeps saying he’ll walk me to my car, but I’d really prefer to wait for NSG, who is complaining loudly about the now-departed Dook mascot. “I still defend them,” says NSG, “and I shouldn’t.” He talks about the lesbians he encountered in a bar in Arizona. K makes a rude gesture, and I make a face. B says, “K, we have a lady here.” NSG looks over, grabs me and pulls me to him, and says, “Nah, Molly’s been around the block.” He laughs.
 
It seems as if we might actually have a conversation; he says, “Okay, I’m coming over there,” and sits down beside me. I’m wearing a skirt tonight, and I've got my legs crossed, and the crossed one hits his leg. He says, “Okay, you’re rubbing my leg there.” I say, “Sorry,” and move. “Well, you can do it,” he says, “just take your shoe off first.” I don’t. But then he starts rubbing my knee. And then he starts going up my thigh. All the while continuing conversations with B and K. I am having trouble breathing normally. Whenever someone walks by, he stops, but it's not like he's really hiding anything. And then he goes for it all and sticks his hand right between my legs. In the bar! In front of people! This goes on for a few minutes, and then it’s time to leave. 

K gives me this unbelievably cheesy “thanks-for-coming” speech as NSG and B walk out. B asks NSG where he’s parked. NSG says, “I’m just gonna walk Molly to her car, and then I’m parked over in the building.”
 
He asks if it’s hard to walk in my shoes, which were my tall shoes this time. I say, “No, do I really look uncomfortable in them?” He shrugs, smiles slightly, and says, “You look hot in them.”
 
We get to the car; he walks around to the passenger side and arranges himself there with his bag shoved in between his legs. 
 
NSG: Let’s just sit here a minute. Why is your light on? Is it gonna go off?
M: Yeah, it should.
Then it does and he leans over and starts kissing me. I laugh. You would think I would be able to stop that impulse by now.
NSG: Why are you laughing? Why did you laugh?
M: Because it surprised me… that was so abrupt.
NSG: Yeah… You can always tell me to stop.
M: But I don’t want you to stop.
NSG: You should. … Okay, back up under the bridge.
M: Why?
NSG: So we don’t get caught. And I don’t want to see the ballpark.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Tue 05/28/2002
shot through the heart, and you're to blame
After the game, at Home Plate, I sat down next to K2 from the grounds crew.
 
K: You don’t like beer much, huh?
M: Eh, I mean, I’ll drink it, if someone else is buying. … But I got drunk the other night and no one took advantage.
K: Did you want a certain someone to take advantage?
M: Uh, I’m gonna plead the fifth there.
K: I’ll take that as a yes. … Just go over there and sit down. He’s a guy. He won’t turn you down. And if you keep doing that thing with your beer bottle, he might get tight.
 
I wasn’t doing anything consciously with my beer bottle, so I can’t duplicate it. Sadly. I did go over there and sit down after a while, but it wasn’t the right time.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sat 05/25/2002
so I settled for a burger and a grape sno cone
NSG: Did you go out last night?
M: No, did you?
NSG: No I did not.
M: Huh. I, uh, I went home and went to bed.
NSG: Alone?
M: Yes…
NSG: How’s your best friend, do you talk to her every day?
M: She’s good. She and Josh broke up.
NSG: Really? Why? Who did it?
M: He did. He got kicked out of police academy and then just told her he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship anymore. But she doesn’t seem too broken up about it.
NSG: Is it a shock?
M: Well, I thought they’d end up married, but I thought she could do better.
NSG: Yeah, you said that.
M: I was glad she came. It was good. And she didn’t laugh at me.
NSG: I should’ve taken the two of you home with me. <grins> She should come back. … That’s gross. Tell me that’s gross.
M: That’s gross. I can’t believe you said that.
NSG: Well, now you’re going too far.
M: <shrugs> Okay, I can believe you said that. You shouldn’t have said that.
NSG: Why not? I’ve always wondered what that would be like, what kind of guy you have to be to pull it off.
M: Have you ever tried it?
NSG: <with his best “what-a-stupid-question” look> No! I’ve never had the guts to try it.
M: Well, you said, that one time in Durham…
NSG: No, that was just, there were a bunch of us, and we were all friends, and we just started doing stuff. And I went, wait a minute, what are we doing here? We just messed around.

In the game, the starting pitcher leaves after the second inning with a strained intercostal muscle. A few minutes later, after [Friend] makes the announcement, NSG says, “What would you announce if a guy strained his penis? Strained groin?” [Friend] just looks at him, rather incredulously, and goes, “That’s not normal,” and shakes his head. A minute later, he comes back with, “Where do you come up with this stuff?” NSG says, “I was just sitting here thinking about it.”
 
After the game we went across the street to the bar, where I drank too much. After a while NSG stands up, starts telling everyone good-bye, and then looks back at me.
NSG: Where are you parked?
M: B Lot. Wanna walk me to my car?
NSG: Yeah. <I get up, go over to where he’s standing, but it takes him a minute to notice.> Oh, there you are. 
 
NSG: You’re walking slow. <I was, but then I was drunk, so I was concentrating more on walking straight.> You and your [infamous baseball PR woman] shoes.
M: That’s mean.
NSG: That was mean, huh?
M: Yeah.
NSG: You walk out here alone at night?
M: Well, [Roommate]’s usually with me.
NSG: Oh, that’s great. Like she’s gonna kick somebody’s ass.
M: She would.
NSG: So. The infamous B Lot.
M: Heh. Yeah. ... So I still need your advice about this job thing.
NSG: Well, baseball’s no good right now. I don’t think you should take another internship.
M: Then what am I supposed to do?
NSG: I don’t know. … Lemme think about that. 
 
I drop him at his car and he tells me to be careful, and then he leaves. 

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Fri 05/10/2002
whole world could change in a minute
I needed job advice. I asked NSG but he made me go out to the bar with him after the game to get it.
 
NSG: So what do you want to talk about? I’m going to make you go right to the point.
M: Okay. My [current job] is over June 30, and they’re going to ask me to come back next year.
NSG: As an intern?
M: Yeah. And I just, I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you about it.
NSG: Well, what do you think?
M: I’ve convinced myself of both ways, actually, so I really don’t know anymore.
NSG: What was your initial thought?
M: My initial thought? No.
NSG: No? You don’t want to do it?
M: No. But I could. I mean, it has certain advantages. Like, it’s a job. 
NSG: It is. ... So, there’s three options. You could go in and talk to [boss], and ask him if you can do more. No, don’t laugh. Sometimes, you need to just say, ‘Hey, we’re doing it this way, whether you like it or not.’ Or, you could apply for a lot of other jobs. This is the time that all the SID positions open up. 
M: Yeah, but I don’t think that’d be any better. I mean, I don’t really like this whole sports information thing, so I might as well stay here, you know?
NSG: You never know. It really depends on who you work with. [Roommate] is not too happy right now where she is, with the smaller staff. 
M: I know.
NSG: I like it better. I mean, I don’t like it better, but I didn’t like having two interns last year. I had to worry about that. And this year, I just have to deal with all this stuff at a time in my life where I don’t really need to be worrying about it. You all think I’m stressed. I’m really not. Like today, we had lunch with the former president, and I was the only Democrat there, and we made a trade, and lost a coach, and it’s fine. But regular average day against Pittsburgh, if the game notes are late, then I get stressed. And I have to worry about [roommate] all the time, and [friend] about once a week… the rest of the time, he’s doing his fantasy baseball stuff. No one worries about me.
M: I worry about you. [Roommate] worries about you.
NSG: Eh… You want to stay in Houston?
M: Well, I kind of like it.
NSG: Yeah, I do too… Or, you don’t have to take it. There. I’ve given you advice, and I think it’s pretty good advice, and you’re not saying anything. You’re in quiet mode again.
 
Then the clubhouse guys show up, so he’s all happy. Meanwhile, everyone notices how quiet I am. Clubhouse guy (K) says, “You think we’re all idiots, don’t you? You think all we do is get drunk and act stupid.” I tell him I like everyone already so it’s not a problem. He says, “I just figure life’s not worth living if you’re not having fun.”
 
Another clubhouse guy (also K, since none of this matters) who I hadn’t met before tonight comes over and sits beside me, and says, “Just go over there and kick NSG in the ass and tell him it’s time to leave.”
M: What do you mean?
K: I can see the way you’re looking at him.
M: Which is?
K: Like you want to use him and you’ll let him use you. Go on. Just go kick him in the balls or something.
M: He won’t listen to me. What makes you think I have any control over him?
K: Oh, he’d go…

K2 says it’s the guy’s job to please the girl, after he grabbed my ankle and wanted to know why it wasn’t smooth. He says girls should always shave because “wouldn’t you shave if you knew you were really close to a hook-up?” I said yeah, but I’m not really close to a hook-up. He says, “Always. You should always be ready.” He says a guy can get off with anything, “even a hot shower,” but it’s his job to make a woman’s toes curl. “If her toes don’t curl, then he’s doing something wrong or he doesn’t really like her.” This discussion culminates with the disclosure that he’s “just sitting here imagining what you’d look like naked.” Then he got embarrassed; I figured it was time to leave. So I go over to NSG and ask him if he’ll walk me to my car. He agrees, tells everyone he’s going to walk me to my car; he’ll be right back. Someone yells, “Oh yeah, we know what you’re really going to do!” NSG says, “It’ll be quick!” 

NSG: Did you have fun?
M: <chuckles> Yeah… That guy, K2, said he was imagining what I’d look like naked.
NSG: He said that? Wow. … I’ve seen you naked. ... [But] now I feel bad.
M: Why is that bad?
NSG: I just, I feel like I forced it.
M: You didn’t. I wanted to.
NSG: Yeah… But you were like, “Eh, I don’t know… Should I stop him?”
M: No, I knew I didn’t want you to stop. I just knew we should stop.
NSG: Why didn’t you stop it?
M: Because I liked it. I was afraid you were gonna stop.
<We’ve reached the car. He leans against it.>
NSG: Where are you going?
M: Home… unless you want me to go somewhere else.
NSG: So I gotta think about other options at work. I don’t wanna have to worry about you.
M: No, don’t worry. See, that’s why I didn’t know if I wanted to tell you, because I didn’t want you to worry. I’ll probably just stay.
NSG: No, don’t do that. … You better go.
M: Okay. <Then he leans against me, and rubs my extreme upper thigh, and I, of course, laugh.>
NSG: Why are you laughing?
M: Because you’re making me want you.
NSG: Ooohhh… wow. That’s good. How do you know, though?
M: I just know... 
<I’m in front of him now, and he keeps shifting, and pressing into me, and then he starts rubbing my stomach, which is just like I remembered and makes me REALLY want him.>
NSG: Where’s your [belly button] ring? <He’s searching for it. This is an incredible feeling.> Oh, there it is. … You should leave. I’ve had too much to drink.
M: Can I just lean on your shoulder for a while?
NSG: Yeah, but I’m gonna rub your stomach… and other things. You can stop me if you want to.
M: No, I don’t want to.
NSG: Why not?
M: This is so… <looks away, out at the highway>
NSG: So what? What were you gonna say? ... No, come on, what? Dangerous?
M: Bad. <But naturally I was smiling, so he keeps on going.>
NSG: I’m just messing around. I bet someone’s watching this from inside [the Lofts apartments].
 
Then he starts kissing my neck. He started on my cheek and just went right down, and it surprised me, a little, because he seemed like he was going to stop. I was about to melt into him. Could not catch my breath. He laughs. 
M: What?
NSG: Nothing.
M: See, you’re allowed to do that, but I’m not. You make me tell you everything, and then you don’t tell me things.
NSG: I do. I just think it’s funny. We’re here going, "Uhh… Should we do this?" 
M: I could do a lot of things.
NSG: What kind of things? …
M: Heh. A lot. I just, I don’t know what to do. I mean, you, you’re all about the ladies—
NSG: That’s just talk.
M: And I don’t know if you go home and do this every night…
NSG: I don’t. I haven’t been with anyone. Just you.
M: And I don’t know what you think.
NSG: About what?
M: Me.
NSG: There’s just this weird attraction there.
M: Why is it weird? ... That’s not weird.
NSG: <smiles> Yes it is.
M: Okay, fine, it’s weird. <I leaned my head against his chest. He played with my hair.>
NSG: No… it’s not. … You can talk about work now.
M: Why do you keep going back to that? What do you want me to say? You can ask me something if you want… I’m not very good with this stream of consciousness thing.
NSG: If only you weren’t living with [Roommate].
M: What would happen then?
NSG: That could be dangerous. ... All right. You need to go. We’ll continue this later. 

+++
 
The next day he says, "They busted me when I got back. They said I was gone for like an hour. I told them no way was it an hour."


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sat 05/04/2002
the strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
My best friend came to visit me in Houston. She had been apprised of the situation. I introduced her to everyone at work, and then we all went over to the bar across the street after the game. NSG sat down and looked over at me, and then looked at Kristen.
 
NSG: So this is your best friend… And you had to say that, too, could you have made it any more uncomfortable?
M: No, it shouldn’t have been. It’s all good, though – she approves.
NSG: Approves? <laughs> How much does she know?
M: Uhhh… enough…
NSG: Yeah, but how much does she know, like details?
M: Well, I don’t know… she knows it happened.
NSG: I can’t believe you didn’t tell [roommate].
M: I couldn’t tell [roommate].
NSG: Why – you don’t think she’d approve?
M: No, I don’t think she’d approve… and I think she’d be disappointed. Did you want to tell her?
NSG: No! <He widened his eyes, kind of smiled.> 

I had finished my drink by this point, and I was sucking on the ice cubes, but I was picking them out one by one, and I happened to drop one, and it hit my foot and then the floor. Which is not necessarily funny, except that I looked over at Kristen and she was smiling because she saw me do it, so I started giggling.
NSG: What, why are you laughing?
M: <looks at him> I just dropped an ice cube.
NSG: Where? <he looks down at my chest> On your boobs?
M: <laughs> No! On my foot.
NSG: Mmm. <looks at my chest> It could get lost in there. 
 
NSG: So you’re from Durham? How long have you two known each other?
K: Um, since high school, really.
NSG: Did you go to Carolina?
M: Ha. … No, she was a Dook fan. 
K: I go to school in Boston.
NSG: Do you like it up there?
K: Not really.
NSG: <eyes wide> How can you not like it there?!? I love Boston. <to me> She doesn’t like Boston!
M: <shrugs> I know. I liked it when I went up there. She wants to move back to North Carolina.
NSG: Well, I want to move back to North Carolina. <I swear, the man is a walking contradiction. This is why it’s so hard to know what he’s thinking.>
M: I don’t know what it is with you dookies.
NSG: I’m not a dookie. 

NSG: So, when did you tell her? 
M: <looks at Kristen> Uhh, when did I tell you? … I think it was the day after.
NSG: Yeah, I think you told me that at lunch… Does she know details?
M: She knows enough.
NSG: That we hooked up? 
M: I think, basically, that’s it. I mean, I told her what happened.
NSG: What…?
M: You were there…
NSG: Details?
M: <looks at Kristen> What did I tell you?
K: It’s kind of fuzzy.
NSG: Oh, it’s not fuzzy. <I was so glad he said that – I was worried that he didn’t remember.>
M: <at the same time> It’s not fuzzy. … She knows more on how I feel about this whole thing, that’s all.
NSG: And how do you feel? Oh, T.J.’s coming back now. 
 
After I finished my third drink, I looked at Kristen and said I shouldn’t drive. She just kind of nodded. NSG looked concerned. 
NSG: Can’t she drive home?
M: She doesn’t want to.
NSG: I’m leaving. … Do you need a ride?
M: Nah, it’s all right.
NSG: <to Kristen> She can give you directions and you could drive.
K: Yeah…
M: I could say something about that but I won’t.
NSG: You’re always doing that. I hate it when you do that. You know, I don’t have many pet peeves, but that’s one of them, when you start something and then you won’t say it. ‘Oh, it’s nothing.’ I don’t know what you’re thinking.
M: She knows what I’m thinking.
NSG: What’s she thinking?
K: Uhh…
NSG: Ohh, you’re just like her!
M: I just thought it might be funny if I said she could drive home alone but then I decided it wouldn’t be funny, so I didn’t say it.
NSG: <grins> That’s good. Heh. How would you explain that to [roommate]? … You’d think of something. What I need to do is take you both home with me; think of the stories I could tell with that.
M: Yeah, how would we explain that to [roommate]?
NSG: Eh, I don’t know… I haven’t done that since I lived in Durham.
M: Done what, exactly?
NSG: Gone home with two girls. We just messed around. … I couldn’t do that. … All right, I’m leaving. Where’d you park?
 
He walked us to the car. I couldn't stop giggling, and he asked again why I was laughing. I said it was because I had three drinks and I only ate fruit for dinner. Then we got back to the you-start-something-but-don’t-finish-it thing, and I told him I kept laughing because he kept making faces at me and I didn’t know what to do. He’d look at me, and his eyes would just kind of slide over me, so then I’d watch him right back, and I want him, so I was smiling. And he was making faces, like he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Or something.
NSG: What kind of faces?
M: I don’t know! I don’t know what you’re thinking, either!
We stood there for a minute, just looking at each other, and neither of us really knew what to do, I don’t think. 
NSG: All right, I gotta go. It’s 25 miles back [home]. I’m gonna go home and eat Cap’n Crunch. Be safe.
 
Then he left. We got in the car. Kristen was driving.
K: You gotta stop giggling. 
M: I know, but I can’t help it. And he does the same thing to me; he won’t tell me what he’s thinking. He was making faces all night long.  
K: Right after you said that, he just looked you up and down. I was like, ‘Oh, God…’
M: I didn’t know he did that! I knew he was looking down my shirt, but I didn’t know he did that… K: YEAH. And he kept going on about details! I thought once you said ‘enough,’ he’d get the idea, but he kept pushing. And he just said that part about hooking up right in front of that guy, T.J.! 

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Wed 03/20/2002
look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me laugh
Tim had gotten a new job and was leaving the Astros. I was sitting at home watching Dawson’s Creek after I went running, when he called me out of nowhere. He says there’s this job, where I would sit in the control room and watch the games on a monitor and log highlights. He can get it for me before he leaves. Would I be interested? I say yes, but I do have this other job that could get in the way.
 
“You don’t have to answer right away,” he says. “Hey, I’m starving. Do you want to go grab some food somewhere? We could talk about the job some more. Or whatever.” Hmm. Okay. “How about 8?” he says. “Will that give you enough time? … And I won’t show off anything this time.” 
 
So. We meet for dinner. He talks about how he has sworn off drinking for a month, because first of all he wanted to be more healthy, and then also because now he has a bet on it. His betting partner said there was no way he’d be able to stay away from alcohol for a month. But he says the hardest part was the first week, when he was at Spring Training, and now that he’s back it doesn’t even matter. And then he said it was part of remaking Tim as a person, because he used to be naïve innocent Tim and he wanted to get back there. This is because he met a girl, one that he really liked, thought he could hit it off with, but she didn’t want to get together because of his past. (I’m thinking “naïve innocent Tim"? You’ve got to be kidding.)
 
Then he says he felt bad about his little exhibitionist act after the Super Bowl. Says he was sitting around afterward, drinking, and felt bad because he didn’t know me all that well, and he just whipped it out there. I tell him I thought it was funny, but for some reason I wasn’t expecting it, and it just caught me off guard. I don’t know why it caught me off guard; we were joking about it all night long, and then he went to show me the garage. Hello? But I wasn’t expecting it, really, and I was just a little bit shocked. 
 
Then he says he really rather likes the whole exhibitionist idea; that’s how he ended up on his balcony in [home city] naked when he went home for the holidays. “How do you think my arms got so strong?” he says. This starts a nice little discussion about masturbation. He thinks it’s easier for girls, because he’s known some girls who can do it at work and he can’t. I disagree, because guys, all they need is their hand, and for girls, it’s a lot easier with outside stimulation. “Like a picture or physical?” he asks. (Somehow it’s not all that weird to be discussing this with him. Which in itself is weird.) Then he says that he has this friend, a girl, and they have a great relationship; they can have sex if they’re not seeing anyone else, no strings attached, and she made a videotape of him spanking the monkey. (I asked if he was on the balcony at the time. He said no.) But then she started dating someone and so she gave it back. 
 
Then we finish dinner and he says, “So. Where do you want to go now?” Uhh. “We could go back to my place,” he says. “Or Little Woodrow’s, but since neither of us really drinks… Let’s go back to my place; we can park there and go to the bar after that.” Well, I’m not all that keen on going back to his place, not that he seems to want anything, but still, it just doesn’t seem like that great of an idea. But we get to his place; he gives me the tour, says he wants to change. He does, and then I’m sitting on the couch, and he says, “You know, we can just hang out here.”
 
So we hang out, watch TV; he shows me his photo album, starting from when Tim was a baby. Then we re-visit the conversation we had after the Super Bowl, because I can’t get past it. “Yeah,” he says. “I was just walking with [coworker] one day, and saw you and I did a double-take and went, whoa, I don’t think she’s wearing a bra. I went, ‘[Coworker], did you see that?’ And he went, ‘What? Molly?’ So I don’t think he noticed. There’s a lot he doesn’t know. But after that I made it part of my daily routine to check on that. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way, but every time I saw you… Did you notice that?” I said maybe once or twice I realized he was looking at my chest; really, I didn’t pay all that much attention – I had no idea it looked like I maybe wasn’t wearing a bra. “I mean, like today, you’re fine,” he says. “You’re all covered, and so I know you’re wearing one. But it was summer.” 
 
That was it. Watched TV for a while, finally said I had to leave. He said, “Yeah, well think about the job and give me a call.”   
 
Much later, I told NSG guy about this encounter (and the Super Bowl exhibition) and he was flabbergasted that nothing had happened. I don't know. Like I said, it was a weird vibe. Soon after this Tim started dating [future wife] so I don't know if maybe he actually was talking about her? Or if it was just a fishing expedition? Missed opportunity? 

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EST
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