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Thu 06/02/2022
never made it as a wise man

Minor league baseball, at least at its highest level, is a bit of a strange animal. You have the guys who are on their way, who are sure to make it, who have their whole lives in front of them. And then you have the guys who made it, already, but they got hurt, or they got figured out, or whatever, so they're trying to make it back. 

Unfortunately when I worked in minor league baseball, I was not equipped to deal with these players. There was a bit of hero worship, I suppose, going on, and I was sort of in awe. (I finally think I could handle it, now. Haaaaa.) Anyway, sticking to the theme of poignant memories, I present: the locker room, circa early 2000s.

Molly, to former big leaguer trying to get back: Hey, what's your hitting intro?
FBL: I don't know, I never picked one. Can you do that?
M: Yeah.
FBL: I never had one, even when I was in the big leagues. They just played whatever.
M: Can you hear it? Do you even notice it?
FBL: Yeah, you notice it sometimes. I just notice the one they've got now, it seems so ... tired.
M: Well you should pick something out.
FBL: Yeah, that'd be good. I always thought, you know, I'd pick out something really cool, but then no one ever asked me, and then it didn't matter.

SO SAD.

Later that day, FBL calls me back to the locker room to get the song. I get in there, and he is playing Minesweeper on the computer. I guess playing baseball is not unlike every boring corporate job ever. (Ha.)

FBL: I don't know what that song is. Hey, [future star], what's that song?
FS: *waits a beat* Oh yeah! That song. [he rolls his eyes, laughing]
FBL: I know what it is. [he gets up from the computer and FS takes his place]
FS: I just need an opening here...
FBL: It's that song, the one by Nickelback that [second baseman]'s always playing.
FS: Uhh...
FBL: The one, it goes [he hums a beat]
FS: ...Yeah, I don't know what you just did, but that was not Nickelback.
FBL: That one, the one I sing other lyrics to.
FS: The one about [pitcher]?
FBL: No! That other one. I made up other lyrics to it but I can't sing them with her in here.
M: [dying from trying to stifle laughter] Yeah if you can't sing them in front of me, I don't wanna know.
FBL: I'll think of it, just give me a minute. 

Eventually he thinks of it, but the ballpark entertainment folks don't have that CD (I am OLD) so they play "How You Remind Me" and then the pressbox attendant who was a fixture there, says, "It's about time [FBL] changed his song, because that other one was old and tired and boring."


Posted by Molly at 2:01 PM EDT
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Thu 05/12/2022
could you paint me back into her arms again?

At one point in my life, I actually did fun things. I went out at night. I met up with friends. We talked and laughed. It was nice. It was nice having friends. 

I made some ... questionable ... decisions my first year working in Memphis, so the next year I had resolved to really buckle down and work hard and make it back to the big leagues. But that same year I made a lifelong friend, let's call her Sarah, and one night when we didn't have a game, she asked me to come out drinking with her.

We ran into some ballplayers. One of them, let's call him Mike, said this year he just found everything funny. He never used to, but this year it was just funny. He said to one of the other players, let's call him Chris, "You're the only one who laughs with me. Like when [second baseman] didn't call you off and you had to keep running and running. Or when you tripped rounding third base. I almost did that, too. I couldn't believe I was out there running. I mean, I'm retired, and suddenly I'm out there pinch-running."

This was news to me. Apparently Mike had retired. 

Eventually, Chris, Mike, Mike's brother, Sarah, and I went back to Mike's apartment. He put on some music, and Paint Me a Birmingham came on. I like and identify with sad, sad country songs, so this became a Moment. "Country music makes me want to do it," said Chris, who at that time was wearing only a cock sock and making out with Sarah on the couch. 

I asked Mike if he was really retiring. 

"Yeah," he said. "I guess I'm going to go watch the game at the park tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do. ... It's the first time in 25 years that I won't be playing baseball. It's kind of weird. ... I'm a little nervous, but it's exciting." 

He walked me back to my car in the parking garage. Sarah and Chris ... went elsewhere.

The next day, he was at the park in street clothes. He watched the game, and then he left. 

After that, every time I heard Paint Me a Birmingham, I would think of that night. Occasionally I would look up these guys, see what they're up to now. Well, it turns out they died. Cancer sucks. 

Life is short. I miss my friends. Rest easy, guys. 

Mike leaving the ballpark


 

 


Posted by Molly at 6:07 PM EDT
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Tue 05/03/2022
that time I met Kurt Browning

In an effort to distract myself from my ongoing mental breakdown, I got the bright idea to read my excruciating old diary entries. That obviously was dumb, but I did write other stuff down, too, like the time I met Kurt Browning. I used to love watching figure skating growing up, and he was my first favorite skater. Years later I was working in baseball and worlds collided.

It was the very beginning of the baseball season, and Stars on Ice was in Houston, and the skaters came to the game. The ballpark entertainment staff wanted Todd Eldredge to throw out the first pitch, but I guess they asked Kurt instead because he had done it at other venues. (Obviously he's the best so he should have been the first choice anyway. Ha.) Then SOI gave the ballpark entertainment folks tickets to the show the following night, which was getaway day, so they could go. Shockingly they did not use all their tickets, so they gave an extra one to me. 

So we went to the show (where Browning and Eldredge "recreated" the first pitch but on ice) and afterwards we got to go backstage and meet Kurt Browning (!!!). He had a signed picture for the ballpark entertainment staff, which he has signed "I had a ball!" which is just the cutest thing ever. The SOI pr guy says the skaters really enjoyed the game. "Well...the girls got tired of it around the fourth inning, and they left, and the Russians didn't really get it... But the American men had a ball!" (Not so cute that time.)

"Oh yeah!" Kurt says. "It was great. You know, I thought I was gonna throw out the first pitch, get accosted by a fellow Canadian and then they were gonna lose. But I was a good luck charm! And your third base coach, I don't know why he held up the runner. I thought it was all over right there. That was the tying run." (He apparently was rooting for his fellow Canadian and the opposing team, lolz.)

Kurt Browning talking baseball is awesome! Then he posed for a picture and shook everyone's hand. The ballpark entertainment staffer went and got Katarina Witt's autograph. "I'm a dork," he said, "but it's okay because I know it." 


 

 


Posted by Molly at 4:48 PM EDT
Updated: Fri 05/06/2022 11:21 PM EDT
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Fri 02/16/2018
the best game you can name

Anne and I had more (ridiculously tame) hockey adventures this week. We went to the C@nes-K!ngs game which the home team somehow won convincingly and went afterward to stand in the cold and wait for autographs. Sadly after a big win, not very many players stopped, but it was still rather entertaining.

This was due mainly to the head coach, who pulled his truck over to inform the small crowd that "the players are still in the locker room but I had to get out of there quick, I have to go give my wife her Valentine!"
Crowd, as one: OOOOOOOOH.
Coach, laughing: Not like that!

He shook his head and drove off.

The other funny thing was this one 7-year-old who was there with his dad. Dad had trading cards for the players to sign but he wasn't always quite sure who was who. But he did get it right when TVR pulled over, and told the kid to wait his turn and then politely ask if TVR would sign his jersey and card.

So, when it was the kid's turn, he held out the card and said, politely, "What's your name?"

TVR, looking slightly pained and peering at the dad: ...Trevor.
Kid: Will you please sign my jersey?
Dad: *facepalming* 

After TVR drove off...

Dad: You don't ask them who they are! You just take the autograph if they're nice enough to give it to you!
Kid: I didn't ask who he was! I asked what his name was! He was a creepy van guy!

Sadly, Commie was not there to sign my #22 jersey. 


Posted by Molly at 1:25 PM EST
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Tue 08/29/2017
Tonsils

At the doctor's office, Patrick suddenly said, loudly and worriedly, "I don't want to have my testicles removed!"

I laughed somewhat nervously and the doctor said, "Oh, do you have a dog that just had that done?"

Patrick said no, and then he asked if it would hurt.

I said he didn't have to worry about getting his testicles removed, but if you had surgery they gave you medicine to make you sleep and you didn't feel it.

Several minutes later I realized he meant tonsils. 


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Wed 07/26/2017
trolls

Back in North Carolina last month, we watched Trolls for the first time when it hit Netflix. Audrey was immediately smitten, and so was my mom. Yet after repeated watchings, we still didn't have all the troll names down.

When Mom was up here in Ohio last week, we watched Trolls again. At one point Princess Poppy says good night to all her friends, including Satin and Chenille.

Audrey: "Mom! Their names are Satin and Chenille!"
Grandma: "Oh? Captain and Tennille?"
Me: *hysterical laughter*
Grandma: I think there's a generation gap here. 


Posted by Molly at 10:38 AM EDT
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Sat 07/22/2017
where the wind comes sweeping down the plains

Last Sunday, my mom, my Aunt Chris, me and Audrey went to see Ok!ahoma! at the Er!e Playhouse. I was ... not super excited. I'm just not that cultured; I don't love plays, and I was worried about how Audrey might act. She's fine sitting through a movie, though, even a non-animated one, so I figured we could give it a shot.

We arrived just a few minutes before showtime and got settled. Oddly, the playhouse had a movie screen in front of the curtain and was showing previews/ads. Eventually the orchestra started playing. I (again, uncultured) assumed that this was the intro and that any moment the curtain would rise. This was not the case. The music went on and on. The curtain remained stubbornly down. Audrey was already bored.

Finally the curtain went up. There was a nice lady pretending to churn butter in the middle of the stage. Up and down, up and down. Things did not improve from there.

None of us actually knew anything about the play. Aunt Chris and Mom knew a few of the songs. But we really had no idea about the plot. So when, midway through the first act, the cowboy started trying to convince the guy in the smokehouse to hang himself, we were a bit taken aback. Audrey was blissfully unaware of this, having draped herself across my lap to proclaim that she was hungry! And thirsty! And really hungry!

Since I was mostly trying to keep Audrey from complaining too loudly, I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to Mom and Chris. Until Mom's phone started ringing. She just got a new number last month, and apparently Steve or Jerry who had the number previously, didn't inform his friends of the change. So Steve/Jerry's friend had something important to say on a Sunday afternoon, and Mom had forgotten to silence the phone. It took 4 rings to silence it, and by then the (mostly very old) people around us were starting to look unhappy.

Aunt Chris leaned across and whispered, "There's only two more songs until intermission." Sadly, she had miscounted. Two songs later began the 15-minute-long drug-induced dream sequence ballet portion of the play. I will hand it to the folks at the Er!e Playhouse. They were true to the movie, at least. At this point, I noticed that Aunt Chris was fanning herself with her playbook. It WAS a bit stuffy in the theater. A few minutes later, still in the midst of the awful dream sequence, Aunt Chris began fanning harder. I looked over and noticed that tears were streaming down her face.

Turns out that when the overly skinny dancing cowboys had come onstage, THEY HAD NOT BEEN DANCING IN UNISON. This set Mom off. She had a prodigious laughing fit and could not contain herself. Aunt Chris was trying to hit her while also not looking at her because SHE couldn't contain herself. Mom began trying to do some Lamaze breathing techniques.

Luckily, FINALLY, one hour and 49 minutes in, intermission came. We marched out into the lobby and Aunt Chris announced that there was no chance we were going to stay for the second act, and we walked out.  


Posted by Molly at 7:22 PM EDT
Updated: Wed 07/26/2017 10:34 AM EDT
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Thu 02/09/2017
"He was washing his hands"

Once, many years ago, one of my very dear friends said to me, "I wish I could be as obsessed by something as you are with baseball." Regardless of how it was meant, I took it as a compliment. And now, finally, I have found someone who feels the same way about something. And that someone is another dear friend of mine, Anne, and that something is ... stalking hockey players. 

One of the goalies for the local hockey team was having an autograph session at a local taco establishment. We decided to go. And also to eat tacos and drink tequila. Anyway, as it often is, it was me and Anne and the three kids. She had brought lots of things (for Will) to get autographed, and she had two extra posters for Patrick and Audrey to take up there. Audrey, of course, refused to go anywhere near the table. She has still not recovered from the First Goal program. So the boys went up, got their stuff signed, posed for pictures. I handed my phone to Patrick and asked him to take a picture of me and Anne and Edd!e and so he took about 17 terrible ones. We thanked Edd!e and went back to our seats.

Anne said that maybe when the line had died down we could go back up and have an adult take our picture. So we did that. Then, Anne mentioned to Audrey that if she'd go up and pose for a picture, Anne would buy her an ice cream. Audrey refused. But Will heard the magic words "ice cream." So Will and Patrick went back up to chat with Edd!e. Patrick asked him if being a goalie was hard. ("Sometimes yes and sometimes no so much.") Will asked him if he'd come over to the table and see Audrey. Audrey heard this and looked stricken. I reassured her that he wouldn't come over.

Then Edd!e got up to go to the bathroom. Suddenly Will disappeared. And then reappeared. And announced, "He's coming to our table."

Lo and behold, Edd!e emerged from the bathroom and came over to the table to pose for a picture. Audrey was mortified and buried her head in my shoulder. Anne grabbed her phone to take a picture and motioned the boys over. "Ahh, a family picture," said Edd!e, who is totally awesome and grinned and posed for the picture. He then went back to his chips and beer and autographs and we left.

In the car on the way home, we had the following discussion.

Anne: Will, did you follow Edd!e into the bathroom?
Will: ...no.
Anne: You won't be in trouble, we just want to know.
Will: No, I didn't! I didn't follow him into the bathroom.
Anne: Are you sure?
Will: ...yes?
Me: Was he peeing?
Will: No! He was just washing his hands! ... Okay, I followed him into the bathroom.

 


 

 


Posted by Molly at 8:06 PM EST
Updated: Thu 02/09/2017 8:10 PM EST
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Sun 01/03/2016
2015 Year In Review
1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
Sold a house. (It sucked.)
 
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, I resolved to stop letting myself go and lose weight. I think I finally achieved the first but not until I gained more weight so...yeah.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! And more on the way this summer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What places did you visit?
Disney World/Orlando, FL. Galveston. Houston. Creedmoor. Pittsburgh. Washington, DC. Carolina Beach. Wilmington, NC.

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
Oooh I actually achieved a couple of these last year: a bigger house and a shorter drive to get to Target. Sadly I still need more savings. I would like to travel. Like, for real, not just back home, although, that too.

7. What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
We moved to Texas on Sept. 18 and the sale of our house closed on Nov. 25 but I doubt I'll remember those long-term.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not to have a recurring theme here, but ... we sold the house.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting myself go. Spending too much time reading Outlander and thinking about how dissimilar my life is. (HAAAAA.) Being depressed about moving and not making the most of it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, we were mainly healthy in 2015. (knock on wood)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new house? 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The kids have done well with the move.
 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Houses. Taxes. Dear Texas, despite your lack of state income tax, your taxes suck. The end.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Sarah got pregnant. And I went to some hockey games. Ohhhhhh my life is depressing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2015?
So, I listen to sports radio and my CD player in my car broke. I have no idea.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Sadder. I want to go back home.

b) thinner or fatter? Fatter. I need to start using the greenbelt trails.

c) richer or poorer? Poorer. We have too much debt. 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Being present. Writing emails to my far-away friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Thinking about the past and people and things that I shouldn’t. Worrying. GAAH THE WORRYING. STOP IT, MOLLY.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2015?
We opened our presents at our house in the morning, then my parents flew in in the afternoon. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2015?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I finally STOPPED watching Greys Anatomy when Stupid Shonda killed off McDreamy. It was slightly liberating and I don't miss it. I like the Property Brothers. I tried to get into the Outlander TV show but the actor they got for Jamie Fraser just wasn't Jamie Fraser for me. Anne and I called it Scottish porn and Patrick thought we were saying Scottish corn and that was amusing.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2015?
Anne made me a cake and got me a singing candle. We had to do the family celebration early because James was working in Wilmington.

24. What was the best book you read?
I read a fair amount of stuff but nothing particularly memorable, it seems.  

25. What did you want and get?
A new house. Unfortunately not the one we wanted. Our offer wasn't accepted on the one we wanted. We got our second choice but realized after we moved in that the previous homeowner was a DIYer... I see last year I wanted a bathroom remodel and we did technically get that but it went to the new homeowners so boo.

26. What did you want and not get?
The credit card(s) paid off. Fit.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Um. Hm. I saw Cinderella (the live action one) in the theater and it wasn't bad. Other than that I only remember going to see The Good Dinosaur and that wasn't great.

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
No. I need to get on that.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not moving to Texas. But it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
 
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Elastic. And shoes!
 
31. What kept you sane?
My BFF.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I just added someone to my 5. I can't think who it was. Crap. Oh! Chris Pine as Captain Kirk. 

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Trump.

34. Who did you miss?
Who I always miss. [Except! Something. Happened. I don't miss him as much now oddly.] Also, sometimes, my previous life. Not like I want it back, but man, those were some good times. [I have made no progress since 2010.] 

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
Don't move to Texas.

Posted by Molly at 10:44 PM EST
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Wed 07/15/2015
Reptilian

Once again, months have passed. Patrick finished kindergarten. He earned the principal's award for academics and behavior. He continued to cry every.single.morning when I dropped him off. Audrey turned 3. Her party was under-attended and that made me feel bad. I made no plans for the summer and sadly that includes vacation plans. We went to DC over the 4th of July because we are insane, and I was TRYING to get to Denver for our not-quite-annual sibling baseball weekend but that fell through. I saw NSG on TV. He looked basically the same and was sucking his teeth and it gave me warm fuzzy feelings. I had a disturbing dream about a certain Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback. I don't know why I'm recounting these insignificant details.

We might be moving (back) to Houston. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd go back there.

Oh fuck it. The spirit is willing for blogging but the muse has left.

I will close with an amusing story. I suppose I have buried the lede.

James has been working in Wilmington six days a week. So when Patrick asks questions like "Why do I have balls?" I attempt to answer. James says just to leave it to him but I don't like leaving things hanging (as it were. HA). So anyway I launch into this awkward explanation about how when you're as old as Daddy and you're 38 ("He's 37," said Patrick) and you want to have a baby then your balls make the stuff that helps make that happen. "So you grow new ones every time?" Patrick asked. Well, no ... The balls make stuff called sperm, and it meets up with an egg-- "SO WE DO HATCH OUT OF EGGS!" yelled Patrick. "WE'RE REPTILES!"

Job well done, me. 


Posted by Molly at 4:26 PM EDT
Updated: Wed 07/15/2015 4:27 PM EDT
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