pat on the back and better luck next time
I'm still sort of feeling blog-blocked. But I have a lot of little things to say, so today we will have blurbs.

This is why Paul Lo Duca is suddenly my second-favorite New York Met: "We owed [Tom Glavine] this win. He arguably could be 8-0, if you think about it. He's thrown that well, so we owed him this one." Are you paying attention, Willie Randolph?

I love that the Astros fans gave Russ Springer a standing ovation for hitting Barry Bonds, but it does make me remember how they booed Dierker in 2001 when he was intentionally walking Barry. That was a shitty thing to do, fans. Aren't you all ashamed of yourselves now?

In some (annoying) ways, job interviewers are a lot like guys: "We'll call you by the end of the week, no matter what." And then you never hear from them again. My God, it's not like you even want to be friends with an interviewer -- can't they just be honest? "We'll call you if you're selected," that's all they have to say.

One day last week, I heard this song, and it stopped me cold. I don't usually listen to the radio, because I sort of have ADD when it comes to changing the stations and also, I HATE radio commercials, but, the thing is, I had had the same CDs in my car for something like three months, so ... radio! I had actually never heard the song before, but I realized that it just had to be the song that TLB had on his myspace page for a while. (I made myself stop looking at it, and then I went to Iowa, and that ... helped the situation, shall we say, so I don't know how long it was on there for. I just now checked and it isn't there anymore. But ANYWAY.) I chuckled, bitterly, way back when I saw it because the title is "Hate Me" and I was like, Damn, I can't even do that for him. But I hadn't listened to it, until I did, and then I realized that it was perfect.

Moving on to the next point, still related, the song is about this dude (with mad issues) who is taking responsibility for all his selfish relationship mistakes, BUT he's STILL being selfish in the damn song. Okay, you need space, you want me to hate you, but why is it all about you? What about what I want?

Another related point: One of my pet peeves is how people will decide they know what's best for you and impose it on you. HWMNBN did this, he was all, "Oh, you don't want me, you'll be better off without me, you'll find someone better," and I went off on him, because how the fuck would he know? Is he God? (But, I mean, I'm over him now. Except I emailed him today. And I'll care if he doesn't write back. Fuck.) And then he told me about the other woman he said the very same thing to, and I'm betting we're not the only two. It's like you're making this major effort to not be the bad guy (not that only guys do it; I'm sure women do, too, although I, personally, have not), to make it seem like you're still doing something for me, and I should be grateful, and it's not your fault. Well, you're not doing it for me, and I'm not grateful. And it IS your fault. So there.

Anyway. The season finale of Grey's Anatomy was awesome. Because I am a hopeless romantic who also happens to be stupid when it comes to men, I want Meredith and McDreamy to get back together. OBVIOUSLY they are meant for each other. And the chemistry is amazing, and that sex scene? OH, SO HOT. (I'm not horny or anything.) I was reading the forums over at TWOP and all these people are up in arms over it, but I loved it. The way I figure it, everyone has been in a situation where they want someone who is unavailable, for whatever reason, and usually, they never get to have that person. That's reality, so when I'm watching TV, I want the star-crossed lovers to get together. Also, everyone's had that situation, where you know you shouldn't do something but it is going to be so good, and you just do it anyway (see: Iowa) so, more power to you, Meredith and McDreamy. I just don't get why his wife would want to stay with him after she realized that he is in love with someone else. I mean, they have both committed adultery, so I guess if you still wanted to save the marriage after that, sure, give it a chance, but if your husband is actually in love with someone else? Not so much.

save a horse, ride a cowboy
So. I'm experiencing blog block. I have many things to say, but I don't know if I'm quite ready to put them out there. SURVEY TIME!

1. how tall are you barefoot?
about 5'2", which is why I really enjoy wearing three- to four-inch heels. I remember once when I was in college, I met my friend's roommate, and her first words to me were, "Wow, you're short. But you're lucky, because that means you can have sex with the short ones AND the tall ones."

2. have you ever smoked heroin?
no.

3. do you own a gun?
no.

4. rehab?
no.

5. do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"????
doesn't everybody?

6. what do you think of hot dogs?
I eat them at baseball games.

7. what's your favorite christmas song?
"Tender Tennessee Christmas," by Amy Grant. I've actually never experienced a Tennessee Christmas, but I have lived in Tennessee.

8. what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
flavored coffee.

9. do you do push-ups?
no. I used to but now I'm lazy.

10. have you ever done ecstasy?
no.

11. do you kiss on the first date?
sometimes. if the connection's there.

12. do you like painkillers?
when they are necessary.

13. what is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't really use secret weapons. just the obvious ones.

14. do you own a knife?
well, yes. I have silverware and also a couple of steak knives.

15. do you have a.d.d.?
I don't think so, but I think most people have some of the characteristics of ADD. I do tend to multi-task. and right now I have seven windows open on my computer.

16. date of birth?
April 23, 1980.

17. top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
i. I love this show.
ii. I wish [a certain person] were here with me RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.
iii. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. And I never want to go to [a certain job] EVER AGAIN.

18. name the last 3 things you have bought:
i. gas.
ii. peach iced tea.
iii. groceries at Target!

19. name five drinks you regularly drink:
i. tea.
ii. orange cappuccino.
iii. Coke.
iv. water.
v. milk.

20. what time did you wake up today?
my alarm went off at 6:30. I think I actually woke up around 2 p.m., when I had been at work for six hours.

21. current hair?
needs to be cut.

22. current worry?
that I won't be happy.

23. currently who do you hate?
(most of) the Memphis Redbirds front office. but it's kind of a latent hatred, doesn't really manifest itself.

24. favorite place to be?
in the arms of someone I love. or lust after. or who is my gay boyfriend. I like good hugs, okay? and spooning, EVEN THOUGH I HATE THAT WORD WITH AN UNHOLY PASSION.

25. least favorite place to be?
worky work work.

26. where would you like to go?
everywhere. I'm going to Chicago in a couple of weeks. I think London is where I might go next. At least internationally. possibly Nashville or New Orleans, domestically...

27. do you own slippers?
no. I had a great pair that my friend Katherine gave me a loooong time ago, that I loved, and when they wore out I didn't replace them.

28. where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully not here.

29. do you burn or tan?
tan, if I'm careful.

30. last thing you ate?
a Ghirardelli raspberry-filled dark chocolate square.

31. would you be a pirate?
no, but I'd hang out with Captain Jack Sparrow for a day.

32. last time you had an alcoholic drink?
um. I believe it was last Saturday night, or possibly Sunday, very early morning. in Iowa.

33. what songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't.

34. what did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
burglars. and fire.

35. what's in your pockets right now?
I'm wearing yoga pants that don't have pockets.

36. last thing that made you laugh?
"desperate housewives."

37. best bed sheets you had as a child?
I don't remember. the best sheets I've ever had are the ones that are currently on my bed. I LOVE THEM.

38. worst injury you've ever had?
I broke my leg in third grade. that's probably it. also I've needed three stitches in my head on two separate occasions.

39. how many tvs do you have in your house?
one. and I'm getting cable soon! possibly this week!

40. who is your loudest friend?
uh...I don't know. Sarah can get loud when she drinks.

41. who is your most silent friend?
Kristen, probably.

42. does someone have a crush on you?
someone would like to sleep with me and doesn't ever seem to tire of telling me so. does that count?

43. what is your favorite book?
"squeeze play" ... but that's not an all-time favorite. I don't know what is. maybe I haven't read it yet.

44. what is your favorite candy?
peppermint patties.

45. what song do you want played at your wedding?
I want to get married on the beach by a JP and that's all I know.

46. what song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't suppose it matters to me, really. it's more about the people who are still alive and what they want.

47. what were you doing at 12am last night?
sleeping. I was really really tired.

48. do you love the pain of tattoos?
I would have to say no. I don't have one and I don't want to fact the pain to get one. nothing means that much to me.

for the next time we'll be here seems like a million years

when you think of me

and the thunder rolls
Random thoughts:

I don’t like Willie Randolph. Sometimes you can actually pitch to Barry Bonds, like the opposite of every time it occurs to you, buddy. Stupid. Speaking of which: Keith Hernandez. Are you kidding me?

One of my co-workers, who apparently falls into the realm of “hockey fanatic” and who has already informed me that he will be taking me to games next October, said that the Hurricanes were going to sweep the Canadiens. He said that was a prediction from ESPN or something, and he agreed. I said no, I didn’t think they would sweep. As it turns out, I was right, but I also didn’t think they would lose the first two games at home and look bad doing it. I never publicly said that (until now) so I’m not accepting responsibility for being wrong there.

Free cherry soda is really good, takes me back to my childhood (when I drank Faygo Red Pop, oh my God, I might die soon), but it is probably very, very bad for me.

I talked to this guy yesterday, and he sounded like someone who I have decided I should never see again. (I decided this in December, so you can figure that one out for yourself.) It made me miss him.

My alarm is set to the radio, which is set to the local country station (shut up), and this morning it came on in the middle of “What Hurts the Most,” and while I think Rascal Flatts is annoyingly and almost unbearably whiny, the songs that they sing ALWAYS get to me. Because they are true. And I can never decide if it’s good that other people feel these things too, or if it’s bad, because then what you felt wasn’t really that special or unique after all.

I need a new crush, and the only guy who's even tickling my fancy is a bad, bad idea, in so many ways. I need a crush because I am not moving on (which is another Rascal Flatts song...sort of). And today that thing happened, that thing when you're talking to your friend of the opposite sex, and you have that thought, you know the one, where you think, hmm, maybe this guy... but no. No, you can't think that. The last time I had that thought, I ignored my gut instinct and finished the thought (about a week later) and look where that got me.

and it came upon me wave on wave
Fun fact: The Carolina Hurricanes record prior to Feb. 8th was 38-12-4, good for a winning percentage of .704. The Carolina Hurricanes record after Feb. 8th was 14-10-4, a winning percentage of .500. That's not as impressive. (I am master of the obvious!)

Tom Glavine, 04.19.06: "I was happy with it. I wasn't happy with how it ended." Amen.

How is it that you can simultaneously never want to see someone ever again and yet regularly miss that person so much it hurts? (That can be about whoever you want it to be about.)

no ace left in the hole
Sunday is my birthday. I'll be 26, and that feels old. I don't know.

Last year, to mark my 25th year of existence, Sarah took me out to dinner. We went to the Macaroni Grill, because that bread they give you as an appetizer, IT IS DIVINE. I would go for that alone. But I also wanted a birthday bellini, and Macaroni Grill, for your birthday, gives you this huge piece of chocolate cake covered with hot fudge sauce and toasted pecans (I think) with real whipped cream on the side. It is one of the top two restaurant chocolate cakes ever (also the chocolate souffle cake from CPK). The last time I did the Macaroni Grill thing for my birthday, which was probably five years ago or so, they brought out the cake, very low key, ate it. Yay. (Actually now that I think about it, it couldn't have been five years ago because that's when I turned 21, and I was working for the Astros, and Tom Glavine was pitching against them, which actually became a source of much embarrassment later on, but I am getting way off track.) Back to the Macaroni Grill. Sarah and I are eating, and then, across the room, the waiters start clapping, and singing, in Italian of course, for some guy's birthday on the other side of the restaurant. I immediately realize two things: (1)if I want the cake, I will have to endure the operatic happy birthday, and (2)hey, that guy just stole my thunder! Anyway, we finish our meal and Sarah says, to our server, "Hey, by the way, it's her birthday." And not two minutes later the opera-singing guy is coming over and asking my name. ("You can make something up if you want. Most people do.") I tell him, he sings, I blush. But I get the sweet, sweet reward: my chocolate cake, with a cute little candle in it.

That was actually the day before my birthday, because that was when I was still working for the Redbirds (now 1-11, love it!), and we started a homestand on my birthday. So I had to work. After work, I felt like drinking. Heavily. But I didn't want to go out because mostly the bars in Memphis suck, or the people in them do, so yeah. So, Sarah and I decided to just go watch movies at my apartment, while drinking heavily. (Okay, fine, I'm boring. I don't care.) We commence drinking. She is going to make me a cake, a deep dark chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting, that I absolutely adore. I check my e-mail and look for cheap travel fares out of Memphis while she is in the kitchen. Which means that I am not really paying attention to what she's doing. Set the timer, continue drinking. Timer goes off. Cake's done. Sarah calls me over to look at it, because she's not sure if it's done. I stick a knife in it to test, 'cause I don't have any toothpicks. And it's a white cake. We then have the following conversation:

M: This is a white cake.
S: It is not.
M: Yes, it is. Look at it.
S: But I followed the recipe.
M: The recipe is for deep dark chocolate cake. This is white. Did you forget to add the cocoa?
S: No! I did not forget the cocoa!
M: You did! Hahaha. You forgot the cocoa!
S: No I did not. I opened it just for that.
M: Well maybe you opened it and then forgot to put it in.
S: (grabs recipe book) No, see, here it is, I added it right where it said to...here...3/4...oh. It says 3/4 of a cup. I might have added 3/4 of a teaspoon.

We ate it anyway, and it was good. And then we drank some more, and Sarah started calling random people, which was fine, until she made me talk to the Leffer, at which point she got mad because she likes him but he's an idiot, and he was talking to me instead of demanding to speak to her again, AND THEN, while I was in the bathroom, she went into my phone and found a number she shouldn't have and called Warren, while lying to me and telling me it was the Leffer. Fun times!

it's too late to regret it
I was sitting the break room at work today, folding event invitations that were to be sent out to local schools. One of my managers -- the one who knows entirely too much about my personal life and advises me on it -- was sitting there and commented on how neat the creases were.
Molly: Well, I'm anal.
MGR: And that's why it didn't work. You want to know why? That's it. Because he was anal. And two psychopaths don't work together.
Molly: Did you just...? What?
[Receiving manager enters. He says something to the already present manager.]
Molly: Just don't make her mad. She'll call you a psychopath.
RM: What?
MGR: I didn't say you were a psychopath! I was just saying that in some ways, she's like her ex-boyfriend. And he's a psychopath.
RM: Do we ... know this person?
[pause]
MGR: It's your former psychopath.
RM: Oh, you mean Alex.
Molly: It wasn't exactly the best-kept secret around here.
RM: Oh no. We knew from the very beginning. The way you two would talk out on the floor.
Molly: But nothing happened at the very beginning! Nothing happened until the middle of December.
RM: Uh huh.
MGR: He was in the store the other day, you know.
RM: Really?
MGR: Yeah. He came by and was all friendly, and I was like, "What are you doing here? I don't want you here. You were a no-call no-show on your last day."
[Okay. I have heard this statement now from four different people, and ... you think I have problems letting go of stuff? Well, you're right, but still. For what we get paid, and the crap we have to put up with, can you really blame someone for not showing up? I mean, it's not in the best taste, but seriously? Not that big a deal. And I am still defending him. Anyway.]
MGR: He said he had his first day off in eight days, so he finally had some free time, and he thought he'd come see a movie by himself. But then he ended up talking to [Eye Candy] all night, and he didn't make the movie.
RM: His first day off in eight days, huh? Was he burned out? That's what he'd always say to me. "I'm burned out." So I'd say, "Well, do you need me to cut your hours? What can I do?" That's what pissed me off. I tried to work with him every step of the way. He was burned out, so I'd try to cut his hours, but no, he didn't want that, he needed the money, but he was burned out. I didn't know what else to do. And then when he left, he gave two weeks notice, and I said, "Thank you. Thank you." Because I know my receivers, they aren't going to stay around forever, and he gave me two weeks, and I appreciated that. But then he came in and said it was actually one week, and he told me that on Tuesday, and then Friday he didn't show up. So it was more like two days, not two weeks. And it wasn't me, it was my other employees that it affected. People had to switch their schedules and work harder. That's what made me mad.
MGR: See, he doesn't show any consideration to anyone else. He's just an asshole, and you and [Eye Candy] are the only ones who don't see it.
Molly: Nancy spit in his drink.
MGR: What?!?
Molly: She was in the cafe that night.
MGR: [laughs]
RM: So I guess we shouldn't piss off Nancy. ... Is he still working at the RBC Center?
Molly: I don't know. He's not talking to me. But I assume he is.
RM: Why isn't he talking to you? What'd you do?
[That is so NOT what I needed to hear.]
Molly: I don't know!
MGR: She's too good for him, and he figured it out, and that's why he broke up with her. [RM], you know him, and you know her. Tell her she's too good for him.
RM: [forms an L with his thumb and forefinger and holds it to his forehead] He's a loser.

love is a burning thing
This was originally written about a week and a half before I went to Seattle:

So I was talking to my lesbian lady lover (ha! Google hit!) Sarah last night. We have the same conversation repeatedly, actually several conversations that we just re-visit over and over because we have no resolution, or something, but anyway, it was the one where I talk about HWMNBN and then she talks about the Leffer. And I said to her, "The thing that I really want to know, and that I probably never will know for sure, is why HWMNBN and I never had a chance at a functional relationship. Was it because he decided he didn't want a relationship with me, or was it just bad timing?" Now, he has told me that he wanted me after he'd freaked out about the whole thing, for lack of a better term, but he was, you know, freaking out, and there were all those extenuating circumstances. But, because I like to overanalyze these things, I wonder: did he just want me as a piece of ass? Or did he want me? Or did he never want me but he was being nice and letting me down easy? It's not like knowing the answer to the original question (why we never even had a chance) would make me feel good. I mean, either I was just a piece of ass, which no one likes to hear, or we could have had something but we missed it because of...timing. So, yeah, neither option is good. But I really want to know.

And then today I was thinking, really, I just want to know the answers to all this stuff. Like, do I ever get to meet the right man? Do I ever get the right job? What gives? It's the limbo part that sucks, and what sucks about that is that the limbo part is...life.

Okay. Well. That was fun.

Do you note, perhaps, a certain similarity in my feelings? I think that what TLB did, not being honest and saying he wanted to be friends and basically just disappearing, was about the worst thing he could've done (not quite the worst, but almost), BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME DAMN THING THAT HWMNBN HAD DONE. Funny (funny ironic, not funny ha-ha) is what follows in this entry, which, in case you can't figure it out, is about TLB, sort of a beginning, if you will.

In other news, I was positively charmed the other day when a (single!) co-worker gave me a Carolina Hurricanes foam finger. See, I had been giving him crap about the Hurricanes, because he works over at the RBC Center as a bartender on gamenights, and he said, "Well, for that, you're getting a Hurricanes foam finger." (Oh my God. This sounds so, so stupid as I am typing it.) Didn't really think any more of it, until the next time we work together, and he says, "I just wanted to tell you that you're my Hurricanes good luck charm, because that day you gave me a hard time, they beat the Maple Leafs, but the next game, you didn't give me a hard time, and they lost to the Thrashers. The Thrashers!" So I said, "Well, haha, where's my foam finger?" And he said it was in his truck, and then he said he had to walk around and around before he could find the last open souvenir shop to buy it, and I guess the moral of the story is I'm easy because I just thought it was awesome that he actually got it for me.

Yeah. Awesome.

Ooh, new news: the plane ticket for my trip to Des Moines (via Kansas City) has been purchased. I WILL FINALLY GET TO MEET THE LEFFER.

some of the best times you'll never remember
The new boy: gone. I don't think my heart was really in it, and he was nice and all, but there was just no spark. And I thought maybe it would happen in time, because I've fallen for friends in the past (not that it's worked before, but whatever), but I was thinking way too much about it. And I figured if I had to think that much, then it was a bad sign. And I asked one of the guys at work so I could get a guy's perspective (incidentally, it was one who does NOT know the whole sad story, and one who has not previously given me any sort of relationship advice), and he said you can tell right away if it's something you should pursue, if there's that connection, and if it's not right there, right now, well, then why waste your time? He took it a step further and said if anything ever happened to make him realize he couldn't marry the person, he would stop everything just like that.

Just for kicks, I was reading my now-defunct old blog this evening. So for the time being, instead of posting new entries, I'll just re-post old ones. Actually I see that while the names and faces and locations have changed, the big important things haven't, so I'm not any better off now than I was then. I'll have to keep chalking it up to experience, I guess, and hopefully one day I'll learn.

This is what I miss about my old job:

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 12:49 PM
Subject: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

[information about the people they signed]

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:01 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Wow we just added a ton of star power :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:03 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

I know, right? [Mutual friend] and I are commiserating over the lack of [certain favorite player] on the list.


-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:22 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

So does that mean he is not coming back?


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:28 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

It doesn't mean anything for sure. He hasn't signed anywhere yet (or it hasn't been announced), and of course as you pointed out, he is as old as the hills and may retire to spend time with the missus and the little [family name] boys. I saw that [another person] and his wife, just had their third kid - that is one fertile family.


-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:30 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

HAHAHA...you crack me up. I guess I will have to spend a great deal of time consoling you and [mutual friend] if [certain favorite player] doesn't come back and the fact that we have no [other player who is dumb as a rock but funny]...whatever will you two do? I guess we still have [yet another player] "hey I'm winter" [with a cool nickname].

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:33 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Good ol' Winter. He's married now, too, you know. Maybe [another person] will be single. His [picture] is fairly nice. But certainly, I will need a great deal of consoling. (Not over [dumb-as-rocks player], though he was funny.) I feel sure that [mutual friend] will find a new [favorite] among the players... ;)

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:48 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

HAHAHA...I am sure she will. Why can't we ever have a good team? Why do we continually have to suck? I would like to see us win more than 30 games at home. Did you know that they offered me a tryout for the [team]? They saw my cannon of an arm and the fact that I could throw from very shallow center to the pitcher's mound without a bounce. I think I may make the team. My average couldn't be any lower than [former player who was bad]'s. :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:00 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

See, what had happened was that they got you confused with that other Ryan [last name] and they thought you were already under contract with somebody else. Otherwise they would've signed you. I wonder if "[bad player's nickname]" will sign on with anyone.

We have to suck because the [parent club] want to beat us down. They want morale to be low. They will probably sign Barry Bonds to go play at [the Double-A affiliate]. And Michael Jordan will come out of retirement again to play there as well.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:02 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Are you being sarcastic or are they really trying to beat us down? By God we are the crown jewel of minor league baseball. Lets go be affiliated with the 75-time World Champion Cubs (in my mind). I am better than the other Ryan [last name]. He, and the rest of the baseball world, just don't know it yet.

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:03 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

I was being sarcastic...