love is a burning thing
This was originally written about a week and a half before I went to Seattle:

So I was talking to my lesbian lady lover (ha! Google hit!) Sarah last night. We have the same conversation repeatedly, actually several conversations that we just re-visit over and over because we have no resolution, or something, but anyway, it was the one where I talk about HWMNBN and then she talks about the Leffer. And I said to her, "The thing that I really want to know, and that I probably never will know for sure, is why HWMNBN and I never had a chance at a functional relationship. Was it because he decided he didn't want a relationship with me, or was it just bad timing?" Now, he has told me that he wanted me after he'd freaked out about the whole thing, for lack of a better term, but he was, you know, freaking out, and there were all those extenuating circumstances. But, because I like to overanalyze these things, I wonder: did he just want me as a piece of ass? Or did he want me? Or did he never want me but he was being nice and letting me down easy? It's not like knowing the answer to the original question (why we never even had a chance) would make me feel good. I mean, either I was just a piece of ass, which no one likes to hear, or we could have had something but we missed it because of...timing. So, yeah, neither option is good. But I really want to know.

And then today I was thinking, really, I just want to know the answers to all this stuff. Like, do I ever get to meet the right man? Do I ever get the right job? What gives? It's the limbo part that sucks, and what sucks about that is that the limbo part is...life.

Okay. Well. That was fun.

Do you note, perhaps, a certain similarity in my feelings? I think that what TLB did, not being honest and saying he wanted to be friends and basically just disappearing, was about the worst thing he could've done (not quite the worst, but almost), BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME DAMN THING THAT HWMNBN HAD DONE. Funny (funny ironic, not funny ha-ha) is what follows in this entry, which, in case you can't figure it out, is about TLB, sort of a beginning, if you will.

In other news, I was positively charmed the other day when a (single!) co-worker gave me a Carolina Hurricanes foam finger. See, I had been giving him crap about the Hurricanes, because he works over at the RBC Center as a bartender on gamenights, and he said, "Well, for that, you're getting a Hurricanes foam finger." (Oh my God. This sounds so, so stupid as I am typing it.) Didn't really think any more of it, until the next time we work together, and he says, "I just wanted to tell you that you're my Hurricanes good luck charm, because that day you gave me a hard time, they beat the Maple Leafs, but the next game, you didn't give me a hard time, and they lost to the Thrashers. The Thrashers!" So I said, "Well, haha, where's my foam finger?" And he said it was in his truck, and then he said he had to walk around and around before he could find the last open souvenir shop to buy it, and I guess the moral of the story is I'm easy because I just thought it was awesome that he actually got it for me.

Yeah. Awesome.

Ooh, new news: the plane ticket for my trip to Des Moines (via Kansas City) has been purchased. I WILL FINALLY GET TO MEET THE LEFFER.