love is a burning thing
This was originally written about a week and a half before I went to Seattle:

So I was talking to my lesbian lady lover (ha! Google hit!) Sarah last night. We have the same conversation repeatedly, actually several conversations that we just re-visit over and over because we have no resolution, or something, but anyway, it was the one where I talk about HWMNBN and then she talks about the Leffer. And I said to her, "The thing that I really want to know, and that I probably never will know for sure, is why HWMNBN and I never had a chance at a functional relationship. Was it because he decided he didn't want a relationship with me, or was it just bad timing?" Now, he has told me that he wanted me after he'd freaked out about the whole thing, for lack of a better term, but he was, you know, freaking out, and there were all those extenuating circumstances. But, because I like to overanalyze these things, I wonder: did he just want me as a piece of ass? Or did he want me? Or did he never want me but he was being nice and letting me down easy? It's not like knowing the answer to the original question (why we never even had a chance) would make me feel good. I mean, either I was just a piece of ass, which no one likes to hear, or we could have had something but we missed it because of...timing. So, yeah, neither option is good. But I really want to know.

And then today I was thinking, really, I just want to know the answers to all this stuff. Like, do I ever get to meet the right man? Do I ever get the right job? What gives? It's the limbo part that sucks, and what sucks about that is that the limbo part is...life.

Okay. Well. That was fun.

Do you note, perhaps, a certain similarity in my feelings? I think that what TLB did, not being honest and saying he wanted to be friends and basically just disappearing, was about the worst thing he could've done (not quite the worst, but almost), BECAUSE THAT WAS THE SAME DAMN THING THAT HWMNBN HAD DONE. Funny (funny ironic, not funny ha-ha) is what follows in this entry, which, in case you can't figure it out, is about TLB, sort of a beginning, if you will.

In other news, I was positively charmed the other day when a (single!) co-worker gave me a Carolina Hurricanes foam finger. See, I had been giving him crap about the Hurricanes, because he works over at the RBC Center as a bartender on gamenights, and he said, "Well, for that, you're getting a Hurricanes foam finger." (Oh my God. This sounds so, so stupid as I am typing it.) Didn't really think any more of it, until the next time we work together, and he says, "I just wanted to tell you that you're my Hurricanes good luck charm, because that day you gave me a hard time, they beat the Maple Leafs, but the next game, you didn't give me a hard time, and they lost to the Thrashers. The Thrashers!" So I said, "Well, haha, where's my foam finger?" And he said it was in his truck, and then he said he had to walk around and around before he could find the last open souvenir shop to buy it, and I guess the moral of the story is I'm easy because I just thought it was awesome that he actually got it for me.

Yeah. Awesome.

Ooh, new news: the plane ticket for my trip to Des Moines (via Kansas City) has been purchased. I WILL FINALLY GET TO MEET THE LEFFER.

some of the best times you'll never remember
The new boy: gone. I don't think my heart was really in it, and he was nice and all, but there was just no spark. And I thought maybe it would happen in time, because I've fallen for friends in the past (not that it's worked before, but whatever), but I was thinking way too much about it. And I figured if I had to think that much, then it was a bad sign. And I asked one of the guys at work so I could get a guy's perspective (incidentally, it was one who does NOT know the whole sad story, and one who has not previously given me any sort of relationship advice), and he said you can tell right away if it's something you should pursue, if there's that connection, and if it's not right there, right now, well, then why waste your time? He took it a step further and said if anything ever happened to make him realize he couldn't marry the person, he would stop everything just like that.

Just for kicks, I was reading my now-defunct old blog this evening. So for the time being, instead of posting new entries, I'll just re-post old ones. Actually I see that while the names and faces and locations have changed, the big important things haven't, so I'm not any better off now than I was then. I'll have to keep chalking it up to experience, I guess, and hopefully one day I'll learn.

This is what I miss about my old job:

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 12:49 PM
Subject: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

[information about the people they signed]

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:01 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Wow we just added a ton of star power :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:03 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

I know, right? [Mutual friend] and I are commiserating over the lack of [certain favorite player] on the list.


-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:22 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

So does that mean he is not coming back?


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:28 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

It doesn't mean anything for sure. He hasn't signed anywhere yet (or it hasn't been announced), and of course as you pointed out, he is as old as the hills and may retire to spend time with the missus and the little [family name] boys. I saw that [another person] and his wife, just had their third kid - that is one fertile family.


-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:30 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

HAHAHA...you crack me up. I guess I will have to spend a great deal of time consoling you and [mutual friend] if [certain favorite player] doesn't come back and the fact that we have no [other player who is dumb as a rock but funny]...whatever will you two do? I guess we still have [yet another player] "hey I'm winter" [with a cool nickname].

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:33 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Good ol' Winter. He's married now, too, you know. Maybe [another person] will be single. His [picture] is fairly nice. But certainly, I will need a great deal of consoling. (Not over [dumb-as-rocks player], though he was funny.) I feel sure that [mutual friend] will find a new [favorite] among the players... ;)

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 1:48 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

HAHAHA...I am sure she will. Why can't we ever have a good team? Why do we continually have to suck? I would like to see us win more than 30 games at home. Did you know that they offered me a tryout for the [team]? They saw my cannon of an arm and the fact that I could throw from very shallow center to the pitcher's mound without a bounce. I think I may make the team. My average couldn't be any lower than [former player who was bad]'s. :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:00 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

See, what had happened was that they got you confused with that other Ryan [last name] and they thought you were already under contract with somebody else. Otherwise they would've signed you. I wonder if "[bad player's nickname]" will sign on with anyone.

We have to suck because the [parent club] want to beat us down. They want morale to be low. They will probably sign Barry Bonds to go play at [the Double-A affiliate]. And Michael Jordan will come out of retirement again to play there as well.

-----Original Message-----
From: Ryan
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:02 PM
To: Molly
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

Are you being sarcastic or are they really trying to beat us down? By God we are the crown jewel of minor league baseball. Lets go be affiliated with the 75-time World Champion Cubs (in my mind). I am better than the other Ryan [last name]. He, and the rest of the baseball world, just don't know it yet.

-----Original Message-----
From: Molly
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2005 2:03 PM
To: Ryan
Subject: RE: [THE PARENT CLUB SIGNED SOME PEOPLE]

I was being sarcastic...

don't mention Memphis

 I just have to say, with baseball season upon us (and I am really excited about that, more than I thought I would be), that any mean thoughts I might have regarding anybody who has ever broken my heart do not even come remotely close to the intense hatred I feel for [certain Memphian]. I never had any trouble seeing his red asshole flags waving. I don't wish bad things on most people, except, you know, the occasional sprained ankle on a Duke basketball player, but [Memphian], he deserves so much worse. Karma, you know. I don't know when, but hopefully someday it will bite him in the ass.

Oh happy day: Tom Glavine and Roy Oswalt starting on Opening Day. And the possibilities that are lining up for my trip to Des Moines, the possibilities...

here's to the past, they can kiss my glass

I'll go ahead and admit it, it bothers me that I had absolutely no control over the TLB situation. He's the one who decided it was going to end. He's the one who decided that we weren't going to be friends, that we weren't even going to communicate EVER AGAIN. He's the one who decided not to give me any sort of explanation. I didn't get to decide anything. Also, I don't like losing friends. It's that simple. (Ha. It's anything but simple.)

Yesterday I got a co-worker intervention about my selection of assholes as dating partners, or even just as friends. A group of four co-workers informed me that it was blindingly obvious that TLB was an asshole from the very beginning, and that I should have noticed, how could I be so stupid as to go out with him? But ... I don't see it. We were friends. I enjoyed talking to him. As we were just friends, I wasn't analyzing it in a sort of "hmm, how would we be in a relationship" kind of way, but still, if I had thought that he was an asshole, then I wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place. Even trying the "hindsight is 20/20" thing, I still fail to see it. I see other things, like how he just up and quit the job, which is, you know, not the same as quitting on a relationship but does show a certain lack of commitment, but I don't see the red asshole flags waving. Until the end, that is. I see them then.

Apparently, everyone else saw from the start that he was self-centered and needy and always felt compelled to one-up you. And he didn't take anyone else's feelings into consideration, and OH MY GOD, THE ISSUES. Co-worker #1 said, "Well, I guess I can understand why you didn't see that...love really is blind," but that still doesn't work, because FRIENDS. We started out just as friends, so I wasn't wearing lust blinders. (I was wearing NSG blinders, as it happens, but that just makes it more likely that I would have noticed problems with TLB, doesn't it? I don't know.) Co-worker #2 said, "I mean, we wanted him to be happy, but we just figured if he was going to ruin someone's life, he should do it to someone we don't like."

I am all screwed up. I am trying to write this now so I get it out and I don't fuck up the next one. The next relationship, I mean, not the next guy. I couldn't take responsibility for that if I tried.

Co-worker #3 told me yesterday that he wraps sausage a lot, and it is hard to wrap. That cracked me up.

+++

I finally got tagged.

Four jobs I've have had in my life:
1. media relations coordinator
2. merchandise cast member for Walt Disney World
3. bookseller
4. library page

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Love Actually
2. Bridget Jones’s Diary
3. Fletch
4. Bull Durham 

Four places I have lived:
1. Durham, NC
2. Orlando, FL
3. Houston, TX
4. Memphis, TN

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Grey’s Anatomy 
2. Gilmore Girls
3. The Amazing Race
4. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Switzerland
2. Salt Lake City, UT
3. Erie, PA
4. Amsterdam

Four websites I visit daily:
1. www.myspace.com
2. www.hotmail.com
3. www.chron.com
4. www.google.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. mashed potatoes
2. pasta with tomatoes, basil and garlic
3. Moe’s burritos with salsa verde
4. chocolate

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Texas
2. Colorado
3. out of the country
4. in someone’s arms (ha! haha!)

even when I'm tempted by some stranger
Yesterday, at work, one of my managers (who was in on the "Molly's type" conversation) commented that I hadn't made a move on the new guy yet, and I said he didn't really do anything for me, I mean, he seems nice and he's kind of cute, but...he really doesn't do anything for me, and she said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it's because he's not skeezy enough for you." (I don't know how to spell that word, actually.) A co-worker who was standing next to me at the time said, "And he's not an asshole!"

I am starting to get a little bit upset by this whole running commentary on my taste in men. I realize that I bring it on myself by talking about them, but still. There happened to be two guys who I was sort of attracted to, at work, and I went out with one of them, and, you know, it ended quite badly, actually, but it didn't affect anything at work, because he wasn't working there anymore by then (which had nothing to do with me, thank you), and I'm never going to go out with the other one, but he is my friend and I do enjoy talking to him, and hanging out with him, and the continuous badmouthing of both of these guys is starting to wear on me. (That is a really long sentence.) Maybe I have crappy judgement when it comes to men, I don't know. I still don't think they are skeezy guys, or that they're bad guys. I think one of them has acted really shitty towards me, but I suppose he has some reason for that, one that could perhaps be valid, although since I don't know what it is I can't comment, and I don't think he's actually an asshole, even though it is fun to say he is right now, in a sort of cathartic way. (And I might be allowed to say it, as I am the only one directly affected by this, but no one else is allowed to! And they say it, and I end up defending him.) And the other one might be a self-proclaimed asshole, but I think he's a pretty good guy, too. So enough already, okay? It really doesn't help my state of mind if you say that friends (or former friends, as it were) of mine are bad people. That just insults me, not them, since they're not around to hear it, and I am there to hear you tell me that I suck at choosing friends, or lovers, as the case may be. To quote Bridget Jones: "...You really needn't bother. I already feel like an idiot most of the time anyway."

I went to the hockey game Wednesday night. I debated wearing my jersey but couldn't in the end. The Hurricanes lost, and I couldn't decide if that was a bad thing or not. The Capitals scored a really nice shorthanded goal, and their goalie stopped almost everything that got shot at him, and really the 'Canes just got their asses kicked. And of the 15,547 other people there, did I really need to see that person who I happened to see? I don't think so. (Ha! I am resuming my cryptic ways!)

give me a good reason why

In my high school psychology class, we learned about the five stages of death and dying, postulated on by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. These later were expanded to the five stages of loss, of losing a loved one. Handy acronym to remember them by for the AP Exam: DABDA. This stands for

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Which is all fine and good and interesting, except I think I skip around. Denial is a good first one: Well, he's kind of ... avoiding me, and there was that porno sitting on the floor by the DVD player, which seems like a bad sign... But then I sort of move into a depressed half-acceptance, half-denial/delusional phase: Okay, he doesn't want to be with me right now, but maybe one day he will. This is followed by a period of depression, and then some bargaining. Perhaps we could still be friends. We were friends, once, and there's no reason we couldn't be again (except that he's incapable of acting like a rational adult, but, hey, details!). Followed by some more bargaining. Okay, if he doesn't want me, that's fine. You can't control who you fall for, fall in love with, whatever, I get that. I don't see why we can't be friends, but if we can't do that, then fine. But can't we maybe be civil? In the company of mutual friends? And if not, then could I at least maybe get an explanation of what I did wrong, so I can avoid that in my next relationship? This, finally, is followed by a short period of intense depression and a longer period of barely suppressed blinding fiery rage. [See: Monday's entry.] Then I get to a point where I can accept it.

I mean, I realize it's just me, and I'm clearly an idiot (clearly), but this is a pattern that I have seen several times over. It varies in intensity, but the steps are the same. And they're not DABDA! They're something unintelligible and not cute and easy to remember.

I ... I think I need to go read some more self-help books. This too shall pass. Hopefully by Friday. Do you think it's bad to have a first date on April Fools Day? I'm just wondering.

the heart won't lie
It sleeted yesterday. In central North Carolina. On March 25th, which, incidentally, was Tom Glavine’s 40th birthday. Tom Glavine was my first baseball crush, 15 years ago. That means he was as old then as I am now, and that freaks me out a little bit. I got a job rejection letter the other day. The rejection was not unexpected, but the letter was...because I interviewed for that job in December, and they told me they planned to decide on a hire in about a week. So, uh, thanks for letting me know you didn't pick me, there, guys. I like to hold out hope for longer than I should in my personal life, but it would be entirely too stressful if I did that in my job search as well. I didn't even want that job after I had the interview, anyway. About that holding out hope thing. Yeah. I used to have this problem, wherein I’d be driving home from work, past this bar I knew NSG frequented, and I'd see his car, and I’d wonder what exactly he was doing in there, and who he was doing it with, and if he was going to go home with her. I didn’t consciously want to do it, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. And it bothered me that I would wonder these things, because he wasn’t mine to care about. He was single. He could do whatever he wanted. It wasn’t like I could be upset about it, or not trust him, because we were friends, but that’s it. He should have been going out (and/or home) with women, whatever made him happy. But I didn’t want him to do that, because no matter how much I told myself it was hopeless, I was still holding out hope. I really, sincerely wanted him to be happy, and that made it even more fun. Of course it was the classic “I want him to be happy, but what I really want is for him to be happy with me, and why aren’t I enough?” but that’s beside the point. I thought I was doing better about my current situation, you know, aside from hoping that TLB was doing well – which is stupid of me but fairly benign, I think – but then there was Friday night. Suffice it to say, I am not doing better. And there's more! A new boy has unexpectedly entered into the mix, but I don’t know what to do about him. Not to pull a TLB myself, but I can’t be in a relationship right now. I can’t. I am still hung up on him. I need to figure out my life. But at the same time, I have to get out there; I can’t put my life on hold indefinitely, so what am I supposed to do? I would say sure, I could do the “casual dating” thing, but can I? TLB and I were supposed to be doing casual, and that didn’t work out so well. What if I say I’m okay with dating, as long as we keep it casual, but something else happens? What if there’s a connection, and it clicks, and then suddenly I’m on the air mattress at his apartment and he’s warning me that he snores, and then two months later I decide that, whoa, we’re moving entirely too fast, and why the fuck is he keeping a toothbrush at my apartment, oh my God, I can never see him again? What then? I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself, and I need to just take things as they come, but it's very hard for me to do so, at least right now. 

I kinda went numb just around about the time you told me...
One of the things I really dislike is unsolicited advice. I received some tonight, and it was fairly good advice, if I look at it objectively, and it was meant with the best of intentions, but I hate it. I didn't ask for it, and I don't want it. (Naturally I didn't say anything. It was with the best of intentions, after all, and as far as picking battles go, that wasn't one I wanted to fight, and I really dislike confrontation, but still.) This goes for personal advice as well as professional advice.

Now, if I ask you for advice and you tell me what you think and I don't like it, well, that's different. I can respect that we have differing opinions, and I'll probably still do what I want, regardless (yes, I am stubborn), but I wanted you to tell me what you thought, and I do take it into account. And sometimes, I even take people's advice when I ask for it. But if I don't ask for it? Please, just don't.

This actually flows nicely (okay, maybe that's too strong a phrase...this actually is a tenuous segue) into my next topic, which involves my favorite TV show, since I have no life. Ha. Most recent Grey's Anatomy. Alex gives George a big fat lecture on how he needs to get over Meredith. (Of course he was saying it because he's in a similar situation and he feels powerless, but that's beside the point.) This is never a good thing to say to someone. I know, because I don't get over things, and people really like to toss that advice out there. Seriously, though. Oh, gee, why didn't I think of that? I should just get over it! Imagine! Yeah, see, it's not that easy.

This is also similar to the statement people like to make to me: "Oh, you have a degree in journalism? Why don't you just get a job in that field?" HEY! Why didn't I think of that? Oh, wait, I did think of that. It's not that easy.

Apparently for some people, it actually is, but I have only ever met one of those people, so it could be a fluke. Or, like, the exception that proves the rule. Also, I hate these people.

till I see it in your eyes
Lately, since I have given up on TLB (I mean on trying to be his friend, or communicate with him. I haven’t given up on him; that would be too easy), I keep thinking about him at random times, you know, like: I hope he did something fun for St. Patrick’s Day, I hope he went out and didn’t have to work. And then I think, wait, why do I want him to be happy? Why can’t I hate him? He hurt me. I don’t want to care about him, but I do. I do want him to be happy; after all, we were friends first and we probably could still be, if he wanted to make the effort – which he doesn’t, not that I’m upset about that, but whatever – and we used to be, you know, fairly close. It doesn’t do me any good if he’s not happy, anyway. But at the same time, if I didn’t care, or if I could just be pissed off and hate him, then I could let go a lot easier. It irritates me that I have this problem. And not for the first time.

I could quote old journal entries, but suffice it to say: I REALLY JUST NEVER LEARN. I guess the silver lining here, if I look real hard for one, is that this allows me to do what it says in that popular quote (I don’t know who said it though) and love like I’ve never been hurt.

…

Never did get any green beer for St. Paddy’s Day. Got a green fruity-flavored alcoholic beverage, then a Killians (Irish Red, you know), then a green Jell-O shot. So all in all, not a bad evening, and the Tar Heels won.

…

So, my “type” of guy… What had happened was, a couple of weeks ago, one of my managers, in the midst of my crying fit/meltdown at work, said to another manager, to try to lighten up the situation, “Well, we know Molly won’t leave as long as Brooks is here,” Brooks being the only eye candy left at that place. The second manager was shocked by this, as apparently she was the only one in the store who had not realized my enjoyment of this eye candy, which began, oh, I don’t know, four months ago. Then her eyes got big as she turned to look at me and said, “I get it now! You like the tall skinny bearded ones who are cocky and brooding!” (Brooks: “I don’t brood! And I’m not cocky. I’m an asshole, but I’m not cocky.”) Sure I think Brooks is nice to look at, and it helps that we are friends, but I could never actually be with him, even if he weren’t married, and, okay, yes, that describes TLB, but I still wouldn’t have called it my type. It was just sort of coincidental.

Until I found that first link I posted in the last entry. Which was what made Memphis okay. Except that eye candy didn’t have a beard at the time, but now I see the goatee, and it occurs to me that he is now tall, skinny, bearded, cocky and brooding. So … yeah. Heh. Maybe I do have a type.

…

As I heard “Like We Never Loved at All” for the 67th time over the last four days this afternoon driving home from my retail therapy session at the outlets – which had worked rather nicely until I got in the car and heard the Tar Heels LOSE TO FUCKING GEORGE MASON – I started thinking that it sort of fits, and then I started thinking that it was just too much to have another sad Tim and Faith song that makes me think about a guy.

…

Finally, the tax situation: I owe the government money, and I am not well pleased.

life gets away from us all
I realized today that I have lied to you. It was unintentional, but still, I apologize. The last movie I saw in the theater was actually Tristan and Isolde, which I liked rather a lot, and made me cry and cry, but I ... forgot about that. Also, I dated this Indian guy in high school and I forgot about him, too. Heh. But our "relationship" was very, very lame. We "went out" for three weeks and never even got to first base.

I had this dream last night in which one of my teeth broke off, and also, I developed a gap between my two front teeth, one that I could push on and make smaller or bigger. It was disturbing. When I looked in my handy dream dictionary (it was a gift! shut up!), it said: "Teeth are symbols of aggression, of your ability to cut through or bite through tough or confusing situations. Losing your teeth indicates you feel like you're losing power or your grasp on a situation." But...that would mean I'd have to have power, or a grasp on a situation. Which I don't! Ha! Haha!