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Tue 06/03/2003
should've all worked out but it didn't
The Orioles are in town.
 
NSG: Do you think I look like Scott Erickson? 
M: <makes a face> No. 
NSG: Come on, a little? 
M: No. 
NSG: I look a little like Scott Erickson. I’m old; I can say that. … I think my ex-wife and Tim are the only people who care that the Orioles are in town. Should I call her up, see if she wants to come to the game? See if she wants tickets? ... I think she’s got a new man. I was driving by the other night to see the dogs, and there was someone there. But I don’t care about her. I just care about the dogs. ... That’s not true. ... I’d just like to see the dogs again before they die. Or before I move to Nashville. ... When are you moving back to North Carolina? 
M: I don’t know. When I can’t take it anymore. 
NSG: I might go with you, so just let me know. ... What’s your favorite city in North Carolina? Besides Chapel Hill.

"NSG had a fender-bender today," [Roommate] says. "And he’s having a bad day." He was on his way to a lunch date and got hit. And the cop came over to him, and he thought he was going to get cited for not signaling or something, but instead the cop told him that the guy who hit him said NSG had cut him off. NSG said he didn’t think he did; he thought he was in the right lane, but the cop and the other guy said he wasn’t. NSG says he didn’t get a ticket and shrugs, because he doesn’t remember cutting the guy off, but he seems to accept that he did.
NSG: At least I wasn’t drinking. 
M: Don’t do that. 
NSG: That could happen...at noon. 
 
NSG: Some guy called me the other day, and I had to listen to this, and it was this guy complaining about how they were referring to the Golden Sombrero. He said it was racist, since there’s no way they would ever call it the Golden Afro. 
M: Is there one for if you strike out five times? 
NSG: No. ... The Golden Afro.
 
Meanwhile, [starting pitcher] is giving up three runs in the fourth inning. NSG decides to pull out his [manager] impression, which is bang-on and funny as hell.
NSG: You know he’s sitting in the dugout doing this right now. <He does that thing that [manager] does where he angles his head and sticks out his lip. I laugh and laugh and laugh.> You liked that, huh? 
M: <still can’t stop laughing> Yeah...that was good. 
NSG: I know him. ... He called me today and asked for the hitters for the Tampa Bay series. He wanted to know where they are. And I said, "They’re down there. They’re in the clubhouse with everything else." And he said, "Oh, okay, but are you sure? The Tampa Bay hitters?" And I kept thinking he was talking about Baltimore, and he even said it again, and then I finally realized, and I said – because he always takes things one day at a time; he doesn’t like to look ahead – I said, "Skipper, I’m trying to take it one game at a time." Oh, he laughed.
 
NSG checks his email on [Friend]’s computer and starts playing footsie with me. I look over at him; he grins without taking his eyes off the screen. 
NSG: I almost met the Dixie Chicks. On Saturday. They were in the dugout meeting Sammy. That game, that was the best game I’ve ever been to, in person. Can I just hit you really hard? [My niece] asks me that. 
M: Do you let her? 
NSG: God no! She’d hurt me. She’d pummel me. Are you kidding? 
Brad Ausmus comes to the plate. 
NSG: How can you make $5 million and be THAT bad? 
M: He’s not really THAT bad, is he? 
NSG: <yelling> .198, Molly! He’s hitting .198! 
M: <shrugs> 
NSG: Women have it easier. It’s easier for them. 
M: Why do you think that? 
NSG: I don’t. I was just trying to bother you. 
 
NSG: <rummaging around in his bag> We’ve got to think about this. 
M: <doesn’t respond...I figured he’d keep going, and I didn’t know if I was supposed to respond, anyway> 
NSG: "What do we have to think about, NSG?" Well, Molly, we have to figure out when I’m gonna take you to dinner. 
M: Okay... When are you gonna take me to dinner? 
NSG: <looks at the schedule> How about June 16th? 
M: It’d have to be late. I’m flying in at like 7:30. 
NSG: <makes a face> Okay, then. ... How about the 26th? 
M: That’s fine. 
NSG: Okay, good. 
 
The game ends. Astros win. NSG packs up his stuff and rushes back to the office. But before he leaves, he says, "Thanks Molly. ... I love you. ... But you already knew that I love you." 

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sun 05/25/2003
life's a journey, not a destination
So yesterday, NSG says, "Oh, the ‘I’m attracted to you – what should we do about it?’ conversation ... it’s been a while since we’ve had one of those." Does this ... mean anything? That night, I dream that he’s hugging me, like sweeping me off my feet, taking my breath away, all those things – literally – and he won’t let go. 

I made muffins for today's game.  

He checks his email at [Friend]’s computer and asks me if I look at porn.
M: No.
W: What do you do that’s bad?
M: What do you consider bad?
But he doesn’t answer.
 
Later, he looks at me and says, "I'll kill you." I ask what happened, and he says, "I'm just bitter today," and then he looks at [New Guy]. 

After the game, I tell him to have fun in St. Louis. He says, "I will. And Chicago. I’m going to Chicago, too. ... Thanks for doing the computer – I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know."

As he’s getting ready to leave, putting on his suit jacket, [New Guy] says, "Hey, have a muffin." NSG looks back at the muffins. "Hm...Molly’s muffins..." he says. He looks at me, then the muffins, then back at me. "I’ve had too many of Molly’s muffins, if you know what I mean." 


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sat 05/24/2003
no rush though I need your touch
We are at the ballpark for a 5k the team is hosting. NSG mentions that I was the first person he ever hired. Ever. In his life. I smile and tell him I still can’t believe the first person he ever hired was a Tar Heel. “That’s very good,” he says, grabbing at my arm that way he does that makes me want to flex so my arms don’t appear so flabby. He hugs me. 
NSG: Will you come work for us?
M: If you hire me.
NSG: I can’t hire you. I mean tonight. … I tried to hire you, and I couldn’t, and I’m not worrying about it anymore. The next person who hires you will be … not me.
M: <looks out at the ballpark and almost starts crying> I know.

He sees a girl stretching in a compromising position. I know what he’s thinking, but of course I’m not going to say anything. “You know I love you,” he says, “but there are just some things I need [Trainer] for. We don’t even have to talk. Sometimes, on the road, we’ll just look at each other.” We get back to the office. 
NSG: It’s good that [Roommate]'s not here, because she would’ve worked this, and then she would’ve worked all day, too. Can you go get me a Coke? From [the executive] cooler, you know where that is? You can get one, too. Do you drink Coke? You don’t drink Coke.
M: I do. 
NSG: If you see anyone, just tell them it’s for a meeting. Tell them you’re having a business meeting.
M: <getting up to go get the Cokes> They’ll know.
 
I come back. I look at his bobblehead collection. "Don’t touch my bobbleheads," he says. He asks if I’m working upstairs tonight, which I am. “Thanks a lot,” he says, sarcastic. I sigh. “It’s just that everything runs so smoothly when you’re there,” he says, and then promptly ruins the moment: 
NSG: Bitch.
M: ... Wow.
NSG: Did that hurt your feelings?
M: It always does.
NSG: <makes a face> You’re full of crap. When was the last time you took anything I said seriously?
M: I never take you seriously. But that doesn’t mean that sometimes... <shrugs>
NSG: So, let’s talk about [Roommate]. How’s she doing?
M: She’s okay. It’s good that she got away. She was gonna have another meltdown. She’s just all about work.
NSG: I know. 
M: And she won’t ask for help.
NSG: Yeah! She won’t ask for help. 
M: Which is because she can do everything, so she’d rather just do it herself.
NSG: That’s a good point.
M: And if someone else does it, she has to fix it.
NSG: That’s a good point.
M: But some things, she could ask for help with. Like hotel packets.
NSG: I did those the other day! So what does she want to do?
M: I think she wants to stick it out until the All-Star Game.
NSG: That’s a long time.
M: I know, but I think she wants to wait until that, and then I don’t know if she’ll stay any longer. 
NSG: What happens then?
M: You know, she wants to go back [home], have a job where she can have a life, raise a couple kids...
NSG: <makes a face> I just worry about her, because I don’t want her to end up like...mmm...me. Did you like that? "Mmm...me."
M: Mm-hmm.
NSG: Would she stay here if she was a boss?
M: <considers> I don’t think that would change her decision, if she’d made up her mind.
NSG: What’s going on with her and [Crush]? Anything?
M: <shrugs> Nothing.
NSG: Why not? Whose fault is it?
M: Both. She tried, she invited him places, and nothing happened. They had a good time, but he didn’t make a move. I mean, if he wanted to make a move, he could’ve, but he’s not, so I guess maybe he’s not interested. I told her she should just propose, since all these soldiers are coming back from war, and their girlfriends are proposing, and he was at war, but...she wasn’t interested.
NSG: <laughs and gives me a fist bump> So have they discussed it?
M: I don’t think so. I don’t think they’ve ever had that conversation – "You know, I’m attracted to you..."
NSG: Are they scared of what the other one thinks?
M: I think so. I mean, that’s a hard conversation to have. Sometimes it’s better if you don’t know.
NSG: Youth is so wasted. ... The "we’re attracted to each other; what should we do about it" conversation...it’s been a while since we had one...
M: Mmm. <Do you want to have one? Because we could...>
NSG: So let me ask you a question. ... What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night, and [AP baseball writer] was in your bed?
M: First of all, that would never happen. And...why?
NSG: <smirks> He’s just, everything I hate about working with the media, working in media relations, he’s it.
M: I don’t know why you always have to do that – "Do you find [AP baseball writer] attractive?"
NSG: <laughs, really laughs, gives me a fist bump> That’s disgusting. That’s truly disgusting.   


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Tue 05/06/2003
if I had just one moment at your expense
[New Guy]: NSG is always sweating.
M: Well, he's a hot man.
N: What?
M: He's a hot man.
N: "He's a hot man." <shakes his head> You have to ask NSG about his long night. He called [coworker] at 2 a.m. from some bar.
M: <rolls eyes, but asks, dutifully> What did you do last night, NSG?
He doesn’t hear.
M: <to New Guy> What happened?
N: <smug> You have to ask him – I know what happened.
M: Did he score?
N: <considers> I don’t know. … Hey, NSG, did you score last night?
W: <turns around, blinks, nonchalant> Yes.
M: <stunned> Oh.
N: Oh. … <mutters, to me> I wasn’t expecting that. <to NSG> Molly wanted to know.
NSG: Yeah, why? I only made one mistake.
M: <dissolves into fits of relieved laughter>
NSG: What?
M: [New Guy] said, "You have to ask NSG about his long night… He called [coworker] at 2 a.m." And I said, "Did he score?" …
NSG: Oh, that. You mean... No, never that.
N: <grins> That’s what I was expecting to hear.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sun 05/04/2003
nothing's gonna save me, I can see it in your eyes
After the game, I got held up waiting for the tapes. I had to wait at Union Station then stopped back by the press box on the way out.
NSG: What’s up? 
M: Nothing. What’s up with you? 
NSG: Nothing. I had to get mad today, and I don’t like that. I’m a little bit upset right now. I shouldn’t have to take crap about opening the clubhouse. 
M: What happened? 
NSG: Well, now I make it a habit: when the game ends, I check my watch, and then 10 minutes later I open the clubhouse. Today, I was about to open it, and Lance came up to Jimy and asked if they could talk, so they had a meeting, but the game ended at 3:38, and I opened the clubhouse at 3:48. And someone from astros.com didn’t like it. She said, ‘Couldn’t you have told us there was going to be a delay?’ And that pissed me off. 
M: I can tell. 
NSG: I was like, it was 10 minutes. And I told her that. I went over and said, ‘I don’t appreciate that; I waited 10 minutes, and that’s all. And I don’t appreciate that. It’s uncalled for.’ I was proud that I confronted her, though. Usually, I’d just sit and stew. … Women – sometimes I just want to kill you. I don’t like mean NSG. 
M: Me neither. 
NSG: Was I ever mean to you? I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at you. 
M: You made me cry once. 
MSG: What?? Because of work? It wasn’t because of work.
M: Yes it was. 
NSG: What was it? 
M: I don’t know. It was a while ago. 
NSG: I never got mad at you. I never yelled at you. You were too good. What was it? Are you sure it was about work? 
M: Yes. It was two years ago. There wasn’t anything else for it to be about. 
NSG: What was it? Was I giving you crap about Carolina? 
M: No, I don’t care about that. 
NSG: Notes? Stats? I didn’t say anything. What was it? I don’t remember an altercation. 
M: It wasn’t an altercation. You said something, and then you walked away, so you wouldn’t have known… [that I cried]. I think it was about doing TV stats. 
NSG: Oh, you didn’t want to do them? 
M: No, and I think… 
NSG: And I gave you crap. 
M: Mm-hmm. 
NSG: And you cried? 
M: Yeah. 
NSG: Really? That’s pretty funny. 
M: Well, I’m glad you think so. 
NSG: Is [New Guy] coming to the party tonight? 
M: I don’t know. … I didn’t ask him. 
NSG: I didn’t either. I don’t know. I mean, he’s trying, but I just, I didn’t want to ask anybody, so… All right, what are we doing here? <He starts to gather up his stuff.> You’re in my way here; you’re cramping me. 
M: I can just leave. 
NSG: No… There was this girl here, she was from Chicago, she was doing a story on somebody, and she was talking to me and I kept going, ‘Okay, you’re hot, but you’re a close talker.’ That never used to bother me, but it just bothered me today. She was just there. I almost went, ‘Okay, hold on, let me get the expert to see if you’re really a close talker.’ 
M: Did [Roommate] tell you she’s having dinner with her friend [Crush]? 
NSG: Really? Ooh, somebody’s gonna get spanked! 
M: <laughs> 
NSG: Was that bad? …I don’t really feel like drinking a lot. <He stands up, with his Palm.> Okay, [Reliever] with the win… Tony… Tony? <laughs> [Other reliever] with the loss. [Closer] with his sixth save… 
M: <makes a face, using tongue, because he lisped a little> 
NSG: <eyes popping> What was that? What were you doing? 
M: <laughing> You said ‘thixth’ – you kind of lithped. It was funny. 
NSG: Sixth save… sixth save… that’s hard to say. … All right, what are we doing here? Where are you going? Are you leaving? 
M: Well, I could just walk with you. 
NSG: Oh, Molly Molly. What am I going to do with you? 
M: I don’t know. 
NSG: Molly Molly Molly Molly. <He does this all the time. All the time. Argh. He grins.> So, do you want to go hot synch? 
M: What? 
NSG: I could show you my stats package. <We walk to his office.> Molly Minors. I’m gonna start calling you that. Molly Minors. Have you ever known a Molly Minors? 
M: No. How many Mollys have you known? 
NSG: Biblically? One. 
M: <laughs> 
NSG: <laughing> You walked right into that one. 
M: No, that was funny. 
NSG: Okay, Molly Darnofall, let’s hot synch. <He hooks up his Palm. I look at his bobbleheads.> What are you doing over there? Don’t touch my bobbleheads. 
M: <sits down> 
NSG: Molly, my God... <he’s staring at my chest> 
M: What? <I pull my shirt taut, again, but of course it doesn’t stay, because I’m not sitting up straight.> 
NSG: You’re just, you’re… <He goes back to his computer. I relax. But then he looks up again.> Molly, I cannot have a conversation with you like that. 
M: Oh, come on. Just don’t look. 
NSG: Molly, I’m a man. "Don’t look..." Jiminy Christmas! ... It’s ... I ... 
M: <hugs his World Series coffee table book> Well, what do you want me to do? 
NSG: Get a shirt that fits. 
M: It does fit. Just not in that one spot. 
NSG: Well, that one spot is… That’s like me walking around like… <He stands up, pulls his shirt out, and stops just short of cupping himself> 
M: I could have a conversation with you if you were like that. 
NSG: If my fly was just open? <shakes his head> You’re just, you’re full of shit. 

But really, I don’t see what the problem is. If his fly’s open, and I can see his boxers – ooh! Oh NO! That’s no big thing. And all I was showing off was my bra, anyway. So there. He finishes hot synching.
 
We all go out that night. [Friend] hugs me, and then I go sit at the table, where the waiter brings me a wildly potent blue margarita. B comes down to the end of the table to talk to me. She asks about [Roommate]. I tell her about [Crush], but end with the fact that [Roommate] doesn’t tell me everything because I gave her a hard time about [Crush] last summer. “But there are some things you don’t tell her, either…” B says. I say that I can’t tell [Roommate] because she doesn’t ever want to hear it if I hook up with [New Guy], so I can’t imagine how she’d feel about me hooking up with NSG. “We have a special bond,” B says. 
 
Then NSG and [his future hookup, K] decide we need to go see a movie. We go to see Raising Victor Vargas at River Oaks. As the previews are playing, NSG and K have a heated discussion because he called her some name and she didn’t like it. She said something like, “What haven’t you called me this week?” and played it off, but then she said that one thing he said bothered her. He kept saying, “It was funny. I had just gotten back from 20 games on the road, and it was funny. I didn’t mean anything. I didn’t mean it.” And she kept saying, “But don’t you see it from my point of view? I didn’t appreciate that.” And they kept going back and forth. It was stressful. And yet -- why does he do this to people he presumably cares about? After the movie, NSG pats me on the head – pats me on the head? what? – and smiles. Then he starts to walk away, looks back, and says, “Bye Mollster.” 


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Thu 08/15/2002
you can't stop the feeling, there is no reason
A bunch of us went out to celebrate B's last day. I told her I was having dinner with NSG tomorrow.

B: I know. He told me. He said you were supposed to do it last night but then he went and saw Default. You weren’t interested or something.
M: He never asked me! I so would have gone.
B: Me too! I love them.
M: But of course I wasn’t going to ask him.
B: Yeah. I didn’t want to be that girl. But he told me y’all are going out tomorrow. He’s very open about it.
M: See, but I don’t know if [Roommate] knows or if I’m supposed to say anything. <She didn’t know.> Because you, you’re different. Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told you the whole thing, but he wouldn’t tell [Roommate].
B: Yeah, um, he did.
M: Right, so—
B: Did you hear what I just said? He told me.
M: I heard you. What... how... what did he say?
B: Do you know when he told me? It was at the beach party. He was like, "We just have so much fun together, and I don’t know..." Then he goes, "Wow! I feel better now." [Well, at least that makes one of us.]
M: What were you talking about? How did you get on that subject?
B: He just brought it up. He said, "Okay, this is really random, but—" and then he told me. He said after your internship ended, you’d gone out a few times, and you had fun, and then one night you just stayed together all night. And it was great and you had fun, and things weren’t weird. He didn’t go into details, though.
M: What did you say?
B: I didn’t say anything at first. He was like, "You’re not saying anything... are you surprised? Does that surprise you? Is that weird?" But of course I already knew. I just said, "You know what? Nothing surprises me anymore, about anyone." Which is true.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Wed 07/24/2002
some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end
I go over to the ballpark to have lunch with my friend, B, who works there. Somehow I end up telling her this whole sad saga, without names. She says that I need to sit down and talk to the guy, just have a long talk with him. Then she goes, “You know, if I was 32, or if NSG was 10 years younger, I would be all over him.” Ha! Ha? Oh fuck.  

Since I am at the ballpark anyway, I go see NSG, and ask him if I can have a personal conversation with him.
NSG: Personal or professional?
M: Personal.
NSG: Okay. Shut the door.
M: You want to do it here? Now?
NSG: Uh-huh. Is this going to be one of those conversations where it takes four hours? Because I only have 20 minutes, and my patience...
NSG: I know, you don’t have any patience. I know.
W: That’s right. ... Okay. I’m listening.
M: All right. There was... there’s... I think you know that I wanted you for a while now, and I probably could’ve gotten over it, but then things happened, and now... I guess, I just, I feel like we used to have this connection...
NSG: We had quite a connection.
M: Heh. ... And it’s not there right now, it’s like we’re almost there but we’re not. And I don’t like it.
NSG: Well, it’s not ever going to be the same.
M: Yeah, but it’s just like ... I mean, it happened, and it was okay, but now it’s not, and I don’t know... The other night, [Roommate] was telling me about the beach party this weekend, and she said did I know about it, and I said well, I’d heard about it, but I didn’t really know anything. And she said, well, I could come if I wanted, because NSG is bringing a date. And I thought, wow, I really can’t handle seeing that. 
NSG: <looks slightly exasperated, resigned, even> Well, I’m sorry about that. My personal life... it shouldn’t... But that’s my fault, I guess, I tell everybody... I mean, that, it... I don’t know what to tell you. What exactly are you asking me here?
M: I guess... I just... It feels like that, you know, I was just convenient when you needed someone, and ... where do we stand right now? 
NSG: We’re friends, who hooked up ... twice. 
M: So, basically, I should just forget anything ever happened and move on? Because I tend to hold on to things for too long...
NSG: Yeah you do. Not that you should forget anything ever happened...
M: But that’s what we act like. It happened, and we talked about it, and then it was like nothing ever happened, and nobody knows.
NSG: Well, I don’t tell anybody that sort of thing. I could go home and do that every night. I mean, I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it. But this is why people say they regret hooking up, because then you have to have conversations like this. ... Look, I’ll change my behavior if you want me to, I’ll go different places, whatever you want, if that’ll help.
M: No, I don’t want you to do that.  
NSG: I think you knew what I was going to say before I said anything.
M: No, I didn’t. I can’t read you.
NSG: I am not stable right now. Basically the only thing I’ve got going for me is work, and if I didn’t have that, I’d be a nutbag. And it’s not fair to you, or to anyone, to try to have something like a relationship, because I’m not ready for that. That might change tomorrow. I don’t know. 
M: So, I mean, I should just move on?
NSG: You probably should move on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m sorry, I mean, I feel like I need to apologize to you, I feel like I should.
M: No, you shouldn’t, you don’t need to do that.
NSG: Thank you for telling me that. ... This is not a conversation that I need to have right now. This is not the time or the place. I am not ready to do this right now.
M: I know. But you said...
NSG: I know. Thanks a lot for ruining my day. At least you’re talking. Do you feel better, now that you’ve talked? 
M: Uh, no, not really.
NSG: Thanks. Thanks for that.
M: Well, I mean, you didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, I’m not going to feel better.
NSG: We can continue this later, if you want.
M: Yeah, I do want to, even though I don’t think it’ll get us anywhere.
NSG: I really did not need to have this conversation today.
M: See, this is why I don’t tell you anything. You get frustrated if I don’t tell you, but then you get upset if I do.
 
Annnnd then I almost started crying, so we finish talking and I walk out. B looks up at me and goes, “So, you just had a really long and serious conversation with NSG there.” I said, “Uh-huh. You wanna walk me out?” Her eyes get all big; she walks me out.
B: Oh my God, it was NSG, wasn’t it? That’s who it was.
M: I’m not saying anything. I’m not.
B: I never would’ve guessed! 
M: Yeah, you would’ve, right after you guessed [Friend]. <She did, at lunch.>
B: Oh my God. <She hugs me.>
M: Come on, I said I’d do him.
B: I know, I should’ve known!

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Sun 07/07/2002
well, you do what you do and you pay for your sins

My period was two weeks late. Oddly I wasn't that worried about it. We'd been safe -- mostly -- and we were both kind of freaking out without adding any extra drama. So I didn't take a test or anything, and I didn't mention it. And then it resolved itself. Looking back I have no idea why I didn't take a test. Denial? Honestly, pregnancy would have been a disaster. I would have told you, at that time, that there's no way he would have asked me to end it but ... I don't know, he might have.

(In the following 20 years I have never been more than two or three days late except when I've been pregnant. So.)

For being professional communicators, NSG and I did not communicate all that well. The first time we hooked up, he was worried it would ruin the friendship, but it didn't, because I didn't think he had any feelings. I knew we had this chemistry, it had been there from the very beginning, but obviously neither one of us was going to act on it. Although I decidedly did develop feelings. And then there we were, and he was going through stuff, and things happened, but it was fine. Except then he said, several times, several different ways, over the course of several months, that there was more to it. So then, I thought it meant something more and when we hooked up again, I expected more. And he never intended for there to be more, regardless of any feelings. And his way of dealing with everything was to go out and talk to any woman that he could, and to date them. And to solidly friend zone me. I got to hear about every woman he went out and met at the bars. He gave me tickets to a show...and then took them back because he got a hot date. That's ... kind of a shitty thing to do. And I didn't know how to handle any of that, so I handled it badly. Also I didn't feel like I could talk to him about it, and he got frustrated, and I got frustrated, and ... it all didn't go well. 

I don't know if he ever really knew what he meant to me. He at one point said he hadn't used me, that he'd understand if I said I had used him. And I was blown away that he thought that because I hadn't used him. At all. He said he didn't mean it like that, but I'm not sure how else you interpret it. And also I'm pretty sure he did use me because with the way it played out -- what else would I have been but a rebound? He didn't want a relationship. He wanted to move on from his ex. Put the past behind him. And there I was, and I wanted him, and we had this connection, this chemistry. I don't necessarily think he intended it to be that way, but I can't help but think that's what it was, in the end.

A couple of months after all this went down, I told him it would be easier if I hated him, and he got really upset. But he didn't want there to be anything between us, just friends, and I never could quite get over it.  


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Tue 06/11/2002
somehow you remain locked so deep inside
I back up, under the bridge, so we can't see the ballpark.
 
NSG: Come on over here [to the passenger seat].
M: <climbing over> It's hard. 
NSG: Well, yeah, it is, kind of. 
 
+++

NSG: What are you thinking?
M: Hmmm… the car…
NSG: What about the car?
M: We’re in the car. Doing this. In the car.
NSG: You’ve never done it in the car?
M: Uh. No. 
NSG: What do you think?
M: I could do it again.
NSG: Yeah? I should make you follow me [home].
M: Okay.
NSG: What’re you gonna tell [Roommate]? Will she worry?
M: I don’t know. I mean, she’s asleep right now. She’ll worry in the morning.
NSG: Why? Have you ever not come home before?
M: No. Where else would I be?
NSG: I don’t know. Okay, look, can you just drive? Just put on your shirt and panties or something.
M: I don’t know where they are…
NSG: <opens the door> I left my bag out here. Look, I’ve still got all my clothes. I think I have all your clothes, too. 

+++
 
NSG: Heh. You’ll have to tell your husband [about this]. And when he asks you how much older the oldest guy you’ve slept with was… 
M: You’re so romantic.
NSG: Hah! I’ve never been romantic. Or I forgot how.

He plants his hand on my upper thigh, like extreme upper thigh, where it will rest all the way home. Could I want him more? Down the road, he says, “Molly, you’ve got to start telling me no.” 
 
And then that song by Lonestar, “Not A Day Goes By,” comes on. NSG gets excited, turns up the volume. I like this song, but please not that sentiment, not right now. Why couldn’t it have been “I’m Movin’ On”? We pull into his driveway, and he’s still singing along. He can’t find his keys at first, but eventually he opens the door. “I hope you don’t expect furniture. Because there’s not any.” He’s bitter.
 
We go inside. “It still smells like a new house, isn’t that funny?”

+++
 
It starts to get light, and I'm just lying there, watching the sun come up through the back window of his living room. 

NSG: You’re wide awake, aren’t you?
M: Yeah, pretty much.
NSG: Did you sleep at all?
M: Not really. Some.
NSG: There’s gonna be some good emails now.
M: I don’t know…
NSG: I said there’s gonna be some good emails now.
M: I know, but I don’t know if there will be. I don’t really know that there’s much to say. <HAHAHAAAAAAA oh if only this were true.>
NSG: <chuckles, looks at the clock> What time is it? 7:15? We’re fine. You think [Roommate]'s worried about you?
M: Uh, yeah, probably.

He rolls over, pulls his clothes on, gets up. “I don’t have anything to eat or drink in this house.” 

NSG: Let me just look at this… <surveys the stacks of papers on his counter> This is my life, right here. ... How are you doing? I’m kind of freaked out.
M: What do you mean, freaked out, why are you freaked out?
NSG: Just freaked out. Actually, I’m beyond freaked out. You’re in shock, aren’t you?

We go out to the car. “You could’ve gotten my paper, but you didn’t,” he says, as it was under the rear wheel. 
NSG: I can honestly say that that was a first for me. 
M: Really? 
NSG: Yeah, like that, in the fourth-largest city in the country with people all around. I wonder if there was a video camera out there.
 
+++
 
NSG: So where are you gonna drop me off?
M: I don’t know. Where do you want me to drop you off?
NSG: That was supposed to get a laugh out of you.
M: I smiled. 
NSG: I should make you drop me off in front of everybody.
M: Well, I don’t care. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with it. I mean, how do you think people would react?
NSG: I wouldn’t want to be in the control room.
M: What do you mean?
NSG: They would give you a lot of crap. Do you have to work tonight?
M: Yeah.
NSG: That’s rough.
M: You do, too.
NSG: Yeah but I’m old. 
 
He has me drop him off out front. He's worried because there are people there, but it isn’t anybody we know. He says thanks for the ride, leaves the bag that his newspaper came in as a souvenir, and gets out: “Email me later.”

Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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Mon 06/10/2002
seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
The team was back after a long road trip. The stadium had been re-named. I am feeling slightly giddy. I say to [Roommate]: “You know how Diane Sawyer said she just wanted to forget the first pitch and jump on Brad [Ausmus] when she was here? I’m feeling like that.”
 
NSG says he is going across the street, to Home Plate. [Roommate] says maybe I should go hang out with them because I'm bouncing off walls. And she has a headache and is going home to watch the World Cup. So off I go to Home Plate. NSG sees me when I walk in and gestures to the guy sitting next to him. “This guy is the Dook mascot. She’s a Tar Heel. The only Tar Heel I’ll ever hire.” I say, “I still don’t know why you hired me.” He says, “Well, you were hot.”
 
[Relief pitcher] comes over and buys a round. By the end of the evening there are five of us left: me, NSG, and three other guys from the grounds crew/clubhouse. And I’m tired, and I would leave, but I don’t feel like moving. And one of the other guys keeps saying he’ll walk me to my car, but I’d really prefer to wait for NSG, who is complaining loudly about the now-departed Dook mascot. “I still defend them,” says NSG, “and I shouldn’t.” He talks about the lesbians he encountered in a bar in Arizona. K makes a rude gesture, and I make a face. B says, “K, we have a lady here.” NSG looks over, grabs me and pulls me to him, and says, “Nah, Molly’s been around the block.” He laughs.
 
It seems as if we might actually have a conversation; he says, “Okay, I’m coming over there,” and sits down beside me. I’m wearing a skirt tonight, and I've got my legs crossed, and the crossed one hits his leg. He says, “Okay, you’re rubbing my leg there.” I say, “Sorry,” and move. “Well, you can do it,” he says, “just take your shoe off first.” I don’t. But then he starts rubbing my knee. And then he starts going up my thigh. All the while continuing conversations with B and K. I am having trouble breathing normally. Whenever someone walks by, he stops, but it's not like he's really hiding anything. And then he goes for it all and sticks his hand right between my legs. In the bar! In front of people! This goes on for a few minutes, and then it’s time to leave. 

K gives me this unbelievably cheesy “thanks-for-coming” speech as NSG and B walk out. B asks NSG where he’s parked. NSG says, “I’m just gonna walk Molly to her car, and then I’m parked over in the building.”
 
He asks if it’s hard to walk in my shoes, which were my tall shoes this time. I say, “No, do I really look uncomfortable in them?” He shrugs, smiles slightly, and says, “You look hot in them.”
 
We get to the car; he walks around to the passenger side and arranges himself there with his bag shoved in between his legs. 
 
NSG: Let’s just sit here a minute. Why is your light on? Is it gonna go off?
M: Yeah, it should.
Then it does and he leans over and starts kissing me. I laugh. You would think I would be able to stop that impulse by now.
NSG: Why are you laughing? Why did you laugh?
M: Because it surprised me… that was so abrupt.
NSG: Yeah… You can always tell me to stop.
M: But I don’t want you to stop.
NSG: You should. … Okay, back up under the bridge.
M: Why?
NSG: So we don’t get caught. And I don’t want to see the ballpark.


Posted by Molly at 12:01 AM EDT
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