having so much to say

Haha! Did you see how funny I am? I said I would tell you all about my camping trip last Monday. And here it is, one week later. My internet access has been spotty, at best, and, well, I have been working a lot, and I know there is no excuse, but it's true! I have lots of astute observations on the state of my life, which you do not want to hear, but which I will tell you about anyway, LATER.

For now, in its first-draft/rough form: The Great Camping Trip of 2006.

the promise of you, it sleeps in the air

I am pretty sure that my new job and I are not a match. Part of my job, the part where I actually get to do cool stuff like web design and writing, and editing, that'll work. But the other part, the "administrative" part? Yeah, not so much. I will hate it, and I will resent it, and it will stress me out. And I will try to think positively about it (well, as much as I can), but there's only so much I can do. And I can't change my personality; there are some tasks that I am always and forever going to hate, and these are the tasks that I am going to be forced to spend half my time doing.

Aside from all that, there is the environment. It is so corporate, and SO, SO serious. Everyone there, they care so much, they're so passionate about it, and I. Just. Don't. Care. What the company does, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. (Assuming I had my dream job, in baseball, now that wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things either, but the beauty of it is that everybody knows it and people don't delude themselves into thinking they are saving the world or some shit like that.) But everybody there is so stressed out, and ALL THE FUCKING DETAILS, OH MY GOD, and I can't help but be stressed out, too. And I do not want to be stressed, especially for something that I am decidedly not passionate about. I don't know.

Anyway. You know how when you start to like somebody, and then they look at you, with a little grin, or they touch you, and they've touched you before, but it's different, somehow, and you think, hmm, maybe something is going to happen, and your heart speeds up and you get a little jolt in the pit of your stomach? (Or whatever feeling you get. That's what happens to me.) This should not still be happening five years and change after you started liking somebody, particularly when that somebody is a person who you have not really seen on a regular basis in three years, and who does not like you like that, and who says he wants to be your friend, but his definition of "friend" is obviously quite different than yours. And yet. It still does. I don't really get it, it's not like I still want him, even, but it's there. I am blaming it on the trashy romance novel I am currently reading. Which is making me think about memorable ... er ... encounters that I've had, the two most memorable being the very first and the most recent, although in between I probably got the best, but ... okay, that's enough. Not really what I had planned when I started this.

Orchid watch: hasn't bloomed yet, but it's almost there. It makes me really happy, which I guess just goes to show you that it can be the simple things in life. Or, that I haven't gotten a decent amount of sleep in months.

I need to figure out how to be happy.

Lo these many months ago, I posted an entry in which I explained my theory that if I could get one aspect of my life on track, then I would be happy. And then I got one aspect of my life on track, and I was happy. For, like, a day, and then it went off track again, but that's beside the point, which is that even though I thought my theory had been proved right (small sample size notwithstanding), I was wrong. Because, see, now I have again got an aspect of my life on track, only this time, it's my "career" that I've got on track, not my personal life, and I am not happy. On the contrary, in fact. I don't seem to be able to stop myself from crying.

I don't do well with getting jobs. It depresses me. The only time getting a job didn't depress me was when I got the internship with the Astros. After that, I got an internship offer from Rice, and I cried, and cried, and cried, and HWMNBN helplessly laughed at me because he didn't know what to do because I was so depressed, and it didn't really make sense. (So he made an off-color Bill Clinton joke.) After that, I got a "real" job, and, you know, it was good to get a job, because I needed the money, but was I happy? No. It was a mind-numbingly boring job that a monkey could have done, and I knew it. Following that, I got the job in Memphis, and I cried, and cried, and cried in the Memphis airport after I told them I would take it. Now, this actually was because it was Memphis, which as far as cities go, SUCKS DONKEY BALLS, and also because I really liked Houston, and I didn't want to leave, but I kind of had to, because by that point, HWMNBN had left, and I wasn't going to get over it, and I wasn't getting anywhere in Houston. The job in Memphis was one that I wanted, so that was a little bit different, but the end result was the same: I got a job offer, and I was depressed. When I moved back to Durham and got the evil, horrible retail job, it was not a particularly happy thing. Again with the: yay! money!, but the job? Not so much. (The money not so much, either, as it turned out.) And that brings us to now, when I have received a job offer. Two of the people who interviewed me told me that I shouldn't take the job just because it was a "real" job, that if I didn't like it, I didn't need to take it, I could keep doing what I had been doing over there, which would be more marketing and less support crap, and I laughed inside, hollowly, because my career idealism is gone, and I just need the damn money, and since I hate the job I have now, what would be the harm in getting another job I hate? I didn't think I would hate it, just that I wouldn't like it, but in the two weeks since I have officially accepted the job offer, I have been incredibly depressed. I feel trapped, like now I will be stuck here, because I can't leave a real job, with a decent salary and good benefits, unless I have another comparable one to go to, but, my God, I have got to get out of here. Out of this town, out of this state, out of my life, whatever. So I feel trapped, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are going to be parts of this job that I will hate with a passion, because I know my personality, and that's just the way it is. (Self-fulfilling prophecy, my ass. Shut up.) And I don't care about the things that I should care about to do this job. I mean, I will do it, because I have to, but not because I want to, so that's not really ideal. The problem being that I don't know what I want to do. If you ask me what my ideal job is, I could tell you, but I don't know if it exists. I would happily accept less, but similar, but I can't get those jobs, God knows I have been trying for a year now, give or take a few months when I was happy with my personal life and therefore overall or when I was working 60-some hours a week and didn't have time to do job searchy things.

So, in sum, I don't know what to do. I will be upping the job search, looking for something that I want to do, although to be honest with you, I don't like to work. I don't have a problem doing nothing. I am not one of those people who needs a career. What I need is ... well, we don't need to talk about that, actually. But what I need, I don't have, so this is a problem.

In (most likely) unrelated news, I had a dream last night that TLB wrote me a letter, stating that while his best friend liked to have relationships, he really just wanted to date a lot of people, and in fact, he had been dating a girl named Olivia (I think) for the last six weeks, and that meant it was time to stop seeing her. And he just wanted to let me know. I don't know why I dreamed that. Maybe to inform me that I have commitment issues over jobs (so I guess I can see why people would have commitment issues over relationships) but that was already obvious to me. I also do not for the life of me understand why I am still thinking about TLB. He does not want anything to do with me, ever, and while I don't like it, I do see it. (The way that sentence would flow better would be to say that while I don't like it, I do get it, but I don't "get" it, because I still want to know why. I want to know what I did wrong and why he can't stand the sight of me.) And I want to know why I think of him in certain situations, or places, or whatever, when I probably don't cross his mind. And I had that moment of blissful happiness in Iowa, and I have a new crush, and I still think of TLB. Dammit. 

And this entry was much, much better in my head. Sorry. I am stunned to report that my orchid is about to bloom again, so I will have some pictures of that soonish, probably.

the stars at night are big and bright
Today, I got a real job. [Cue fireworks.]

Though it doesn't officially start until July 24, and though I won't see an official paycheck until two weeks after that, I decided to go on a shopping spree to (1)celebrate and (2)buy professional-looking clothes. And because I decided to actually spend money, there was nothing to buy. NOTHING. I got a sweater that will come in handy in, oh, say, three or four months, and a matching pair of panties. (Hee! Not like they were paired up. They just happened to match.)

I am happy about this (the job, I mean, although of course the sweater and matching panties are great), but I probably should be happier.

I am very happy about Tom Glavine's presence at the All-Star Game, even if he won't be pitching. Love him.

'cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream would never do
Last night (or maybe it was the night before...I'm not quite sure), I dreamed that I was pregnant with the child of one of my exes. Imagine my dismay when I then discovered that I had the name of another ex prominently tattooed on my ass. And while staring into the mirror, I thought, "Oh, God, now everyone will know." As I was not really thinking about either ex, I really have no idea why I dreamed this. Here is what it says about tattoos in the online dream dictionary that I googled:

To dream that you have tattoos, signifies that some urgent and difficult business will call you away from your home for an extended period of time. It may also signal a new stage in your life.

Here is what it says about pregnancy:

To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

So, I still have no idea what that means. My subconscious does not seem to remember that I do not like ambiguity; I need to know things.

I saw the Stanley Cup on Friday, at the Durham Bulls game. Since I am a big dork, I thought it was really cool, and even passed up a girls night out at the sex toy store to go. (Although it turns out they didn't go and we are going to go later. The Bulls were playing the Richmond Braves, and Dax Norris is STILL playing in the Atlanta organization. And Kevin Witt got a triple, which is sort of astounding, actually, but the Bulls lost anyway. They kind of suck. I can't get into them.)

And, there were post-game fireworks:

and I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
(almost) 105 not-so-interesting facts about me
because what else am I going to do? sleep?

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?
no, but I would like one, one day.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
not long enough...or too long, hmm.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
I dunno. cash, I think.

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
yes. this is a stupid question. who hasn't dropped a cell phone?

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
um?

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
shoes. food.

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
two chocolate chip cookies. homemade, even.

8. FIRST THING(s) YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
wrist. okay, not really. usually. eyes, I guess, but really, first impressions are the whole package. (heh...package).

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
"wide open spaces," dixie chicks.

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
morrisville.

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
c.e. jordan.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
verizon.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
I always go to j crew but then I don't usually find anything to buy. maybe the gap?

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?:
no.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
no. I've only ever done that a couple of times. I have issues about bothering people, see.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU WENT TO?
I bet it was Kristen's and that was a while ago.

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
Nancy.

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
end of may, in chicago.

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
taco bell.

21. FAVORITE ANIMAL:
well, I now own a cat. but in the abstract, I'd have to go with penguin.

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
I don't care. there was this great place in memphis (dare I admit) called zoe's. in general, I suppose my favorite restaurant is the macaroni grill. I don't know.

24. CAN YOU COOK?
yeah, but I usually don't.

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
a ford escort.

26. BEST KISSER:
I think I gotta go with TBFB. there was something about his lips.

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
about a week ago, when I watched "tristan and isolde," which also made me cry when I saw it in the theatre.

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
MUSHROOMS.

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
my self-deprecating wit and sarcastic cynicism.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
I second-guess everything.

31. LONGEST WORK SHIFT?
well I worked 16 hours today but that was over two jobs. in baseball you work really really long hours, especially if they play extra innings. one time in memphis they played extra innings and it rained.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
"love actually."

34. CAN YOU SING?
oh no. not at all.

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
no clue. jimmy buffett? rem?

36. LAST KISS?
heh. TBFB.

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
I made my brother rent "the family stone" a couple of weeks ago. I just yesterday bought "underworld."

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
keys.

39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT:
the beach, I suppose. although the best vacation I ever went on was to europe, and any baseball vacation is cool.

40-42... I have this theory that random questions disappear from surveys because that particular question was too embarrasing for somebody answering the survey. Why not just make up your own questions? like... well... hmmmm... i guess it's not as easy as it looks.

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
laptop.

44. Favorite comedian?
I don't really have a favorite comedian. sorry!

45. DO YOU SMOKE?
hell no. it is vile and disgusting and I don't understand why people do it. this has always been something of a sore subject for me, as both my grandmothers died as a direct result of smoking.

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
I prefer without.

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
no one. sad clown!

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
you know, they can for some people. I could probably do it, I think, but I wouldn't want to. I'd move.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
I plead the fifth.

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
french toast. with cinnamon bread.

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
if it's flavored and sweetened until it's unrecognizable as coffee, then yes. :)

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
sunny side up.

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
no but I still read my horoscope on a fairly regular basis.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
Nancy.

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
...Nancy.

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
four, although two are mostly decorative.

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
pajama pants. that's it and that's all.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
"that one last shot's a permanent vacation/ and how high can you fly with broken wings?" (aerosmith).

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?
raspberry.

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
sort of. I mean, I know the angle I need to hit it at, it just doesn't always work out.

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
I passed the swim test at Carolina.

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM
chocolate.

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
not really, no. we don't get along.

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
sometimes I live in the past too much.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
you know, I am still waiting to hear about Brooks' pirate party.

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON:
fall. maybe.

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
sometime tonight.

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
like 6, but that was too early so I dozed until 6:45, at which time I had to get up, and that SUCKED.

72. BEST THINGS ABOUT WINTER?
sitting around a fire and hot drinks.

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET:
never, and I'm knocking on wood right this very second.

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
yeah, no, we don't need to go there.

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?
eh.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
working, and probably going to a movie, and I think some of us are planning a trip to the sex toy shop.

78. BIRTHDATE:
4/23/1980

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
happy.

80-84... you know, you can't call it a 105 question survey when there are 10 questions missing.

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
yes.

87. ARE YOU SMILING?
no.

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
I miss several someones right now, and I wish I didn't miss some of them. but some, it's okay.

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
well I want to visit london, and ireland, and paris, and italy, and australia, and ... you get the idea.

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
no, and I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. well, okay, I would if you paid me, but it would have to be a lot. you know that movie "never been kissed"? yeah.

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
not exactly.

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
actually I really like the name "siobhan" but lots of people would have issues with pronunciation, because lots of people are stupid. and I must of course add that as far as hockey names go, I adore "brendan shanahan" and also "rod brind'amour." also "the finnish flash" but that's a nickname.

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
well, when I was attending school, it did.

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
no. I did at the end of april, and the end of may, and I'm going someplace at the end of this month.

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
no. the idea freaks me out a little.

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?
no.

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
no.

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
not actively. there are people that I was previously in love with who I will always be a little bit in love with. well, one in particular, but possibly a second.

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
yes. but not since I was really really little.

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
oh yeah. three people. y'all can probably guess who they are, but maybe not.

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
I keep my ring, my earrings, and my belly button ring on all the time.

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
go to sleep. alone.

for giving up all that you got to tell I love you lies
Recently I have been on a little shopping spree. I just haven't been able to help myself. So far, I've bought two bras (Vicky's Secret semi-annual clearance), a nifty neato outfit consisting of a shirt and a skirt (big sale at the Gap), two pairs of shoes, one of the "fuck-me" variety, which made me think of HWMNBN, which made me have to text message him to inform him of said purchase. (Also in there: two movie tickets and part of a pair of shoes for Nancy, who could not live without them before she departed for Charleston.) I thought I had managed to stop there, but then tonight I bought a DVD. I have to stop soon, though, as it is the start of the month, and this means rent is due.

Evidence that I am a dork: There is a frosted mini-wheats commercial that I keep seeing in which there is a spelling bee, and the little girl is supposed to spell aardvark, and she starts with "a-r" and then the little mini-wheat square stops her, and she gets it right, making the point that if you eat breakfast, you'll be smarter, but the thing is, anyone who has ever participated in a spelling bee (or watched one, since ESPN now televises them) knows that once you say a letter, you can't start over, so once she said "a-r" she'd be done. This commercial, then, IRRITATES ME TO NO END.

I have this unsettling feeling that something is about to happen. I don't know if it's good or bad.

The 4th of July makes me sad. Sarah didn't understand why -- she said it's not like I lost my virginity on that day (like she did, but then I didn't lose my virginity to a Major Leaguer, either, so that sort of evens out). In point of fact, I don't know why. It makes me reflective, and then I get sad, or something. I remember last year, how I had to call HWMNBN, not that he answered. And the year before, I was in the visitors dugout in Memphis, and I was sad then, too. Hmm.

Since I was sad, I had to make chocolate chip cookies, and it occurs to me that the Toll House recipe is very nearly perfect, because you can make it with a minimum of utensils, namely the 1/4-cup measure and a teaspoon. Or if you memorize the recipe, you can just sort of guesstimate. (Not that I have memorized the recipe or anything, oh no, not me.)

Newest google search to deposit someone at my site: "why doesn't Rod Brind'Amour grow a playoff beard?" That is funny.

if you're not in it for love
I have a problem. (Surprise!) The problem is this. I used to be all idealistic. I used to think: "I will never work at a job I don't love. Life is too short for that." This was all fine and good, and not a bad philosophy. In theory. In practice, I got a job I loved, only it was an internship and it didn't last. So I tried something else, something that I thought maybe I would love just as much, and I didn't. And I quit. Idealistic, remember? This was followed by a period of four months during which I was unemployed. It was kind of awesome. I don't actually like working. I like being lazy. However, this does not bring in any money, which, as it happens, is sort of necessary. So then I got a job, which I decidedly did not love, in order to pay the bills. It kind of sucked, but it was kind of okay, because it was really boring and did not require me to engage or to put forth any effort. I probably should have stayed there, but my idealistic tendencies reared their ugly heads again, and off I went to follow my dream to Memphis. Which ended badly. So then I got this dead-end job which sucks, and -- bonus! -- the pay sucks even more. I got a second job, one with possibilities. Recently I have been talking to people about these possibilities, and they keep telling me, essentially, to remain idealistic and not to settle. To not take a job just because it was a "real job" and to find something that would make me happy. And it makes me want to laugh. I am kind of over that now. The past year at my sucky dead-end job has killed my idealism. I don't care anymore. Sure, I still want a job I love, but does that exist? I don't care anymore if I don't have that. (I'm used to it.) I want a job that's okay, that doesn't consume me, and that I can leave after I put in my time. And one that can support me. I think that it is some sort of priority shift. Maybe my biological clock is ticking. (Ha.)

This all hit home last week, when what once would have been my dream job opened up. I didn't apply. If you asked me why not, I would say it was because I didn't have time. This is true enough, but obviously I could have made time if it had been that important to me. (I was going to apply yesterday but then I did laundry and went grocery shopping after work instead, and then when I got around to looking at it today, the job was no longer posted.) But I have been disappointed so much (by that organization) that I couldn't face the thought of applying and getting turned down again. And I couldn't convince myself that I wanted it enough. That it would actually be a job I loved. That I wanted to go back to that, that I wanted to work with those people and deal with their issues, and deal with all the stuff that would be required to pack up and move back there and leave my friends here. Frankly, the thought of all that just exhausted me.

But at the same time, it's a little disturbing. I don't know what it is that I do want. I keep crossing things off that list, but it's not exactly helping. I don't know where I want to go. I know it's not here, but since I don't know anyplace else to go, here I am. So I guess my problem is that I miss my idealistic self, the self that knew what she wanted and went for it, and believed in happy endings.

In other news, my dislike for Rafael Nadal and his man-pris is forcing me to root for Andre Agassi (and his little mincing steps) in this here Wimbledon match, and this not only displeases me (I always liked Pete Sampras better) but also forces me to root for someone who is going to lose now that I finally got in his corner.

And: Happy Canada Day!

just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
So, I saw the ex yesterday. It was really sort of odd, because I recognized his wrist. Also, it was sort of ironic because of an event that had occurred earlier in the day, which I initially told you about but have since decided you don't need to know. Except it was about getting closure.

Once I got done with work, I went over to the mall that is the root of all evil in the world to talk to Nancy, because actually I wanted to get the key to her apartment so I could go do some free laundry, and then I ended up staying and talking to people, and I was standing out front talking to two of my co-workers, one of whom was Norah, who I adore, and I glance over toward the Pottery Barn Kids, and there he is, just ambling along, carrying a Banana Republic bag. And I mention that I've just seen him, and Norah turns right around, although by that time he had turned the corner. So she marched over to the spot and made a fairly obvious production of looking for him, but she didn't see anyone, so she came back, muttering that I was lying to her, to see if I could make her go over there, WHICH I WAS NOT, NORAH, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, and then he came back around the corner. (Norah: "Oh.") So he walked by, and I couldn't do anything more than look at him out of the corner of my eye (I mean, if he's still playing the "I don't see you" game, well, two can play, or maybe he didn't see me, I don't know, it's not like I tried to get his attention) and I was thinking he looked skinnier than I remembered, and that was that. So, uh, yay for closure there.

she should be here now but she isn't
Lisa suggested I name the cat "Brind'Amour." I rather liked that -- as you know, I am enamored of the name -- but it seems kind of heavy for a cat. So I think "Oreo" will remain the moniker of choice, but Stanley could be a decent middle name, even if it is a girl cat, you know?

And then I found a vet who talked hockey with me 10 minutes after I met her, so that was that.

Thinking about Houston often makes me bitter, because the job I should have gotten went to someone else, and also, nepotism is alive and well, and then the person who got the job I was supposed to have left, and then the intern got her old job, and of course now that I am out of the loop and out of the state, I wouldn't have even had a chance. Which sucks and makes me bitter. (Not that it takes much...heh.) I mean, not like I want that job anymore, anyway.