it matters to me

I Need A Little More Bliss
So I have this other blog, one I kept from June 2003 up until now, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it. There's a lot of...intense stuff in it, mostly about my angst over one guy (for entirely too long), but also about that time I got fired because the company I was working for hired a new manager and he couldn't stand the fact that I didn't kiss his ass and agree with everything that came out of his mouth. This is because he was often wrong, and the fact is, I told him that I would do what he said, because he was the boss, but I wasn't going to smile and say I thought it was a good idea if I didn't think so. I wasn't aware that with the new management, I suddenly had to become a brown-noser. But I digress. I'm still a little bitter.

Anyway, after I, er, *left*, my intern (who later got my old job, which I don't really feel he deserved, but maybe he did, and anyway, he never did anything bad to me so more power to him, I guess) inherited my computer, which I had used to write in my blog. Naturally, I assume, he was curious and visited the website. Then lots of people from that godforsaken city visited my website, and some of them kept coming back, and after a while, I realized I was censoring myself because I really didn't want them to know some of the shit I was dealing with. I could write about how bad it had been and how much of an asshole a certain ex-manager of mine is, hoping that they were reading it, not that they would care, but I didn't want to write about how much life sucked, because, well, I wanted them all to see that I had succeeded in spite of them. I have not yet succeeded.

I'm working on it, though, and writing is good for the soul. (Or something like that. I have a journalism degree; I need to write something, even if it is bad stream-of-consciousness nonsense.) Also I finally -- finally! -- managed to get over the guy who caused me all the angst (found a new one!), so I'm thinking maybe start fresh? But I don't know. There are a lot of good entries on that old blog, too, and good memories along with the bad, so ... yeah. It's online but hidden right now. We'll see.

Also, all my blog entries use country music lyrics as their titles, which is something I started doing in the aforementioned blog. I'm kind of a dork.

without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life

down at the lonely grill, got nothin' but time to kill

I have finally made a true, lifelong friend in Memphis. She is the graphic design intern. She applied for the media relations internship, mostly so she could tell me what I was doing wrong, but I didn't hire her. (Ha!) So she hated me before even meeting me, but then her boss set us up on a movie date, and the rest is history. 

She actually watched the UNC national championship game with me, in my apartment living room, and jumped up and down with me in front of my tiny TV when the Tar Heels won, even though she is an Iowa Hawkeye. 

So, we are hanging out again the next night, drinking and talking about unrequited lust and love. Then we get to talking about "the Leffer" as we call her favorite (Iowa) PR guy, and I say he has a head like an alien, but he had a nice voice, and who am I to judge on liking anyone anyway? She says I shouldn't talk about his weirdly shaped head, and to get back at me, she picks up my phone like she's going to call NSG. I don't stop her. He doesn't answer. She leaves a message, something like, "NSG...so that's your name. I just found this number on a napkin, in my purse, and I thought I'd call it to see who it was. Anyway, my name's Sarah, and I'd love to hear back from you if you want to call me."

I drink some more and try to decide if I want him to call her back or not. The "yes because I want to hear his voice" is winning when he calls back at midnight. He doesn't know how she could have gotten his number. He doesn't remember giving it out on a napkin. He keeps saying, "This is so weird!" Sarah says that she was recently in California and Arizona with a friend. He says, "Peoria? Were you in Peoria? I was in Peoria." She says she thinks so, yeah, they went to a Padres game. He says it has to be Duffy's then, because that's the only place he met girls -- and he gave his number to a couple of girls who wanted tickets, but that's it. Sarah says that it might have been that -- she'll have to ask her friend -- because she remembers they went to the Fox and Hound.

NSG says, "This is so weird!" He says he was out with some colleagues when she left the message. She asks if one of them might have put his number in her purse. He says he doesn't know. Then he says he recently got a job with [his new team] and he's just got into town and he's actually living in a hotel right now. She says she wondered what he did because his voicemail message says "you have the reached the voice mail of my personal cell phone," so she wondered if it was weird. He says that's sort of an inside joke with his nieces and nephews and so there's a story behind it. (Didn't know that.) He asks what she looks like. She says she's hot -- and does he usually give out his number to girls he can't remember? He says no. She asks what he looks like. He says, "I don't know." Ha. She makes fun of him. He says, "So you're from Iowa?" I don't remember her telling him that, and I am afraid he's figured it out, but she says she lives in the Twin Cities, just doing temp work, but she's from Des Moines originally. He asks what time it is, which is midnight, and then says he's called too late, but she says he didn't. Then he says he is actually going to go to bed, and "this is so weird!"

As soon as she hangs up, Sarah says, "Oh my God, I understand now. His voice is SO HOT!" Yeah, I know. 

waving blue and white in glory, the score will tell the story

I am medicine and I am poison, I can help you up or make you fall

I realize I have done a lot of stupid things. I certainly did not intend to go to Martin and tell NSG about TM. But he just can read me. He knows things. Also, alcohol.

Anyway. I thought we'd had a nice time. Of course I wanted to end up in bed with NSG pledging his undying love and affection, but ... I wore underwear. I didn't think anything was going to actually happen. But I thought it had been a good day. I was really happy I got to see NSG again, and the conversation was great.

The next day, I get the worst email of my life. (But no worries -- he'll send one that's even worse in December!) I have, of course, saved it, but 18 years later I'm not over it so I'm not going to look at it to quote it.

NSG is concerned. He just wants me to be careful. He says that even though I said it was just physical, that I could be more invested than I think, and I could be hurt worse than I can imagine.

If it wasn't so soul-crushing, this would be laughable, because, yes, I was attracted to TM. There was something there. But it is nothing -- NOTHING -- in comparison to what I feel for NSG, and how much he has hurt me. TM, while totally unsuitable, was also entirely safe because I *wasn't* going to fall in love with him. I knew it, and he knew it, and I wasn't going to let myself get hurt like that again.

This is compounded by the fact that I know NSG is trying to look out for me. He has the best of intentions, and ... it is the worst thing he could possibly say to me. He also throws in, just for kicks, that he'd like to stop rehashing our hookup every damn time, because it was so long ago, and we know we aren't going back there, and he's over it.

Unfortunately, I respond to this email. I tell him that I am not invested in TM. That I have not been invested in anyone since him AND LOOK HOW THAT FUCKING TURNED OUT. I tell him that I don't think I can get over it, over him, I've tried, and I'm sorry, but we just can't go back.

Eventually we exchange emails and he says something like he hopes I have a good rest of my weekend. I don't.

For the next 18+ years I will wonder about that conversation in Martin, and if it ruined my life. I feel like he judged me really harshly for TM, and that's not really fair, because ultimately I only even fooled around with TM because I was lonely and trying to get over NSG, not that it worked. And we never even sealed the deal. And he hooked up with K! So, really, what does it matter?

livin' on the edge, you can't help yourself from falling

and you can't keep the tar heels down

NSG emails me:
Actually watched your Tar Heels the other day just for your sake. Well, they were on in the place where I was studying, but I thought of you. Damn, they're good. Scary. This might be Little Dean's year. 

Take care and good luck Wednesday (that's the [Duke] game right?). Like the Holes will need it. 

I reply:
Did you get a lot of studying done while watching the Tar Heels? I can't get anything done while I am watching them. The pressure must be getting to everyone in the ACC, what with [Little Dean] running a 103-degree temperature and Coach K fainting during time outs. 

I think you should come visit me. We could make it into a bet, like, if Carolina beats Dook and I win the bet, then you have to come visit me. And if Dook wins the game and you win the bet, then you get to come visit me. Something like that.

when I heard that old familiar music start

Europe, Day 11: Vienna (The End)

Today’s big-ticket item was the Schonbrunn Palace and Gardens, a UNESCO World Heritage Site! (I had no idea at the time, and still don’t really know what that entails.) This is simultaneously a tourist attraction and one of those places that all the little schoolchildren go to every year. In a nod to the season, there was a small Christmas Market set up around the perimeter of the grounds at the main entrance.

We took the tour, which was not guided but rather an audio tour. It was interesting, I’m sure, but I don’t really remember anything about it. I have just read the Wikipedia entry on the Schonbrunn Palace and it didn’t even strike a memory chord.

I do, however, remember the gardens. Since it was winter, they obviously were not in full bloom, but it was a nice day when we were there, so it was still fun to explore. There was a duck pond and fountains and statues all around. The highlight of the garden exploration was the crazy squirrel that kept darting around, like he didn’t want to be near us but couldn’t figure out how to get away. We tried and mostly failed to document this on film. (This was my best squirrel story until this year at Niagara Falls, which I will have to tell you about later, like once I finish this godforsaken travelogue.)

After the Schonbrunn, we walked around some other official buildings in Vienna and toured the opera house. We lunched at the Rosenberger Restaurant. I don’t know how Lisa heard of it, but she did, and so we went. It was cafeteria style and pretty good. There is apparently a whole chain of these that are strategically located along the autobahn.

After lunch, it was time for the other “must-do” on my list: sachertorte! We made our way to the Hotel Sacher, where we had to check our coats before we were seated. We ordered our sachertortes, with which I had a cappuccino and Lisa a hot chocolate. It was … okay. The presentation was first-rate, the cappuccino was good, and the torte ... was a bit on the dry side, if you ask me. It is very difficult to get good chocolate cake in a restaurant, and I guess this proves true even if it is a famous sort of dessert.

We were meeting Catrin and Joseph for dinner, but we still had some time before that, so we went shoe shopping. (Of course we did.) I found a pair of loafers with ridiculously high heels that make my ankles cry out in pain, but they were so cute! And only 10 euros! I had to buy them, as a souvenir if nothing else. Lisa debated for a long time over a pair of boots that was on sale, but I don’t think it was as great a sale as my 10-euro bargain. I am not sure if she ended up buying them or not.

We then headed toward our meeting place, which perhaps was Karlsplatz, as that was the location of the Vienna Christmas Market. On the way, lo and behold: Starbucks! It was the first one we’d seen. Lisa took my picture outside the store, but we didn’t go inside and get anything.

Catrin and Joseph took us to Figlmuller, which bills itself on its napkins (one of which I saved) as “the most famous schnitzel in Vienna.” I’m not sure what I ordered, so let’s just say I had the schnitzel. Afterward, we hit the Christmas Market and had roasted chestnuts (Catrin’s favorite) as we walked.

Then it was back to Eva’s apartment for our last night in Europe. (Sad clown.)

The next day, Joseph took us to the Vienna airport and had a farewell coffee with us, as we had plenty of time before our flight to Amsterdam. From there, it was on to Houston, where Jimmy picked us up and informed us that the cat had been sick. (That’s my lasting memory. We had just returned from Europe with all its exciting sights, and Jimmy told us his cat was sick.) I spent the night at the old apartment in Houston (oh the memories) and then it was back to Memphis the following day. I showed all my pictures to my boss and he said, “Why would you ever want to leave Memphis and go overseas to vacation?”