We've agree to meet, today, in Martin. I am ecstatic about getting to see him, but also really nervous, because of course I am.
"It’s interesting – we’re both early," he says.
He is wearing a blue sweatshirt (he looks good in blue) and jeans. He hasn’t shaved in probably three or four days, so he's got the stubble that glints red that I love. As soon as he opens his car door, I think, "Oh SHIT, I STILL want him." I mean, I knew I did, and that vibe was still there at the airport, in Memphis, but I know he doesn't want anything like that, and I am forever hoping I'll see him and think, Oh there's my friend NSG, good to see him, let's move on. Alas.
"You look good," he says, hugging me. Aww. I must look a little shell-shocked, because he’s laughing at me. "So this is Martin. ... Well, what did you expect?"
I ask if we can re-live his college days, and he says, "Yeah, we can do that," so we do. He shows me the room he lived in, and the spot where he once had a conversation with Carol Somebody, who was the one who got away. (Although he mentioned about three others, too, so...) He says he remembers exactly when he finally talked to her; he'd had a crush on her and she changed majors to communications so he had a reason to talk to her. But he didn't talk to her until this one day, a day he had to drive home because he was taking his oldest sister to a George Strait concert. He points out the spot. "I was taking out my laundry, to my car, and it was RIGHT THERE. And if I didn't have to go home, then everything might have turned out differently. But then nothing happened. I mean, we were friends. And then right before we graduated, she told me that I was her idol." I ask if she knew he had a thing for her; he says yes. He says she's married to a doctor now.
+++
M: When was the last time you were here?
NSG: Like the last time I did this? I don’t know. I was here when I was at West Georgia, when we’d come up and play them. I drove around here with [ex] in the mid-90s. That was probably the last time.
+++
NSG: I can’t believe how little it’s changed. It’s so much the same. I thought they would have done more with it by now. I used to think this was it for me, that I’d be the SID here, and that would be it.
M: Did you want that?
NSG: No. Well, yeah, I did, back when I graduated and that’s what I wanted to do.
M: Would it have made you happy?
NSG: No. ... Oh, Mollster, why did you bring me here?
M: Well, you didn't want to go to Memphis, so I just picked halfway.
NSG: I know. I'll come to Memphis sometime. It's actually good that you made me come here. This is really helping me.
+++
He says we have to go to Cadillacs, which is a very nondescript dive bar. We go in. It is approximately 4:00 in the afternoon. There are four hardcore barflies, all men. We sit at the far end of the bar, and the bartender approaches. "What do you have bottled?" NSG asks. The bartender blinks a little and looks confused. Finally she offers: "Beer." Yeah, it's that kind of place. He says he doesn't drink anymore and orders a Miller Lite, and a Bud Light for me. I ask if he is trying to get me drunk. He laughs, but only a little. We chat. He asks about my job.
M: (tells him some stuff) And there’s the girl factor.
NSG: See, I don’t buy that anymore. I just don’t.
M: Well, it’s still there. I mean, our manager, he hates that I’m a girl and I’m in there, doing it, so.
NSG: Just get over it.
M: Me or him?
NSG: Both.
M: It’s just different. It’s always going to be different. There’s this girl who works in our sales department, and she’s cute and blonde, and she has big boobs, so they had her go ask the guys to catch the first pitches, because they’d look down her shirt and agree to anything.
NSG: So did she … ?
M: No, she was married.
NSG: So. How's your love life?"
M: Well, I've had a summer fling, and three spectacularly awful dates, and that's it since I came to Memphis.
NSG: A summer fling, hmm?
M: Yeah.
NSG: ... Was it a player?
M: ... Um, yeah, let's not talk about that.
NSG: It was?? Really! How long did it last?
M: Oh, you know, May to September.
NSG: That's longer than a fling.
M: Not really. I mean, it was only on homestands, and it was really just a physical thing.
NSG: There still had to be something.
M: Well, okay, sure, I liked him, but it still didn’t mean anything.
NSG: Is he any good?
M: He's been in the Majors.
NSG: Whoa.
M: Can we not talk about this anymore?
NSG: Why not?
M: Because I feel bad. It shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have done it.
NSG: Why did you?
M: Um. Well. I wanted to.
NSG: That's a reason. It had to be more than physical.
M: Eh, no, it wasn't.
NSG: But it is now. You feel something now?
M: Mmm. No. I really don't. ... So how about you? How's your love life?
NSG: Hah. I haven't...in [city], it's hard. I don't like anybody in my classes, and I go out to the bars, and it's just...I mean, if you don't lie and say you have a boat, then they're not interested.
M: Really?
NSG: Oh, yeah. I was out on Thursday night, I think, and I was telling this girl about a subtitled movie, and she didn't know what subtitles were.
M: She didn't know what they were?!?
NSG: No.
M: You wouldn't actually go out with someone like that, would you?
NSG: Oh, no. I couldn't. I mean, for me, being ADD and all, to even go see a movie with subtitles, that’s big, and then, she doesn't know. Yeah, it's hard. And don't even get me started about politics. I just want someone who can have a conversation with substance. And passion. ... And it has to be someone who has some baggage, too.
M: Why?
NSG: Just...I mean, I have baggage, so...
M: (sighs)
NSG: So this player, when was the last time you saw him?
M: Oh, you know, the last day of the season.
NSG: Do you call him, e-mail him?
M: No. I mean, there wasn't an emotional attachment, and... I think I need another beer.
NSG: (gets more beer) Cheers to Virginia Tech. I guess you should be happy about that. I didn’t know. But I saw them replay it on Thursday and I thought, if it’s an instant classic, then Dook had to lose.
M: Yeah. It was nice.
NSG: So let’s get back to this.
M: Why do we have to?
NSG: Because this is great stuff!
M: No, it’s not. It’s bad!
NSG: Is he a good guy?
M: Yes and no. I mean, he seemed like a good guy...
NSG: He went to a pretty good school.
M: And we were really and truly friends, but then he still...you know...oh God.
NSG: Would you do it again, if he came back?
M: I don't know. It depends. If I was single, probably.
NSG: Wow. At least that's honest. ... So how did you meet him?
M: Well, I mean, I met him when the season started. He didn’t start out with the team, but then the first week, I was walking through the clubhouse, and I saw him, and so I introduced myself, and he introduced himself, and I said I was media relations, and he said no one would want to interview him, and I said well, I would, if he wanted. So we were kind of flirting, but nothing happened for a while.
NSG: So then how did he do it, how did you...?
M: Well, I mean, we didn’t do anything at first, I didn’t, you know...because, well... But after a couple of months...one night, it was after a day game, and he came up to me and said, "What are you doing tonight?"
NSG: And you said nothing.
M: Yeah. I said I wasn't doing anything, and he said, "Well, maybe I'll come over and say hi. Where do you live?"
NSG: That's IT? He didn't have to do anything? Like take you to dinner?
M: Um. No. I don't know. You didn't really have to do anything to get me.
NSG: Well, I think I made some investments into that.
M: (Really? Like what?)
NSG: So did you do it the first night?
M: No. I mean, we messed around, and stuff happened, but...
NSG: Did you tell your mom about this?
M: Uh, no, I did not.
NSG: Hah. At least you didn’t do that.
M: I didn’t tell her about you, either. She just read about it on my website.
NSG: (eyes pop) On your website? You have a website?
M: Mm-hmm.
NSG: And I’m on it?
M: Well, I mean, you weren’t named. You’d only know it was you if you knew details. But there are pictures of you.
NSG: Of me??
M: Yeah. Oh, and quotes.
NSG: Why do you have a website?
M: I don’t know. Because I wanted to. I keep a blog. I guess I use mine more as a journal.
NSG: Oh no. ... So I mean, I could google Molly Darnofall and it would come up?
M: Yeah, I think so.
NSG: I could sue you.
M: (looks over his shoulder at the basketball game, which has scores scrolling across the bottom) Oh, good, we won.
NSG: (looks back at the screen) Let's go sit back there and watch basketball. ... Can you get in there? There’s not a lot of room...
M: Yeah, I’m good, it’s fine.
NSG: ...for your big boobs. (nice) ... Okay, you gotta tell me who it is. I can't think.
M: [gives him a clue]
NSG: [figures it out] OH MY GOD. I didn't even think! That's huge.
M: Yeah. So now you and TM are the only ones who have...
NSG: Oh God.
M: ...touched my girly parts.
NSG: I have to tell my nephews about this.
M: What??? What are you going to tell them?
NSG: That Molly hooked up with TM.
M: How much do they know about me?
NSG: You met them. Well, you met Michael. Did you ever meet Jarrod?
M: I don’t know. I know I met Michael, because you told me I couldn’t date him, because he wasn’t mature.
NSG: He’s not. I’ll have to tell Michael. But I think Jarrod would get more of a kick out of it.
+++
NSG: Who are you Carolina fans going to hate when Redick graduates?
M: Oh, I don’t know. We’ll find somebody.
NSG: (chuckles)
M: There’s always somebody.
NSG: That’s what’s so great about that rivalry. It’s just, it’s so close, and they’re right down the road. You don’t understand that unless you live there.
M: It’s so much fun, though! I just had a conversation about this with one of the guys I work with.
Did you see that article in the Chronicle, The Dook Chronicle, it was 10 things not to ask Mike Krzyzewski? It was the kind of thing that a Tar Heel would write, except Dook had done it. But the best part was all the comments, and all the Tar Heels were like, "Yeah! Go Heels!" and the dookies would write things like, "You’re a disgrace to the university," and sign it "high-powered attorney."
NSG: Was one of those "high-powered Houston attorney"?
M: ...No.
NSG: It will be one day.
+++
M: You’re like a walking contradiction. I mean, I see you in December and you say you’ll never work in sports again, but then suddenly you’re talking about [a baseball job].
NSG: I need you to give me career advice.
M: Do you know that you don’t want to work in sports?
NSG: (thinks) I’m pretty sure.
M: Well, then, don’t.
NSG: But it’s just, everyone says that I should. I don’t know. I just need someone to tell me to be patient. Like, if I knew that in the future, I would get one of these jobs that I want, and I just had to wait for it, then I would be okay.
M: Just be patient. Everything will work out.
NSG: Fuck. … Contradiction, that’s a good word. It needs to be stronger, though. Okay, you’re not helping me out much professionally.
M: What do you want to do? What’s your ideal job?
NSG: Director of media relations for the NYC food bank. It’s worthwhile. I could make a difference and I would still get to work with all the big media. Or Chicago. I could do the food bank there, too.
+++
NSG: So do you still want to work in baseball?
M: I do now. I don’t know if that’s what I want to be doing in 10 years, though.
NSG: Who was that intern, the one that I didn’t like?
M: [New Guy].
NSG: Yeah, him. Did [Roommate] ever like him?
M: I don’t know. I don’t think she cared. [Friend] couldn’t stand him, but then he didn’t like [Friend], either.
NSG: Yeah, but I think [Roommate] is the best-hearted person I know.
M: Yeah. The thing about [New Guy] is that he worked hard. I mean, whatever you wanted to say about him, he did do that.
NSG: Oh my God, that spring training that he came for, that was bad. I was not happy. I had to write memos, and nothing got done, and people were mad at me. So, [Roommate] and [Crush]. He’s back?
M: Yeah. He got his bags lost in [on assignment].
NSG: Where does he live in New York? Manhattan?
M: I don’t know. All I know is that he came back to Houston, and came to the ballpark, and [Roommate] dropped everything to go have lunch with him. I told her they should get a hotel room, but she didn’t like that idea.
NSG: Why not?
M: I don’t know. I push it too far. She doesn’t like to talk about him.
NSG: Has she ever kissed [Crush]?
M: No.
NSG: She’ll regret that. He’s gonna be big, and then it’ll be too late.
M: It sort of already is. I mean, he’s in New York, and he’s all East Coast, from Boston, and she wants to move back to California, eventually, so...
NSG: (shakes his head) She’ll regret it. [And then he says something about K.]
M: How is K?
NSG: (looks at me) I don't know. I haven't talked to her since Game 6, I guess, of the NLCS. We, uh, we aren't really friends.
M: What happened?
NSG: (uncomfortable) Oh, just, you know, you lose touch.
M: Do you not want me to ask about this?
NSG: Um, you can. ... I’ll tell you. Since you told me. ... Did you know we had a fling? (looks up at me, quickly)
M: ... I suspected. But I didn't know. (When he told me in December that they weren’t friends anymore, I pretty much knew then, but he didn't confirm it.)
NSG: We did. It was, uh, 2003, let me see, when I moved out of my house. And when I left...I don’t remember exactly when that was...
M: Oh, you know, it was June. The Orioles were in town.
NSG: (looks at me funny, with a funny little half-smile) How do you remember that?
M: It was a pretty big deal.
NSG: Huh.
M: Go on.
NSG: So, then, when I came back to Houston, it got pretty deep. I wanted her to be the one, but she just...it just didn't happen. There wasn't that spark, it wasn't there. We just didn’t connect. And I sent her an e-mail last January and I told her that, that it just wasn't going to work. And then we sort of fell out of touch.
M: You wanted her to be the one but you broke up with her OVER E-MAIL??
NSG: We weren't really dating. We never really dated. I mean, we had been friends for so long...and then we just sort of stepped into it. ... What are you thinking?
(Seriously, why does he always ask this? It never leads anywhere good.)
M: I was just thinking about that beach party, after you left, when everyone was talking about the two of you.
NSG: Everyone was always talking about it. Nobody knew, though, not when it really happened. I really didn't treat her very good. I wasn't feeling normal. Well, actually, I wasn’t normal until ... when I saw you in December, that was the first time I had really started feeling normal again. But the way I treated her, it was pretty shitty.
M: How serious was it?
NSG: She was in. She told me she fell for me, and I could be the one. It was just bad, because I wanted it to be her. We had been friends, and she's my age, but it just...didn't happen. The heart wants what the heart wants. It wouldn’t have worked out. For either of us.
M: But how can you say that? I don’t mean just you, but when people say things like that, like, "Oh, I know you’ll find someone better out there," how do they know? Maybe you won’t.
NSG: You could be right about that. ... Yeah, I really dicked her over.
M: (thinks: she's not the only one)
NSG: You came before her, though. (...oh. I think he meant that he slept with me before he slept with her, NOT that he dicked me over before he dicked her over, but it’s an interesting point to ponder.) ... What are you thinking?
M: (um, hmm. Again with the question that never leads anywhere good.) I was just thinking we didn't really handle things all that well, either.
NSG: Hah. Yeah. (smiles that funny little half-smile again) How do we always get to this? I guess we didn't have time to talk about it in the airport, but we keep having this conversation.
M: Sorry. We can talk about something else. I never meant to have all those conversations with you. I really didn't want to talk about it, and I think you thought that I did. I just wanted you to want me. That's all. (Ha! "That’s ALL.") But it's like you said, you can't make that happen.
NSG: No, that's different.
M: I just felt like we had almost hooked up, but we didn't...seal the deal, and I was okay with that, because I figured you were just drunk and it didn't mean anything. But then it seemed like maybe it did mean something to you, and then we DID seal the deal, and as soon as that happened, I didn't mean anything to you, and you were out dating every woman in the city of Houston.
(Oh my God, that's what I've wanted to say to him for so long now! What is in this beer?)
NSG: I didn't date every woman in the city of Houston. I didn't date all that many people.
M: But that's what it felt like to me.
NSG: Okay. I can see that.
M: I'd come to the press box and you'd tell me all about the girl you hung out with until 2 a.m. last night, and I'd feel like, well, I guess it didn't mean anything, after all.
NSG: That's not it. It did mean something. Wow. You’re telling me I went from regretting it to not feeling anything. I’m sorry. ... (he sees the look on my face) No, let me say this.
M: Okay.
NSG: It's just, you and me, I went from regret, to guilt, and I wasn't sorry that it happened, but I kept wanting to say I was sorry, but you didn't want to hear it.
M: No, I didn't, because it seemed like you were sorry that it happened.
NSG: You know, after it happened, I mean, I did still want you; it's just that I was so freaked out about it. It would have been worse if you were still working for me.
M: (BUT I WASN’T.) But why did you get so freaked out?
NSG: I don't know. Because I had hired you, and brought you to Houston, and I had so much respect for you professionally, and personally, and, after we hooked up, and I freaked out, I wanted it to go back to being NSG and Molly, best friends, because I could tell you anything. And that's what I was sorry about, that it couldn't.
M: (smiles, a little) Yeah, but then we finally did get back there, and then you left town.
NSG: Heh. I know.
