the heart won't lie
It sleeted yesterday. In central North Carolina. On March 25th, which, incidentally, was Tom Glavine’s 40th birthday. Tom Glavine was my first baseball crush, 15 years ago. That means he was as old then as I am now, and that freaks me out a little bit. I got a job rejection letter the other day. The rejection was not unexpected, but the letter was...because I interviewed for that job in December, and they told me they planned to decide on a hire in about a week. So, uh, thanks for letting me know you didn't pick me, there, guys. I like to hold out hope for longer than I should in my personal life, but it would be entirely too stressful if I did that in my job search as well. I didn't even want that job after I had the interview, anyway. About that holding out hope thing. Yeah. I used to have this problem, wherein I’d be driving home from work, past this bar I knew NSG frequented, and I'd see his car, and I’d wonder what exactly he was doing in there, and who he was doing it with, and if he was going to go home with her. I didn’t consciously want to do it, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. And it bothered me that I would wonder these things, because he wasn’t mine to care about. He was single. He could do whatever he wanted. It wasn’t like I could be upset about it, or not trust him, because we were friends, but that’s it. He should have been going out (and/or home) with women, whatever made him happy. But I didn’t want him to do that, because no matter how much I told myself it was hopeless, I was still holding out hope. I really, sincerely wanted him to be happy, and that made it even more fun. Of course it was the classic “I want him to be happy, but what I really want is for him to be happy with me, and why aren’t I enough?” but that’s beside the point. I thought I was doing better about my current situation, you know, aside from hoping that TLB was doing well – which is stupid of me but fairly benign, I think – but then there was Friday night. Suffice it to say, I am not doing better. And there's more! A new boy has unexpectedly entered into the mix, but I don’t know what to do about him. Not to pull a TLB myself, but I can’t be in a relationship right now. I can’t. I am still hung up on him. I need to figure out my life. But at the same time, I have to get out there; I can’t put my life on hold indefinitely, so what am I supposed to do? I would say sure, I could do the “casual dating” thing, but can I? TLB and I were supposed to be doing casual, and that didn’t work out so well. What if I say I’m okay with dating, as long as we keep it casual, but something else happens? What if there’s a connection, and it clicks, and then suddenly I’m on the air mattress at his apartment and he’s warning me that he snores, and then two months later I decide that, whoa, we’re moving entirely too fast, and why the fuck is he keeping a toothbrush at my apartment, oh my God, I can never see him again? What then? I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself, and I need to just take things as they come, but it's very hard for me to do so, at least right now.