life gets away from us all
I realized today that I have lied to you. It was unintentional, but still, I apologize. The last movie I saw in the theater was actually Tristan and Isolde, which I liked rather a lot, and made me cry and cry, but I ... forgot about that. Also, I dated this Indian guy in high school and I forgot about him, too. Heh. But our "relationship" was very, very lame. We "went out" for three weeks and never even got to first base.

I had this dream last night in which one of my teeth broke off, and also, I developed a gap between my two front teeth, one that I could push on and make smaller or bigger. It was disturbing. When I looked in my handy dream dictionary (it was a gift! shut up!), it said: "Teeth are symbols of aggression, of your ability to cut through or bite through tough or confusing situations. Losing your teeth indicates you feel like you're losing power or your grasp on a situation." But...that would mean I'd have to have power, or a grasp on a situation. Which I don't! Ha! Haha!

who I am
You know how self-improvement books tell you that if you lack self-confidence, you should just fake it, and then other people will think you’re confident, and eventually you will become self-confident? No? Just me, then. So I was thinking, hey, maybe if I fake being over TLB, then eventually I will just get over him. Except then it occurred to me that (a) I still lack self-confidence, and I have been faking that (trying to fake it?) for several years now, and (b) that’s another way of saying “if you pretend it’s not there, then maybe it will go away” AND I HATE THAT. So I am not sure about that idea, after all. I mean, if you pretend it’s not there, it might very well go away, but not typically because you pretended it wasn’t there.

In other news: it is very warm here. I love chocolate chip cookie dough. Mechanical bull riding apparently requires the use of muscles that I was not aware I had.

---

Another day, another survey, because, well, what the hell.

1. What does your MySpace quote mean?
It's a phrase I put in an 11th grade English paper about Ethan Frome, to see if our teacher was paying attention. She was, but I still got an A.

2. Elaborate on your default photo.
Well. It's some flowers I got for Christmas and I played with the pic in photoshop and I thought it looked really cool.

3. Who is the first person on your top 8?
I don't know. You know, I only have 5.

4. What's your current relationship status?
Single.

5. What exactly are you wearing right now?
A tank top, a sweatshirt and workout shorts.

6. What is your current problem?
Warren. And the Tar Heels. Which is actually one problem, though it might seem like two.

7. What do you love most?
For a what, not a who...my bed. Ha! Haha!

8. What makes you most happy?
Hugging somebody that I'm in love with. Or in lust with, even. Or, hey! Chocolate chip cookie dough.

9. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
I would have danced with David at the seventh grade dance.

10. Ever have a near death experience?
No.

11. Name an obvious quality you have?
I have a great rack. That's pretty obvious.

12. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"What It Takes"

13. Any celeb you would marry?
You know what, I really don't think so.

14. Who will cut and paste this first?
No one. Unless Sarah gets bored.

15. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Chris Stollings. And Shakespeare.

16. Do you have a crush on someone?
I would have to go with no. I wouldn't mind developing one, though. I need new eye candy at work.

17. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?
No. I'm a good girl.

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
Physically, only with my brother. My dad and I had screaming matches when I was younger.

19. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
No. I can't sing. The last time I tried was in chorus in fifth grade.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex?
Face.

22. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
No.

23. Say something totally random about you?
My mind is a total blank.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
There's a girl at work who has told me several times that I look like the little girl in "Corinna, Corinna." That's the only one I can think of right now.

25. How old are you?
25. Like the question!

26. Do you wear a watch? What kind?
Yes. It's silver, and it's Fossil. Got it for Christmas two years ago.

27. Do you have anything pierced?
Yes. Ears, two holes in the left ear (for the sperm earring) and one in the right; belly button.

28. Do you have any tattoos?
No.

30. Do you like to shop?
Yes. But lately it's limited to mostly window shopping.

31. What was the last thing you paid cash for?
I think I bought some coffee, but it was a couple of weeks ago. I never have cash.

32. What was the last thing you paid for with a credit card?
The fifth installment of my autobiographical novel. Or maybe I put gas in my car, I forget.

33. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
Some clueless customer.

34. What is on your desktop background?
A Central Park bench.

35. What is on the background of your cell?
It's either Heather giving Brooks bunny ears in the break room at work, or Alex's plants. I can't decide which one I want up there so I keep switching them.

36. Do you like redheads?
No? I don't really dislike them, though. Memories of Matt Cline there, thanks.

37. Do you know any twins?
No. At least not well enough that it counts. I know of some twins.

38. Do you have any weird relatives?
Yeah. My family is from western Pennsylvania. (Heh.)

39. What was the last movie you watched?
I need to go see a movie. The last one I went to see was Underworld: Evolution. The last one I watched was The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, because Nancy told me it was good, but it was so awful that I couldn't finish it.

40. What was the last book you read?
Some romance novel strip. Also I am in the middle of River of Doubt, about Theodore Roosevelt.

41. Did you or are you planning to go to college?
I did. And I might again.

42. What is your favorite pair of pants that you own?
Any of my pajama pants. I love pajama pants.

43. Do you like to party?
Sure.

44. How many keys are on your keychain?
Four.

45. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis?
If I have nothing else, I must have mascara.

46. Is your AIM away message on?
No.

47. If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Shepherd's pie from that pub in Memphis, the name of which I can't remember. Dan McGuinness?

48. What curse word do you use the most?
I have been dropping a lot of f-bombs lately.

49. Do you own an iPod?
No. My mom hinted that she might be getting me one for my birthday though.

50. Who on your Myspace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?
Sarah.

51. What time is your alarm clock set for?
7:30 am. But it will be off tomorrow.

52. Have you ever bid for something on ebay?
Yes. And I've won stuff, too. Something like 41 things, since 1999, I think. I LOVE EBAY.

53. Do you wear flip-flops even when its cold outside?
How are we defining cold? Maybe I have.

54. Where do you buy your groceries from?
Target. Cheap! Also Harris Teeter and Wal-Mart. I'm flexible.

55. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
Probably take it. Unless it's me and a hot guy, or Kurt Browning, for example. Then I want to be in it.

56. What was the last tv show you watched?
Extreme Home Makeover.

57. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes. My best friend from high school had a baby last month and I am supposed to meet him for the first time on Tuesday. It's a little weird, I have to admit.

58. If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would buy?
A house. I don't know.

59. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
Yes. And sometimes they are correct.

60. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
Only if I have a cold and it's NyQuil. Cherry flavored.

61. What CD is currently in your CD player?
Aerosmith. "Big Ones."

62. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Regular. Skim.

63. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
Yes. I might tell, though, because it's really funny.

64. When was the last time someone hit on you?
Hell, half the time I don't notice. Friday night at the bar?

65. What did you have for dinner?
A burrito and two homemade Sally Lunn muffins. And chocolate chip cookie dough!

66. Do you wear hoodies often?
Yes. It's my default lazy wear.

67. What color is your car?
Something red.

68. Can you whistle?
No. I cannot.

69. What is your favorite Christmas/winter movie?
Love Actually.

70. Do you make your own jewelry?
Lord, no. I only wear earrings (usually the same ones, silver hoops) and my watch and my ring.

71. Have you ever participated in a protest?
Not officially.

72. Who was the last person to call you?
Nancy.

73. What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
Um. Thunder Mountain.

74. Where's your favorite place to vacation?
I do like the beach. I want to go lots of places though. I need a vacation. And money, I need that, too.

75. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?
No. But one of my best friends is a guy I used to date.

76. What area code are you in right now?
919.

77. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Yes.

78. How big is your local mall?
Fucking huge.

79. What is your job title?
Well apparently it is going to change within the next three weeks, to something there is no description for. Hmm.

80. How many siblings do you have?
One.

81.Would you ever sky dive?
I wouldn't rule it out.

82. What are you allergic to?
Cigarette smoke. Lee.

83. What is your biggest regret?
I plead the fifth. I've always tried not to have any, and I haven't up until recently, and I'm trying not to regret that, so ... that's where I stand.

84. Have you ever had Jamba Juice?
Yes, I have. In Houston.

85. When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?
Friday night, when Nancy dressed me. Literally.

87. Do you own any band t-shirts?
Um. No.

88. What is your favorite candle scent?
Right now I would have to go with "Warm Apple Pie."

89. How many aunts and uncles do you have?
Well, there's Chris and Jeff, Ticky and Linda, Laurel, Larry and Andrea...so seven, all total.

90. When was your last plane ride?
I flew back from Seattle, by way of Chicago, in December. Next up: Des Moines, end of April.

91. Do you crack your knuckles?
No.

92. How many chairs are at your dining room table?
Four.

93. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Ranch.

94. Do you read for fun?
Yeah, but it's harder now that I work in a bookstore, and you wouldn't think this would be the case. Would you?

95. Can you speak any languages other than English?
No. This is where my four years of high school Spanish got me. I can read some of it.

96. Where is your cell phone?
On my coffee table.

97. Do you do your own dishes?
Well...yeah.

98. What color is your bedroom painted?
White.

99. Are your parents divorced?
No. They will celebrate their 31st anniversary in August.

100. Have you ever cried in public?
Entirely too many times, yes.

101. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Laptop. And I love it.

102. Which do you make: wishes or plans?
Both. I like wishes better, but you have to have the backup for when they don't come true.

103. Are you always trying to learn new things?
Not really. Sometimes I like to stagnate.

104. What messenger programs do you have?
I have AIM but I don't use it. I text message people on my phone now.

105. Do you shower on a daily basis?
Yes.

106. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
No.

107. Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
I'd go with whoever does the asking. Or you could go dutch, that's cool with me. I like chivalry, though.

108. Can you skip rocks?
Nope.

109. Have you ever been to Jamaica?
No.

110. What do you like to snack on at the movie theatres?
Junior mints.

111. Who was your favorite teacher?
Mr. Jones.

112. Have you ever dated someone out of your race?
No. Unless you count Mike, who called me at midnight in the fifth grade. Yeah, Dad didn't like that so much.

113. What is the weather like?
Too warm for March 12th but okay now that it's night.

114. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Sure, if I liked him.

115. Do you have an online journal?
Heh.

116. Did you ever play Capture the Flag in school?
No I did not.

117. What was your favorite class in high school?
AP Psych. Sports medicine was fun, too, but only because we did absolutely nothing worthwhile. Oh, wait, I did get CPR certified in that class.

118. Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
Back. Or side. Then I roll over.

119. What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
Sarcasm.

120. Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
Well I have been attracted to someone who "is a monkey" according to Nancy, but I have always found the people I'm attracted to attractive. Heh.

121. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
I dunno. Does an air mattress count? 'Cause that would be Feb. 14, I think. (Oh the irony.)

122. What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
Probably Malibu and pineapple. And, no, it doesn't taste like suntan lotion, and how do you know what suntan lotion tastes like anyway?

123. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been?
Shawn.

124. Do you like your living arrangement?
Yes and no. I love my apartment, and I love being away from my family but still close by. I don't necessarily love living alone. Although sometimes I do.

125. Has anyone ever called you spoiled?
Yes. Mostly my brother. But he is WAY more spoiled than I am, being younger than me.

126. Did you ever go to the same school as your parents?
Same university. My dad and I even attended at the same time for a semester or two, my freshman year.

127. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
Four, minimum. On a regular basis, I need eight.

128. How much is gas where you live right now?
I think I saw $2.41 at the gas station across the street from my apartment. But the place I go was $2.31 when I passed it on my way home from work.

129. What was the last thing to scare you?
A phone call I got on Wednesday.

130. Do you own a Playstation?
I have a PS2 that Warren gave me for my 21st birthday. Sort of. I use it as my DVD player.

131. How many times have you brushed your teeth today?
Once.

132. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
A lot. I'm not sure. I have all these cute open-toed shoes that I can't wear to work, and it pains me.

133. Are your days full and fast-paced?
Not exactly, but I never seem to have enough time for the things I need to do. Perhaps because I answer 135 questions online. Maybe?

134. Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
Yeah. Once. And I wasn't even talking at the time. But the teacher took five points off a test. I think I got a 95.

135. Is there carpet, wood or tile in the room you're currently in?
Carpet. And a pretty, pretty rug from Pottery Barn.

the roar of a Sunday crowd
Last night, I rode a mechanical bull.

And there was a cowboy, named Garth, who won the Strong Man contest, I swear I'm not making this up, and he was cute, right up until he started humping the fence that surrounded the bull.

The bartender bore a vague resemblance to Billy Ray Cyrus, circa 1995 or so, which disturbed me.

And then we saw Eric at IHOP, which was rocking at 3 a.m.

looking for love in all the wrong places
I don't think I will ever understand men. They say they are simple creatures, but I just don't get them. I think it is some sort of universal rule: men cannot understand women, and women cannot understand men. No matter how simple it is (should be) on either side.

I decided to watch Wonderfalls tonight, just in the mood for some reason, and the episode I pick is the one where the lying, cheating wife returns to the scruffy bartender, and he re-marries her despite the fact that he is in love with the really smart retail girl, and she with him. The universe, it laughs at me.

some things only lonely understands
You know how I mentioned, yesterday, that The Latest Boy (TLB) doesn't have a song that I can "remember him by"? Ironic, then, that today, I was in the back at work, you might call it the receiving area, yes, and there was this easy listening crap playing, and I may have questionable taste in music, but even I cannot stand that, so I change it to the local rock station, and the song that comes on is the song that TLB has on his myspace page, which I occasionally check because I still want him, and I still care about him, even if I shouldn't, and I don't care if it's not healthy. (Yes, I was a journalism major, and that is a very bad, incorrect sentence. I don't care about that either. Also, yes, I have issues. We know this. Moving on.)

Here is a survey. I stole it from Courtney, but I feel that she will not mind, and it will give her the opportunity to mock me if she so desires. I am all about giving my friends the opportunity to mock me.

JUST STUFF...
[relationship status] – single, and not particularly pleased about it, either.
[shoe size] - 8.
[parents still together] - yes.
[siblings] – one brother, Kevin.
[pets] - my family has a pet cat. I don't have any because I can't afford pet rent.

FAVORITES...
[color] – today it's pink. tomorrow it might be green. and if we're talking about eye color on a guy, it's brown. I always have to make that disclaimer, I don't know why.
[number] – 4.
[animal] - penguin.
[book] - if I have to pick one, right now, it's Fortune's Rocks.

DO YOU...
[twirl your hair?] – yes. it's long right now and I don't know what to do with it.
[have tattoos?] – no.
[cheat on tests?] - I cheated on a fifth-grade spelling test once and I still feel bad about that.
[like roller coasters?] - I used to, but not so much anymore. unless you count Space Mountain at Disney World.

OPINIONS...
[wish you could live somewhere else?] - yes, but I haven't figured out where. so far I've tried Orlando, Houston and Memphis...Houston was the best but here I am back in Durham, so who knows.
[know how to drive?] - yes, mostly.
[ever consider getting back with an ex?] - yes.
[why or why not? (last question)] - I have good taste so the guys I pick ... yeah. stop laughing at me.

INFORMATION...
[made out with JUST a friend?] - kind of? I've made out with "just a friend" who after the makeout session was more than that...
[current clothing] - pajama pants and a tank top.
[current hair] - down and in my eyes.
[current thing I ought to be doing] - sending out resumes and job applications.
[current CD in stereo] - Sara Evans "Restless," mostly because I'm lazy...I was rocking John Denver earlier.
[last movie you saw] - in the theater? Underworld: Evolution.
[last thing you ate] – two chocolate truffles.
[believe there is life on other planets?] - depends on the day.
[dislike yourself?] - no, but I do wish I were different in some ways.
[collect anything?] - memories. and I'm a packrat.
[like your handwriting?] - sometimes.

LOVE...
[first crush] - Brad Morris, I suppose. or Bennett Rogers, who I believe went on to score a 1590 on the SATs. I like smarties.
[you believe in love at first sight?] - yes but I don't think that's the only way it can happen.
[you believe in "the one?"] - I'd like to but I think that's very limiting.
[are you a tease?] - oh hell. probably. I wore my shirt that "gives adolescent boys their first sexual experience" today. certain co-workers were very appreciative, and I had forgotten how much fun that was.
[are you in love currently?] - no. but I could have been.

ARE YOU...
[daydreamer] - indeed.
[shy] - yes.
[talkative] – around the right people, yes.
[simple or complicated?] – complicated. I find it disconcerting when people say they know what I am thinking because I often don't know myself.

WOULD YOU RATHER...
[pierce your nose or lip?] – nose. but my belly button is enough for me.

ABOUT YOU...
[what time is it] – 1:06 AM EST.
[nickname(s)] - the last one that I had was "mouthful" but really the only thing people do is shorten my name, which you can do if I like you, but not if I don't.

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...
[bought something] - yes. could I afford it? no.
[gotten sick] - felt sick? yes. actually gotten sick? no.
[sang] - in my car.
[felt stupid] – yes. this is a very common occurrence.
[missed someone] - YES.
[gotten your hair cut] – no.

LAST PERSON THAT...
[slept in your bed] – sadly, the last time someone other than me slept in my bed was in Memphis. Nancy was the last person to sleep on my couch.
[saw you cry] - Lynn and Beth.
[made you cry] – Lynn and Beth. and that was a bad, bad thing. work-related, too. I haven't cried over a personal thing in at least two weeks.
[saw a movie with you] – in the theater, Alex. on dvd, Nancy. I think.

on the road again
The Tar Heels just ruined senior night for JJ Redick and That. Is. AWESOME.

And Dick Vitale can shut up, now, please.

a long black veil

When I was in college, I had a summer internship with the local women's professional softball team (OH, THE STORIES). One day, Betty, the PA announcer, took us interns out on her boat. She had an inflatable jet ski thing that she would tow behind the boat, and it sounds kind of lame, but it was actually fun. [Aside: I had a huge crush on fellow intern Ben, who is now the GM of an independent team in the Can-Am League, or some such league, and who at the time was dating fellow intern Shannon. I also was fat, lacking in self-confidence and shy, and it was bad. And, as we were on a boat, and I was going to be swimming, I was wearing a bathing suit, so you can only imagine my state of mind.]

So, we all ride the jet ski, and after everybody's had a go, me and Ben somehow end up on there together. (Which, of course, is like a dream come true for me.) So we start going, and he's yelling, "Faster! Faster!" so we go faster, and it was pretty awesome, actually, and then we hit the wake, or something, and we crashed spectacularly. Ben and I hit the water as one, and his elbow connected fairly solidly with my head, and when we surfaced, everyone looked somewhat concerned.

"I thought I killed you," said Ben.

And then I asked if we could go again, and Betty shook her head and said, "You're one of those people who would rather go short and score a 10 than go long and get an 8." That sort of stuck with me, because it's quite true. I don't really go halfway with things. I'm either in, which means all in, or out. Which can be very good, or very bad. For instance: work. If you work in baseball, and you are all in, then you have no life. When I worked in baseball, I was all in, and I had no life, and that is part of the reason that I am where I am right now. Second example: love. If I fall for someone, I fall hard, and I fall fast, and then I don't give up easily. 

gotta be something more
(I know the title is weak...I'm in a hurry.)

I love the Olympics (although, much like the dook game, not so much this time) but I HATE BOB COSTAS WITH AN UNHOLY PASSION.

It all began around the time the Chicago Bulls won their first NBA Championship, and there was Bob in the locker room. First, he said, "Oh, we can't get Michael just let...hey, there's Scottie!" Then, he repeated the phrase "amid the bedlam" at least 16 times, while squinting in a very annoyed fashion due to the champagne dripping all over his suit, and then, when he finally got Michael Jordan over to talk to him, he turned to him and said, "Is this your mother?" when the woman standing behind MJ was his wife. IT WAS AWFUL. Also, he is never happy. And every Olympics, there he is, all the damn time.

it matters to me

I Need A Little More Bliss
So I have this other blog, one I kept from June 2003 up until now, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it. There's a lot of...intense stuff in it, mostly about my angst over one guy (for entirely too long), but also about that time I got fired because the company I was working for hired a new manager and he couldn't stand the fact that I didn't kiss his ass and agree with everything that came out of his mouth. This is because he was often wrong, and the fact is, I told him that I would do what he said, because he was the boss, but I wasn't going to smile and say I thought it was a good idea if I didn't think so. I wasn't aware that with the new management, I suddenly had to become a brown-noser. But I digress. I'm still a little bitter.

Anyway, after I, er, *left*, my intern (who later got my old job, which I don't really feel he deserved, but maybe he did, and anyway, he never did anything bad to me so more power to him, I guess) inherited my computer, which I had used to write in my blog. Naturally, I assume, he was curious and visited the website. Then lots of people from that godforsaken city visited my website, and some of them kept coming back, and after a while, I realized I was censoring myself because I really didn't want them to know some of the shit I was dealing with. I could write about how bad it had been and how much of an asshole a certain ex-manager of mine is, hoping that they were reading it, not that they would care, but I didn't want to write about how much life sucked, because, well, I wanted them all to see that I had succeeded in spite of them. I have not yet succeeded.

I'm working on it, though, and writing is good for the soul. (Or something like that. I have a journalism degree; I need to write something, even if it is bad stream-of-consciousness nonsense.) Also I finally -- finally! -- managed to get over the guy who caused me all the angst (found a new one!), so I'm thinking maybe start fresh? But I don't know. There are a lot of good entries on that old blog, too, and good memories along with the bad, so ... yeah. It's online but hidden right now. We'll see.

Also, all my blog entries use country music lyrics as their titles, which is something I started doing in the aforementioned blog. I'm kind of a dork.