In my high school psychology class, we learned about the five stages of death and dying, postulated on by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. These later were expanded to the five stages of loss, of losing a loved one. Handy acronym to remember them by for the AP Exam: DABDA. This stands for
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Which is all fine and good and interesting, except I think I skip around. Denial is a good first one: Well, he's kind of ... avoiding me, and there was that porno sitting on the floor by the DVD player, which seems like a bad sign... But then I sort of move into a depressed half-acceptance, half-denial/delusional phase: Okay, he doesn't want to be with me right now, but maybe one day he will. This is followed by a period of depression, and then some bargaining. Perhaps we could still be friends. We were friends, once, and there's no reason we couldn't be again (except that he's incapable of acting like a rational adult, but, hey, details!). Followed by some more bargaining. Okay, if he doesn't want me, that's fine. You can't control who you fall for, fall in love with, whatever, I get that. I don't see why we can't be friends, but if we can't do that, then fine. But can't we maybe be civil? In the company of mutual friends? And if not, then could I at least maybe get an explanation of what I did wrong, so I can avoid that in my next relationship? This, finally, is followed by a short period of intense depression and a longer period of barely suppressed blinding fiery rage. [See: Monday's entry.] Then I get to a point where I can accept it.
I mean, I realize it's just me, and I'm clearly an idiot (clearly), but this is a pattern that I have seen several times over. It varies in intensity, but the steps are the same. And they're not DABDA! They're something unintelligible and not cute and easy to remember.
I ... I think I need to go read some more self-help books. This too shall pass. Hopefully by Friday. Do you think it's bad to have a first date on April Fools Day? I'm just wondering.
